Category: Parenting

  • ODDS and ENDS: Old Debates, It’s Okay to Not Have Kids, and Dog Shit

    (Fries are done…)

    I have been blessed, or cursed, depending on how you look at it, with the ability to stay up very late at night, and still wake up early. Though I may need a nap in the middle of the day, it’s given me one true positive advantage; I get to watch lots of useless things. Lately, I have started watching old episodes of Siskle & Ebert. The original purpose of watching was to remind myself of good movies that I had forgotten about. But as I watched these shows, I noticed something about how Gene and Roger argued. My memory was that there were passionate about their opinions and were willing to really get in there and fight for what they believed, even to the point of personally insulting the other. Yet, when I rewatched, I was struck by how they were very respectful in their arguing. And often, they looked amused when they argued. It wasn’t at all the cat and dog fights that I remembered. In one sense, I could just chalk this up to a faulty memory and a little Mandela effect. Or, maybe, televised arguing has become more brutal and bare knuckled over the past thirty years. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but maybe people were nicer and more respectful in the past.

    Yesterday, I read about Seth Rogen and his thoughts on being married and not having kids. (Good for BuzzFeed, still staying relevant. That’s where I read it.) He made is case of what is right for him and his wife, and he did a good job of articulating his thoughts on the issue. I got a lot of married friends that don’t have kids, and I have a lot of unmarried friends that have kids. And I know some people who have kids and wish they didn’t. Look, I’m married and have a kid and I love it. I also love having one kid, and want it to stay that way. That’s what’s right for the wife and I, and we’re very happy. And no one questions our decision. Our decision gets respected, and it ceases to be an issue. I just think that courtesy should be extended to everyone, regardless of what their reason is for having or not having kids.

    But if you’re not willing to pick up your dog’s shit, then you shouldn’t have a dog. Seriously, turds are part of the deal. So, stop being a tourist and take some responsibility.

  • Inevitable Being

    Walking the kid to school this morning, she told me that she didn’t want to get married when she grew up. What she wanted was two dogs, a cat, a rabbit, and that she would be a doctor. I told that sounded like a good idea; there are a lot of people out there who don’t get married, and are very happy.

    She asked me if I always wanted to get married.

    I said no, but when I met her mother, I changed my mind. That’s what happens when you meet important people, they make you think differently about things.

    Then the kid asked me if I had a girlfriend before mom.

    I did.

    Does mom know you had a girlfriend before her?

    She does.

    Did you kiss this girlfriend?

    I did.

    DOES MOM KNOW THAT!

    She does.

    Then the kid thought about this for a while, and then concluded, I’m glad you married mom because it’s weird to think I would have had a different mom.

    And I remember thinking the same thing when I was a kid talking to my parents about how they started dating. That if things didn’t work out between my parents, I would still have been born, but just to a different mother, or by chance a different father. But whatever the pairing, I would have come into existence.

    I kind’a assumed that this childish thought that I had about my birth was due to my catholic upbringing. Having been taught that my soul was eternal, and that I would always exist, it was just a matter of God grabbing me and throwing me down to Earth to be born. That God had a plan for me, and that my birth and parents were just a necessary step in the process of my existence.

    But for my daughter, we aren’t raising her with religion. (That is a blog for a different day.) We don’t shy away from conversations about God and religion, but she hasn’t been giving the stories of how God made her soul, and sent her down to mom’s womb. She’s been told the truth, that she is a creation of a little bit of mom, and a little bit of dad, and when it’s put together, it creates an original her, unlike anyone else in the world. Yet, she still believes that her existence is inevitable. That there was nothing that would stop her coming into being.

    This isn’t a surprising revelation, now that I think about it. Can anyone really think of a world where they weren’t in it?

    Just a sweet philosophical morning with the kid.

  • The Kid has Learned Well

    Last week, I mentioned that the kid was off from school for her “Mid-Winter Break.” I do not know of a single parent in the City that finds this “break” enjoyable. It is a week of scrambling to find things for the kid to do, so she doesn’t sit in front of a screen the whole time. I think I did an okay job last week. She surely didn’t have less screen time, but she didn’t have more.

    I mean, I’m not an idiot here. I do understand that I am receiving a wonderful gift, which is getting to spend time with my kid, at an age where she still likes and respects me. (The clock is ticking until that goes away…) She is forming her own opinions on music, and movies, and books she wants to read. She is just now taking the first steps in trying to figure out the world around her, and where she fits in. Being a witness to that is a great fringe benefit of being a parent.

