Author: Matthew Groff

  • Who Visits Gettysburg, and Why?

    This weekend, we went down to VA to pick up our kid who had been visiting friends for a week. The drive back to NYC would take us through the hellscape that is the I-95 corridor from DC to NYC. It can take anywhere from 5to 8 hours just to get home. So, we thought we’d go a new route; Virginia to Maryland, to Pennsylvania, to New Jersey and then NYC. Waze said it would take seven hours, which was then same amount of time if we took the direct I-95 path.

    Anyway, the halfway point was sort of close to Gettysburg. As I am a pretty huge Civil War buff, and a big Lincoln Fan, we decided that a stop at the National Military Park and Battlefield would be a good idea.

    But this isn’t going to be about the battlefield or the park. This is about the people who come and visit Gettysburg, and why.

    When I encountered people, it was at the Visitor Center, which had a good introduction to the park, and the bathrooms. The first observation I made was that the people visiting are overwhelmingly white, myself included. The other thing I noticed was a lot of former and current military, and I knew this by the veteran caps and t-shirts that they were wearing. And then there were lots of conservative people, and I mean lots of them. I can say this with confidence due to the t-shirts, and bumper stickers that said, “Don’t Tread on Me,” “Blue Lives Matter,” and “Trump.”  And also, lots of guys sporting AR-15 buttons and pins. That’s not to say that there weren’t other people out there, because there were. I would describe this group as people who weren’t in other two groups, but still white.

    The people I did talk to were all nice, and very friendly. We brought the dog with us, and throw in a kid, and I came across as pretty non-threating. What I got from people is that they wanted to see Gettysburg to honor and respect the history. Also, the thought that “things were simpler then,” came up often, which I found fascinating as a civil war seems to me to be a very complicated thing.

    For me, I’m just happy that Americans want to experience our history. The reasoning behind it is never the same for each person, and that’s okay. Some are there for the fighting and the war, others are there to see where our new birth of freedom began.

  • The Kid’s First Time Being Homesick

    Our daughter has been visiting friends for the past few days. She has been looking forward to this trip for months! She was getting to travel, be in a house that had a pool, hang out with other kids all day, and have a summer adventure.

    When we dropped off the kid, she couldn’t have given two craps that we were leaving. She was excited and laughing, and wanted to be away from us. There was a little sting with her being so blasé with our exit, but on a more important level, I was happy that she wasn’t having any separation issues. We FaceTimed each night, and she was bubbling over telling us all about the fun she was having, but the call always ended with her telling us that she loved us and missed us.

    Last night on our call, the kid was talking all about the fun they had, and then she got quite, and started to silently sob little tears. Oh, our hearts just broke. “I want to see you, here,” she cried, “I miss you.” We tried to console her, letting her know that we would all be together soon, and how much we loved her.

    This is also normal. This is the longest we have all been apart, and it’s especially hard on her. I also feel very helpless as all can do is try and comfort her through a computer screen. When what we all want is a big long silly hug.

    I remember that feeling of being away from your parents and never really knowing when you will see them again. When I was her age, I remember being upset, and my aunt called my mother so I could talk to her on the phone. My Ma would calm me down and tell me that she loved me and that we would all be together again, very soon. And it would help. But that lonely missing feeling never really went away in me; it was in the back of my head making butterflies in my stomach.

    I do hope my little girl is having fun today, and not missing us too bad. Though I expect that the next hug I get from her will be pretty tight and a little long.

  • Difference Between Midlife Crisis and A New Career?

    I had drinks with a friend last night at a local bar, and I am still amazed/anxious about going to bars, but was happy to do it. The friend and I are close to the same age, have weathered the pandemic with our families, and now that we are on the other side, we are both looking to do things differently with our careers.

    He told me about his endeavors and opportunities that he is hoping break his way. He also informed me that his old career came knocking, and he has been hesitant to jump back in. Going back for him would be lucrative, but it would also mean doing the same old thing and expecting a different result. Fair enough.

    He asked me about what I was doing, and I pretty much gave him the same answer. I think I was a little more blunt by saying, “No more working for or with assholes.” (Which reminds me of a rule/guideline when it comes to interviewing people for a position; If a potential employee tells you that all the people at their last job were assholes, usually that means the potential employee was the problem. So, maybe I was the asshole?) Really, what I meant was no more toxic work environments.

    And as I walked home, a thought came into my head; Isn’t this just a midlife crisis? We are both forty, life hasn’t work out as planned, so we are trying a new career in an effort to get things moving again. The only thing we are missing is a divorce, a sports car, and dating a twenty-year old.

  • Simone Biles: Some Thoughts

    Simone Biles has got everyone talking. It’s been awhile, maybe the Trump days, since I have seen one person light up the internet with all kinds of opinions.

    For the record, Simone Biles doesn’t owe anyone anything. If she wanted to pull out of the Olympics seconds before she took the mat, that is her business. Personally, I don’t think she had to share her reasoning with the world, but being that she did, I think it is spurring a good conversation about stress, pressure, and mental wellbeing. The other thing that makes me feel better about this story is that it seems like the overwhelming majority of people are supporting her; athletes to fans. The only people I see getting mad at her are conservative white men.

    And then I had another thought this morning; what if Simone Biles doesn’t like gymnastics anymore? She is the gymnastics GOAT, but what if she just does like the sport? After everything that has happened to the USA gymnastics world, I could see her, and in fact all women gymnasts, say that they are done with it. Just because you are good at something, even the best, doesn’t mean you love it, or even like it.

    In high school, I knew a lot of guys who played football, and were really good at it, but they were only playing so they could get into college. They didn’t really give two shits about the sport, other than it was a “job” that would get them to a better life, by getting a degree. So, for that reason, they worked hard at it, but they didn’t love it.

    In our house, Simone Biles will still be a hero. It’s cool to work hard and be the best at what you do, but she is also showing that being mentally healthy is worth fighting for as well.

  • Managing Expectations

    I sure have heard this phrase a lot over the past several years. In the arts and business world, and normally, when it is brought up, it is because two parties believe in different outcomes to specific actions. I will go a step further and say that it also is a sign that one party is not sharing their expectations with the other party, so they can be “outraged” at the other party when the results are not satisfactory, and thus stop working with that other party. (Can you tell I have been burned by this situation more than once…)

    It’s a loaded phrase, like “We need to talk.”

    Nothing good follows. Normally.

    And I used the “managing expectations” phrase last night when I was out to dinner with my wife. Now that we have a tiny, smidge of stability on the horizon, what do when envision?

    The answer was two different ideas.

    Now, we were out to dinner, which we haven’t done in over a year, and we had several drinks in us, so we both know each other well enough to not hold the other one to anything that was said.

    It was about the timeline of me returning to work; when, doing what, and how much should I bring in? We aren’t too far off, but it was different. And that’s okay. I think being able to talk about it really is the most important part, and listening to what the other person is saying.

    What we both heard was that we need to make sure the kid is okay. Whatever the details are, it all leads to the same destination; how do we build a home and family, that meets our physical and mental needs, as well as our daughter’s.