Tag: Family

  • The Feels Rollercoaster

    The last couple of years have been a rough go for most of us. I’m not taking a huge leap with that idea, I know. Covid threw everyone for a loop, changed the ways of the world, brought up many issues people had to deal with, and I will also say that on the whole, we are all living in a Post-Covid world now.

    For me, this dark period of life started in 2018 with my mother’s death. She felt a lump in her throat in July, and passed away in October. Three months isn’t necessarily a short period of time, but it still feels like it all happened in the blink of an eye. I’m still dealing with her passing, and probably will forever, but I do know that I am in a better place about it.

    There are many things that can be said about losing a parent, and have been said many times over and over. What I found was that nothing brought me joy or happiness. I was sad all of the time. Not depressed, or withdrawn – just sad. And this sadness was always just below the surface, and if I felt anything too much – laughed too hard, or lost myself in a movie or a song – then I would start crying. And I would allow it to happen, and it felt cathartic, but it also made me feel like I was unhinged, and not in control. I knew I needed to mourn my mother, but I also needed to go to work, and take care of my kid, and that was important too.

    When Covid hit, I still wasn’t in a good place, but I was functional. It was a little strange to be isolated from everyone, but our little family unit clung together. I found that my marriage actually got stronger, and I enjoyed being with my wife all the time. And getting to spend so much time with my kid – playing and teaching her how to read – is a treasured gift that I am so fortunate I was able to take part in. Not that we all didn’t have moments where we needed our space, or got on each other’s nerves; we are human.

    And as 2023 started, I started feeling good again. And I started acknowledging that I had changed. I’m not the same person that I was in 2018. It was tough, but I had to admit that I am no longer a theatre artist or a puppeteer. That was a tough one, as that is how I had thought of myself since 2000, all the way back in college. For the last five years, I hadn’t done a show, and I didn’t have a desire to go back. Same thing with my career in arts management. Though I know I don’t want to go back to it, I also know that I do have some anger with the way I was treated in my last two jobs, and I need to take responsibility for the way I behaved as well. That’s an issue I am still working on.

    What I have changed into is a stay at home dad; that’s my role in the family. It took me a bit of time to come around to it. There is still a pull in me to go get a job, as it is stuck in my head that the only “real” way to contribute to my family is by bringing in money. There is a good chance that I will do that, or need to do that in the near future, but as of now – I got a kid, a home, and a financial future that I am responsible for.

    But I still have to do something creative, which is what you are seeing/reading right now. I have always written something – in a journal since high school, plays, an article for a rock zine, college lit journal, and several on and off blogs. There was a five-year period after high school when I tried my hand at getting published, but other that a handwritten from an editor at STORY Magazine telling me to “keep at it, don’t get discouraged,” nothing ever came of it. This blog that you are reading now, was started back in 2017, back at the tail end of my performing days, so writing has always been hanging around in my life. Sure, in the middle of the Pandemic, I had this crazy notion that I was going to “earn money” through writing… And I have re-assessed this idea. If it happens – great! But I am not counting on it. I’m writing because it makes me feel good, gives me a purpose, and is something to work at that is for me. And right now, that’s what I need most in my life.

    Like I said, with all of these changes, I started feeling good about myself, my place in the world. I started feeling grateful for the like I share with my wife, and kid, my family and my friends. I have a good life – filled my struggles – but it is a good life that I am proud of.

    And then I saw a picture. It was a simple, picture of seven people standing in front of a theatre upstate. One of the people in the picture was a friend of mine, who got tagged in the shot, and it was from an organization that he was working for this summer developing a new theatre piece that involved mime and physical theatre – all the stuff I used to do.

    And that picture made me feel like shit. I was shocked at how awful I felt by looking at it. I wasn’t upset with my friend, nor was I jealous of what he was doing, as he’s been taking part in camp, workshops, and art commune things like this since I met him. I felt like shit looking at that picture because the thought that crept into my head was, “That could have been you if you didn’t quit.” I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had given up on myself, and that nothing mattered.

