In reality, I was traveling to Texas to visit my family, especially my father. See, back on Labor Day, while my dad was staying with my brother and his family, my father had an angina episode. Though scary as all hell, it wasn’t a heart attack, and he is fine. He’ll have some follow ups with his doctor and cardiologist, but on the whole, he’s fine. I was staying with him for the week, to make sure that he took it easy and recovered. Besides, I like spending time with my dad. And I got to see my whole Texas family, so considering what had happened, it actually was a pretty good trip.
Before the trip, it was awful. I got a call from my brother saying that Dad was having chest pains and they were taking him to the hospital. My brothers and sisters-in-law did a great job of keeping me and my family in the loop on what was going on, but being 1,500 miles away, all that it created in me was a feeling of powerlessness. Cheering on from afar, but knowing there was nothing I could do other than get on a plane.
Funny how there are still instances and situations that I can find myself in that just smack me down to feeling like a helpless child.
Though I told myself no to go there, not to think those thoughts; I did. I thought of living in a world without my father. To exist orphaned, no parents, lost and adrift. So what if I am middle aged? My folks are supposed to be here forever.
But I already lost my mother. It will be six years this October. I can feel the gloom building in me as I get closer to that date. It’s not as bad as it was. I’m healing, learning to remember all the things that made her a wonder mom, and all the quirky weird stuff that she did that made her uniquely our mother.
Just not ready to lose my father.
And I haven’t, for which I am thankful. Still got some more time to make him laugh.
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