Category: Life

  • ODDS and ENDS: That’s Some Good Sentencing, Rewatching Baking Show, and Red Pants

    (I think I’m starting to peak now, Al…)

    Do you know who Tina Peters is? Long story short, she was a MAGA county clerk in Colorado who help a person break into Dominion voting machines after the 2020 election. She has been unrepentant in her actions, has even become a semi-celebrity in ultra-conservative conspiracy circles. Well, she got put on trial for the crime of breaking into voting machines, was found guilty in August, and was sentenced the other day. Below is the video of the judge sentencing her, and also laying out a very good case of why these conspiracies and the people who propagate them are extremely dangerous to our democracy.

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    So, the new season of Great British Baking Show started last week, and I may or may not write more about this season. Or I may wait until it’s all over with to write about it, or I might not write about it at all. Either way, for me and the wife, the lead up to the new season means that we go through and watch the past seasons. Funny the things we remember and the things we forget. The one thing that I remember and never changes is that Sandi Toksvig was the best host of that show, hands down and unquestioned. But the things we forget, like who won, and who made it to the finals, we very often misremember (is that a word?) those details. I would have to say that I am 50% when it comes to remembering who won a season, or who got voted out on a certain episode. But I will never forget the awful mispronunciation of the word “taco.” Paul kept calling it a “Tack-oh.”

    I now have a pair of pants whose color name is “Nantucket Red.” (I am aware that Nantucket Red is a specific type of pant from Murray’s Toggery Shop in Nantucket, and what I am referring to is a pair of red pants I got in a thrift shop a month ago, but the tag called the pant color by that name.) I like the pants because they fit well, and go with several shirts that I own. Yes, there is a WASP-ness to the pants, which I feel I pull off ironicy. But at the end of the day, they are a pair of red pants, which can feel like a bold step for a person as modest as me. The only other guy I knew who proudly had a pair of red pants was the comedian/improv performer down in the Lower East Side. He was funny enough for a guy who was 22, right out of college, and trying to make their way in NYC. And his thing was the red pants. He always had the red pants on, and would tell people he always wore these red pants. I took it to mean that he wore the pants when he was out performing, like a costume. No, his girlfriend confirmed that he wore the pants all the time. He even wore them in the shower to “wash” them, she said. I still think it was a bit.

  • Lost Night of Sleep

    We had a rough night of sleep. More like, we had a rough night of not sleeping.

    I’m a night owl, and if I had my choice, I would stay a night owl forever! But, I’m not twenty-four anymore, and as I have more things to live for, and as get closer to my death and further from my birth, I am starting to take my health more seriously. In that regard, I am trying to get more sleep to help regulate my body, or whatever it is that my doctor told me I needed to do to lose weight, and live for a long time.

    I have been making progress. I got one of those health apps on my phone, and I have noticed that I am moving from five hours of sleep, to very closely to getting six hours of sleep. The goal is seven, and if one day comes and I get eight hours of uninterrupted sleep, I might actually be dead.

    Then last night, we had a rough one.

    My daughter normally is a great sleeper. Like, she’s out in five minutes after hitting the pillow. In fact, she’s always been like that, even as a baby. We had very few nights where she was cranky and wouldn’t sleep. It was a blessing that we were very grateful to receive. Yet, last night wasn’t her night.

    See, she had a test this morning at school, and even though she’s an A+ student and on top of all her school work, tests do make her very anxious. So, before bed, we talked about her feelings, what she was nervous about, what she hoped would happen. All the normal steps we take when she has a very important day in the morning. And after we put her to bed, she was back up in about ten minutes. We did the same thing again, and talked through all of her feelings, making sure she knew we were here to support her no matter what happened, and also building up her confidence for taking the test.

    She was down for about an hour, and then she got up again, but this time she was sleep walking. This is also a normal reaction that she has when there is a big day ahead of her. Usually, we can gently get her back into bed. But last night, she was up three more times, and with each occurrence, she was angrier and angrier. And each time, we remained calm, got her back into bed, and tried to sooth her to sleep. The final episode was at 1am, and I have to be up at 5:30 to get our family going.

    And she was tired this morning when I got her up, but she had no memory of the night before. She remembers getting up the first time, but nothing else. I don’t believe that the kid is trying to deceive me, I don’t think she was lying. I know that the best thing to do in these situations is not to draw too much attention to the night before, and make her feel guilty. It happened, and we are all okay, and we are all here to support each other.

    On the way to school this morning, she was bubbly, and said she was ready for her test. Then we ran into a friend, and the two of them talked Percy Jackson books, and summer camps. I guess she’s okay; I mean, I won’t know till after school. She seems okay, but sometimes that isn’t always the truth.