    I feel that I have a normal level of anxiety and self-doubt. Normal level meaning that I have to work to overcome my anxiety and self-doubt, but it is never so great to keep me from getting out of bed in the morning, or to stop me from trying. But this feeling was more like I had wasted my life – that I could have been doing the cool stuff, creating works of art. That I was just one step away from it, and I was the loser who quit.

    And it was like all the progress that I had made over the past year – working through my mom’s passing, my new role in my family, leaving my career, and working on a new form of expression – was meaningless. It had the added effect of making me feel totally alone and isolated. One picture triggered all of that in me.

    You have to make a choice in a moment like that, and I did what any healthy, well balanced person does – I ate potato chips on the couch while playing video games trying very hard to act like I didn’t feel what I felt. Because I felt ashamed at who I am, and for trying to grow into something else.

    But it passed – all those feels. It passed because I talked to my wife about it. It passed because I took my kid to the community pool on a hot Summer day in Harlem, and we swam and talked about music and going away to camp. It passed because I talked to my partner about it, and it passed because I spent time with my daughter – the person I am trying to better myself for.

    It passed but it still lingers in my mind. It’s there because I still need to take the time and mourn the passing of who I used to be. That’s not to say that I won’t find my way back to a theatre, but if I do return, I won’t be the same person doing it for that old reason. It lingers because I am human, and I will always wonder to some degree if I made the right choice. I wish I was so completely confidant in my decisions that I never look back. That’s not me, and I know that about myself.

    I know a few more things about myself now, that I didn’t know awhile ago. It’s progress. I am happier, and that is a win.

  • Thoughts on Time and Settling (Unedited)

    The wife and I made a promise to each other for 2023. I don’t want to call it a resolution, because those are stupid, and doomed to fail. The promise we made was twofold:

    “No more wasting time, and no more settling.”

    This isn’t self-help garbage, like the “Hang in There” kitten poster. This is a pragmatic reminder.

    We do waste an enormous amount of time each day. Looking at our phones is the biggest culprit. But also, mindless eating while looking at the tv. Staying up late to stay up late (that one’s all me) and I have to go back and mention the phones again, because, you know, phones will eat up hours of your day. See, and this time wasting leads to us having to settle on things, because we haven’t given ourselves enough time to accomplish the things we want to do. It can be a vicious cycle, and we’d like to bust out of unhealthy cycles.

    And like all changes in life, no one really likes it, and it’s hard to follow though on.

    The wife is doing better than I. She is making it to yoga on the scheduled days, and going to bed on time. I can’t seem to get to the gym more than twice a week, and that should increase to at least three to four days a week. Like I said above, I’m still not making it to bed on time, which means I’m only getting like six hours of sleep.

    And as we start the game of setting goals and trying to achieve them as a family, I can’t shake the feeling that there is a clock, and I am running out of time. Maybe it has to do with being in my mid-forties, which I have been thinking about a lot of late, and that I might need to have to make some tough choices; I can’t do it all – something will have to fall to the wayside and be left behind.

    I have been with my wife for seventeen years, married for twelve, and they have been good years. We have a kid we love, and want to provide for, which is the real motivation for this. We will only have so much time with her, and then she will be out there in the world. We need to be parents that she can count on, and follow through when we say we are going to do something.

  • Ready to Work Again

    My little family has been pretty lucky through the Pandemic, up to present. My wife has a very good job that covers things, and the kid is in a good school not too far from our place. I stepped into the role of stay-at-home-dad because the wife had the job, and I didn’t, and for our family, after some adjustment, it has worked out well. The wife gets to focus on her career, and I take care of the family, especially the kid, which also allows me a little extra time to focus the blog and writing.

    The one sticky wicket in this situation is that the wife’s job is allowing us to get by, and not ahead. A few months ago, we had the hard conversation that there needs to be a second income for us if we want to do, well, grown-up things; pay down debt, save for the kid’s college, retire, maybe even buy a house. (Though the writing is going well for me as I have yet to earn a dime, let alone get published anywhere. Besides that, it’s going great!) We both agreed I need to find some sort of work, part or full time, so we can get back on track. That’s what is best for the family.

