Author: Matthew Groff

  • Twenty-Two Years

    It’s been twenty-two years.

    The day reminds me that there is a divide; what was before, and what came after.

    I never knew the City that was before. I only got the know the City that was after.

    The “post” world.

  • ODDS and ENDS: Hearing, Tottenham’s Start, and If I Drop 10 Pounds…

    (But that is another story…)

    I can admit that I have a hypochondriac streak. If I feel even slightly off, I assume I’m getting sick. And if I’m sick, then I’m clearly going to die. Recently, a new “symptom” has developed, which may not portend my impending demise; I’m having trouble hearing people. I first noticed this with my kid, though I was skeptical as she does make an art form out of mumbling. But now, when my wife speaks to me from across the apartment, it sounds muffled. Normally, I would blame them, but as I get older, I fear Occam’s Razor is swinging more towards me than not. Yet another body part I need to have checked.

    So… Tottenham Hotspur haven’t lost a match yet. Sure, the toughest game they had was against a weakened United, and their first real test will be against Arsenal on September 24th, BUT until then… I’m going to enjoy the fact that they are undefeated!

    … I can button up this one awesome sports coat I have with leather patches on the elbows.

  • Everyone’s Back at It

    Today was the first day of school in New York City. Well, for the public schools anyway. But it was also, officially, no fooling this time, the end of Summer for everybody; as somehow, magically it seems, everyone returned to the City over night, and they all decided that they needed to use public transit this morning. There was such a dramatic change in the number of people on the subway this morning, that even my daughter was like, Where did all these people come from?

    The Cycle begins again, I said.

    I got a blank stare from the kid.

    Everyone is back from vacation and has to go to work and school. Then I added, The City’s full again.

    It’s true, the City has all its people back, and from what I observed this morning, most people didn’t have a good time on vacation, because their attitudes were rather piss poor. I mean, this Cycle seems to really have brought out the bad and gruff attitudes in New Yorkers.

    This is my sixteenth Post-Labor Day return, and I am still impressed by it. See, it’s an event that annually happens in NYC, but no one talks about it. People talk about the City emptying out for the Summer, but no one mentions the inevitable return. (If we talk of the yen, should we not talk of the yang?) I find it odd that, as a city, NYC seems to love to point out its annual traditions and cycles, marking the changing of seasons and time, yet The Return (I’m coining it) is a verboten topic of discussion.

    Maybe it’s a tad depressing to talk about the end of Summer.

    Or it might be more basic than that…

    No one wants to go back to work.

  • Short Story Review: “Hobbies” by Robbie Herbst

    (The short story “Hobbies” by Robbie Herbst appeared in X-R-A-Y on August 30th.)

    (SPOILERS, people! SPOILERS!)

    Art by Bri Chapman

    There sure are a great number of short stories and novels that cover the subject matter of the male midlife crisis. Or, as a friend calls them, “Sorry your penis stopped working, stories.” In one way or another, midlife crisis stories are about virility; the lack of it, the fear of losing it, of losing it, or desperately keeping it. And it is an attractive cliché to work with, as it is soaked in drama due to impending change, and can lend itself to comedy or drama, or a little of both.

    “Hobbies” by Robbie Herbst is just a short story that could have taken a turn down the midlife crisis trope. In fact, I kept expecting that it would, but it didn’t, and that was a completely refreshing development. In fact, the whole story is told in this realist yet absurdist style; claiming to be neither, but clearly dabbling a toe in both. In this way, the story stays lite, but also rooted in an honesty.

    The protagonist is a man sliding into a transition. The story opens with a mysterious letter from a woman named Therese that the he does not know, and rather than share the letter with his wife, he burns it, thus keeping it a secret. As we learn more about him, we see that he is a good person, with two good kids, happily married, with a good job, living a good life. But that night he wakes up having no idea who he is, but slowly, the details of his being return to him. This moment starts his journey to see if he is missing something. This is the fear of losing virility. Or maybe relevance. Either way, the hero is in a place of security and yet feels incomplete.

    And what follows is the breaking of the midlife crisis cliché. Here, the marriage is still fine, the kids are okay, and the job is fine. Yet, there is a threat that looms over him and the family – something that has to be prepared for. It’s not identified, nor does it need to be, as it is a fear that takes the form of whatever it needs to be for each person. But our hero keeps making choices, figuring out what he needs to do to confront whatever is coming.

    This was a smart story, and also very funny. Herbst is very good at keeping the story moving, throwing in details, and never letting the narrative get bogged down. But most of all, “Hobbies” took what I thought would be cliched, and gave it a twist and an insight that I wasn’t expecting.

  • My Rejected “Mentions” Submission

    On August 31st, I had a flash of inspiration, and quickly jotted out the following four sentences:

    “As Donald Trump’s surrender in Georgia grew closer, many on social media started to joke that the former President might need to hire a bail bondsman.

    On the day of the arrest at the Fulton County Sheriff’s Office, to many people’s surprise, the former President had, in fact, secured Foster Bail Bonds, LLC of Lawrenceville, GA to execute the bond.

    This made CEO Charles Shaw the first person in American history to bail out a former President.

    Mr. Shaw, it is easy to say, might be the most famous bail bondsman in America right now, if you excuse Chico’s Bail Bonds support of the Bad News Bears.”

    I thought it was funny.

    But I wasn’t sure what to do with it. The first thought I had was to put it up on my blog, or maybe Twitter/X. Then I remembered that The Drift has a “Mentions” section, which consists of short humorous pieces, four sentences long. I quickly looked up the email address for submissions, and sent it off. Let me throw my luck into the wind and see what will happen! Odds are they would say no, but maybe today would be different.

    And then I reread the “Mentions” section, and it dawned on me that they are looking more for cultural observations, and not so much current events. Yeah… felt like I popped the bed on this one. I even posted a Tweet about it.

    This morning a received a response to my submission, and they did say no. I don’t disagree with that decision, and their form letter to me was rather pleasant for a rejection.

    As such, I now share this “mention” on my blog. If there is anyone out there who would like my four sentence humorous critiques about whatever pops into my head, my going rate is $25 per post, or best offer.