    The kid did pepper me with lots of questions last week about growing up in Texas during the 90’s, in the suburbs, where it was warm or hot all the time. Describing growing up outside of Dallas is a fascinating and odd tale that my daughter, with her urban New York City upbringing, has a hard time wrapping her head around. Of all the things I have told her, she finds it amazing that the D/FW area will totally shut down at the first sight of snow; Not a blizzard, or sub-freezing temperatures, but just the tiniest of snowflakes falling would wreck North Texas.

    I think my story telling had an effect on her, as this morning, when getting ready for school, she told me she wanted to dress like a “90’s kid.” I was puzzled, so I asked her what a “90’s kid” looks like? I was told “90’s kids” wear; light blue jeans, All-Star shoes, baggy long sleeve tee-shirts, and listen to cd’s.

    She wasn’t wrong.

    And I also find it rather amazing that my daughter so succinctly summed up a very formative decade of my life. The only way she could have been more on the money is if she wanted a pack of clove cigarettes and a beat-up paperback copy of Naked Lunch to read.

  • I’m Not Getting Anything Done (Unedited, because I don’t have time…)

    This week, it’s the Mid-Winter Break up here in NYC. All the kid’s are off from school in what is like a preview of what Spring Break will be like. I say all of that because it doesn’t feel like winter up here. More like the start of Spring, which is just completely wrong, as this should be close to the coldest week of the year. Ah… Climate Change…

    So, the kid is at home, which is a challenging situation for us all. Very challenging for my wife, as she is working from home, and me and the kid are the worst co-workers to have. We play our music too loud and we’d microwave fish for lunch, if we had a microwave. It’s also not that great for the kid, as she’s away from her friends, as most of them have gone someplace; either to visit family, or just be away from the City. That leaves me as the kid’s partner in crime for having fun. We’ve read books, and done Lego, drawn pictures, run errands, and gone down to The Strand for book shopping. But at the end of the day, no matter how cool dad is, he’s not another kid.

    For me… I see how fleeting life is, and I value these moments that I have with my daughter, knowing that one day she will be off on her own, and I am glad, even comforted that I will have these memories of the time we spent together.

    And the other side of me is that there is a bunch of work that I want to do. Not only write a blog or two, but I have three story ideas I want to work on, as well as just catch up on my reading. (I didn’t help my cause by going book shopping, and adding more to my reading list.) Finally, about twenty minutes ago, I told the kid she HAD to play on the iPad so dad could get some work done, and that request to my daughter what the official sign thatI won’t be getting anything done this week.

    Nope, it’s just not happening.

    I am now going to make brownies with my daughter, and talk about the new accessories that she’s like her favorite doll to have.

  • Thoughts on Time and Settling (Unedited)

    The wife and I made a promise to each other for 2023. I don’t want to call it a resolution, because those are stupid, and doomed to fail. The promise we made was twofold:

    “No more wasting time, and no more settling.”

    This isn’t self-help garbage, like the “Hang in There” kitten poster. This is a pragmatic reminder.

    We do waste an enormous amount of time each day. Looking at our phones is the biggest culprit. But also, mindless eating while looking at the tv. Staying up late to stay up late (that one’s all me) and I have to go back and mention the phones again, because, you know, phones will eat up hours of your day. See, and this time wasting leads to us having to settle on things, because we haven’t given ourselves enough time to accomplish the things we want to do. It can be a vicious cycle, and we’d like to bust out of unhealthy cycles.

    And like all changes in life, no one really likes it, and it’s hard to follow though on.

    The wife is doing better than I. She is making it to yoga on the scheduled days, and going to bed on time. I can’t seem to get to the gym more than twice a week, and that should increase to at least three to four days a week. Like I said above, I’m still not making it to bed on time, which means I’m only getting like six hours of sleep.

    And as we start the game of setting goals and trying to achieve them as a family, I can’t shake the feeling that there is a clock, and I am running out of time. Maybe it has to do with being in my mid-forties, which I have been thinking about a lot of late, and that I might need to have to make some tough choices; I can’t do it all – something will have to fall to the wayside and be left behind.

    I have been with my wife for seventeen years, married for twelve, and they have been good years. We have a kid we love, and want to provide for, which is the real motivation for this. We will only have so much time with her, and then she will be out there in the world. We need to be parents that she can count on, and follow through when we say we are going to do something.