    Now, I haven’t had a normal, regular job since January 2020. Three years out of the labor market is a long time, and I won’t lie either, I have been having some anxiety about getting back to work. My last two jobs weren’t the most fulfilling experiences, which is making me shy to get out there as I don’t want to repeat those situations. I try to remind myself that I have learned from those jobs, and know not to make the same mistakes, but there is still a “twice shy” affect that happens when I look at the want ads. But I had made a promise to my wife that I would start looking in January.

    So, with all of these thoughts and emotions flying around me, coupled with the fact that when I went job hunting, it would turn my stomach, I started to drag my feet on this promise. Finally, the other night, I had to admit to the wife that I’m nervous about working again. Then I called it for what it was, I’m scared about going back to work.

    And we talked about it. About what I was feeling, and where it was coming from, and what I could do about it. She reminded me that I can take my time on this job hunt, and look for something that is the right fit; that I don’t have to take the first job offer that comes my way. And most importantly, if I find myself in a toxic work environment, just quit. No more trying to tough it out – just leave.

    With that, I am back to looking for a job. I mean, I still have my issues, that I need to work out on my end, but yesterday, when I checked the job sites, I didn’t feel like throwing up. I wasn’t jumping for joy or anything, but I was looking at positions, and thinking, “I would be okay doing that.”

  • It’s Thanksgiving, Ya’ll!

    Yup, it’s Thanksgiving, and I can say that I do have many things to be thankful for. My amazing wife, wonderful daughter, family, and friends. I did want to also say thank you for taking the time to read this silly little blog. I also wanted to mention that I am thankful for the bots, from China, Vietnam, and Croatia, who continue to check out my posts for some reason. Maybe you’re looking to hack me, or maybe you are a real person who finds short story reviews, Ikea essays, and general bitching about the state of Tottenham Hotspur highly entertaining. Either way, thank you, all of you, for taking your time and spending it on me.

    Now, here’s to the Cowboys beating the Giants!

    Happy Thanksgiving!

  • Yup, That’s a Career – Mini Golf Course Designer

    In case you missed it, I am a stay at home parent currently. Will I return to the traditional work force? Not sure yet, but it is a thought that I keep kicking around my head, as a second income would be beneficial to our family. My old career was in arts/theatre administration, but being that I am middle aged-ish, or at least I am knocking on that door, the idea of switching careers often comes when the wife and I talk about careers.

    Recently, my daughter started introducing, or insisting, depending on the evening, that we watch these mini golf videos on YouTube. They feature two people, Brooks Holt and Elisha, who go around the country playing different mini golf courses. Some of the places they go are rather basic, while others are fascinating in their ingenuity. A few courses, which are indoors, play like a Rube Goldberg machine. The videos are fun, my daughter loves them, and it has inspired us as a family to go out and play mini golf, which has been great.

    As Brooks and Elisha go around playing golf, I started wondering; do the owners of these mini golf courses design these places themselves, or are their firms out there that do this stuff?

    You guessed it, of course there are firms. Good for them, if I might add. And I wondered how one gets in that business? I am sure some are family businesses, but do these companies go out and recruit people from adjacent fields? Like, landscape designers, or set and prop builders from theatre and film? What skills do you need to have to be successful in that line of work? (I bet there is a story there.) Looking at some of their websites, a few of the companies have been around for forty plus years, so they must be good at what they do. If there is a need, you know there will be a business to provide that service.

    Not that I’m about to start a career designing mini golf courses, but I do respect the people who do it.

    (Speaking of careers; could you help me with mine? Well, it’s more like a hobby that I hope helps me buy a new laptop. Either way, if you enjoyed this blog, please take a moment to give a like, or share the post, and a comment wouldn’t hurt. I mean, following this blog would be the cat’s pajamas, but use your discretion as to what you see as appropriate.)