  • Open Letter to the Asshole Who Stole My Umbrella

    Dear Dingleberry,

    You already know that I consider you to be an asshole from the title of this piece, so I thought it best, in the hopes of keeping this letter active and engaging, that I come up with some other descriptive names for you; such as rat faced monkey butt.

    Yet, I feel I should get to the point. For you, you near sighted stinky weasel, stole my umbrella that was wet, and drying outside of my apartment’s front door. You might not be aware of this, you waste of carbon, but theft is frowned upon. In fact, as this is a small building with a limited number of people living here, we all know each other rather well, and stealing from the front door of your neighbor, is a cardinal sin around these parts.

    I understand why you did it, you simple minded amoeba, it was raining outside, but that doesn’t justify your actions. If you wanted to borrow and return the umbrella, I would have agreed to that, for I am a neighborly neighbor, unlike you, a stain left on the floor.

    But, you did not do that.

    You saw an opportunity, and took it believing that there would be no repercussions to this action. The actions of a poop smelling little person.

    I know that there is a good chance that one of my neighbors did not do this, because as I had mentioned before, we do look out for each other in this building. We help each other move heavy things up and down the stairs, water each other’s plant, feed each other’s animals, delivery packages and mail, and most importantly, hold doors open and say hello. NO, my neighbors are good people.

    You, assclown, most likely don’t live here, and maybe thought you would never come back here, or if you do come back, so much time will have past that no one will care that you swiped an umbrella from someone’s door step.

    Ah! You figured wrong; you chunk of ear wax! You couldn’t have imagined that “the power of words” would come after you in this wildly passive-aggressive letter! Yes, the pen is mightier than the sword, but a baseball bat to the shins is even better!

    And with no due respect; please burn in hell. Forever, if you wouldn’t mind,

    Matt Groff

    P.S. – Bruce knows what I’m going through…

  • ODDS and ENDS: Hurricane Training, Mayor of NYC, and LinkedIn

    (I’m a cold Italian pizza, I could use a lemon squeeze-a…)

    Yes, hurricanes are dangerous, and we should take them seriously. The damage they cause and the loss of life, so people need to heed the warnings that officials give. But I want to talk about those poor television meteorologists who get stuck with the job of standing out in the wind and rain to “show us” how dangerous the storm is. First of all, no one is out here asking for somebody to stand in the storm – when you tell us it’s windy and rainy, we believe you, we’re good. Second, and being that it’s a cliche for the weatherman to stand in the storm, it’s dangerous to do that, so does the meteorologist receive some sort of training? Do they teach how to breast a storm and hold on to your hat? Or is this a “figure it out on your own” type situation?

    I told you that you couldn’t trust Eric Adams. If a guy lies about sharing an apartment with his son so he can claim residency in NYC to run for mayor, then you know he’s not fit for the job. Just saying…

    Oh LinkedIn; the account I have but never use. Though I haven’t touched it in years, I do enjoy your weekly email telling me that my profile appeared in 3 searches. Week in, week out, it’s always the same – 3 searches. It’s a magic number, three.

  • My “Merch” Page

    I sit in my little office, and I try to come up with things. Sometimes I write them down, and put them up on my blog. Other times, I send them out to magazines – both online and print – with the hopes that they get published. I have made some headway in this regard, but my results have been modest, to say the most. Through all of this, there has been a goal in the back of my mind, which is that I will earn enough money from my writing to go and buy a new computer. Not that I need a new computer, it’s more of a symbol, and sounds better than saying I want to earn $1,000. (But if someone out there wants to buy me a MacBook Air 13-inch with M2 chip, I won’t say no.) As of the end of August, combining what I have earned from my writing and the ads on my blog, I have $6.69.

    I started to think, I might need to diversify my income streams from my writing. Hence why I am contemplating opening up a “merch” store on the blog.

    This might require that I come up with a logo. Maybe a funny catch phrase or two that could go on a sweatshirt or a hoodie. And I gotta have coffee mugs.

    I produced enough shows and ran some theatre companies that I know you never make your money off of ticket sales; it’s the concessions and the mech that really pays for everything. Well, that and grants and a large loyal donor base…

    Point being, maybe my tens and tens of fans are coming for my witty observations and inspired criticisms, but that stuff doesn’t pay the bills, you know.

    First of all, I do need you guys to like and subscribe as that does help me move up in the algorithm.

    Next, I will set up a page on the blog, and get some really funny and catchy shit on t-shirts that we all can wear ironically (or sincerely… they’ll always wonder when reading it…) I haven’t forgotten about the coffee mugs; those will have inspirational crap on it, like “The Only Rule is that There Are No Rules.”

    Right?

    Oh, and I’m open to a refurbished MacBook Air from like a year, as well.