Author: Matthew Groff

  • Having Kids (Unedited)

    I like being a parent, but seriously, you shouldn’t have kids.

    Unless you already have kids, then nevermind.

    But if you don’t have kids, and you are on the fence about it… Don’t do it.

    Again, I love my kid, and I wanted to be a parent.

    But there are too many people on this planet honestly, and also, most parents are really bad at it. Really; they suck at it.

    Besides, you could become the crazy aunt or uncle to a kid, who shows up at holidays. Not the racist drunk uncle, but the silly one that accidently swears at inappropriate times, and let’s slip that how their dad got really high at a Phish concert in college. Doesn’t that sound like more fun? And then at the end of the night, you get to go home, leaving the parents stuck with the kids you just filled up with sugar and bad ideas.

    Actually, who I need to be talking to are the people who have kids that try to convince other people to have kids. No one will say this to your face, but you are an awful friend for doing that. Quit pushing your breeding ways on people who don’t want to have a litter.

    It’s like when your friend falls in love, and then they think that if you went and fell in love it would solve all your problems. Remember that person in your life? No matter how many time you told them you were fine being single, they were still positive they could couple you up with someone and then you wouldn’t be so lonely and bitter.

    The point here is that we should just let people make their own decisions.

  • NYC Move Anniversary

    I moved to New York City on this day, back in 2006.

    Well… actually…

    I moved to Jersey City, NJ on this day back in 2006.

    (That’s better.)

    I have two very important friends, and their parents to thank for helping me out, by giving me a very affordable basement to stay in for six months.

    Also, there was my girlfriend at the time, who ended up becoming my wife later on. She helped a great deal with my move.

    And then there were my friends back in Texas. They were supportive and encouraging, and I know I wouldn’t have been able to move without them.

    Then there was my family. They made sure I knew that they were always behind me, and also pushing me to go after what I wanted in life; which was to move and live in New York.

    It’s just a reminder that no one does anything alone.

  • ODDS and ENDS: The Mugshot, Don’t Get Caught in the Rain, and Fantasy Football

    (Mr. Campbell… who cares?)

    I will admit that I was one of those millions of online leeches waiting for the release of the Trump mugshot. I wanted to see it. I wanted to be there when it was released so I could be one of the first to see it. And I was very pleased with what I saw. A former President was arrested, and he was treated like any other defendant in the criminal justice system which, for me, sent a signal that no one is above the law in this country. I am also aware that not everyone will see it that way. There are a large number of people who will see this mugshot, and project their own feelings on it, to see a system out to punish political opposition. There is another reason why I wanted to see this mugshot, for I believe it is the closest form of justice we will get when it comes to Trump and the crimes he’s accused of committing. Sadly, I don’t believe that he will be found guilty on any of these charges in the four cases. He will be acquitted because deep down in our America soul, we cannot send a President to jail. We treat our Presidents like gods. Each one gets his own temple, though we call it a library. And if they happen to be one of the truly greats, we build a shrine to them in Holy City of DC. So, this mugshot, with his disgruntled gaze, is as close to justice as he will get. This humiliating picture will last forever in American history, never to be forgotten.

    Walking around in the rain with wet jeans on is the worst.

    I will not play fantasy football this season. The league I play in has not reformed, and I fear it is dead. The League is Dead! Long Live the League. I’m not sure anymore, but I think I have played in the league of old college friends, work collogues, and random people, for close to fifteen years. In that time, I have won the League three times, all the while just guessing on who to play each week. What brought about this timely death was the sad fact that everyone has lives that have pulled us in different directions. From marriages, kids, careers, and taking care of parents, we aren’t the same people anymore. It’s a little sad, but it does prove the old axiom that everything changes – nothing stays the same. Goodbye Fantasy Football…

  • Short Story Review: “The Autopsy” by Lyudmila Ulitskaya (Translated, from the Russian, by Richard Pevear and Larissa Volokhonsky.)

    (The short story “The Autopsy” by Lyudmila Ulitskaya appeared in the August 28th, 2023 issue of The New Yorker.)

    (You know there are SPOILERS, right?)

    Photograph by Tereza Zelenková for The New Yorker

    First of all, I do want to give credit and say thank you to the Fiction Editor at The New Yorker, for exposing me to another Russian author. (I haven’t read this much Russian literature since I was a freshman theatre major.) In the writers of late, I have found this very interesting dynamic in their storytelling, where they take a pragmatic and a fantasifull world, and then combine them in a seamless fold of a believable surrealism.

    “The Autopsy” by Lyudmila Ulitskaya continues this form. It is a simple story that moves between a coroner, a mother, and her son. The storytelling is impressive, and with a few lines, I was pulled into this piece. The economy of words, simple yet pushing the story forward, lulls the reader into the throws of this very pragmatic world, first starting with a coroner. Then the story shifts to a mother who is looking for her missing son. Again, the beautiful simple language tells us of her wrenching, difficult life story, and the heartbreaking love she has for her son. Then the story shifts to the son’s perspective, and again we are betwixt by the magic of these words, though the language stays in it’s realistic form, we now move into an ethereal realm. All leading to the final section, and a completion of this story that leaves us feeling that this journey has fulfilled its purpose.

    I loved this story. I loved how it ran me through these lives, how they were connected to each other, and how strong and painful love and loving someone can be. There was a tragedy to this love, but also a dignity to loving someone so much. I appreciated that Ulitskaya swung for the fences on this, and made these two realms fit together. But most of all, I loved they style in which this story was presented; never going down a rabbit hole of flourishes or needless details. It got the job done in an effective use of language (And I know this was a translation) that never felt like a word was wasted.

  • Opening the Windows

    We are desperate for Autumn in our home. For the past two days in NYC, the high has been 78 degrees or so. For us, that means we can shut off the air conditioners, and open up the widows and get some fresh air in here.

    Except there really hasn’t been a breeze, which doesn’t help cool things off in the apartment. And then there is the new condo tower going up across the way, with its all glass window exterior which reflects the sun in a focused high beam right into out livingroom, thus warming the whole place up by five degrees or so, between the hours of 2pm to 5pm. I now know what an ant under a magnifying glass feels like. We suffer on with fans going – hoping to move enough air to feel like it’s cool at home.

    Which it isn’t.

    BUT!

    The windows are open. That’s something you do when it’s not hot out. Open windows mean the seasons are changing, and it might, sort of, hopefully, get cool enough so I could put a sweater on at night… Or early in the morning?

    This is a silly little hopeful dance we do every year. Thinking that the Summer heat is over, and that we can pack up or short sleeves and shorts, and return them to storage along with the 500-pound window a/c’s that we lug up and down the stains once a year.

    What I really want is it to be mid-October, with the leaves changing and I have an afternoon cup of coffee in my hand.

    That’s what I want.

    But I’ll settle on some open windows.