Tag: #working

  • Nighttime, My Brain Won’t Shut Off

    I went through a brief period where I was sleeping okay, but now I have returned to not sleeping. I get about five hours of sleep a night. I have cut out snacking, screen time, and nightcaps, but it really doesn’t help. What also doesn’t help is that PLUTO TV has an MST3k channel, but late at night they do show “Manhunt in Space” and “The Wild Wild World of Batgirl,” way too often, which, even for MST3k, are pretty unwatchable episodes. Anyway, I have tried melatonin, and that can help me get to sleep for a couple of hours, but then I will make up again.

    I’m having trouble shutting off my mind. I have tried several different tricks, but nothing is really working. I’m good in the day time; I can stay upbeat and focused, get my work done and support the family. But once I start getting ready for bed, all the doubts and regrets, and fears come alive. To be honest, I cannot remember the last time I had a solid good night’s sleep, but I know at one point I did. All of this leads to the feeling of malaise, and the phrase that I keep saying to myself that, “I haven’t been myself in a long time.”

    In my mind, I feel like I have been this way for three years, but just know when I looked at a calendar, I realize that I have been saying this for three year, so in actuality, it’s been six years. Maybe five. I didn’t start not feeling myself over night, but I did feel myself being pulled away from who I am back then.

    I took a job that I was qualified for, but didn’t want to do, and they paid me too much money to do it. I take responsibility for my actions, and in the short run it helped out my family get out of a financial hole, but in the end, I got good at something that I didn’t like doing. (I was warned not to do that in college.) And I haven’t forgiven myself for that. I feel it was that decision that has led me to where I am sitting right now.

    I wish I was one of those people who could let things go, be a goldfish, but I’m not.

    Well… I’m not right now.

    Even as I write this, I feel very edgy, that even tapping a finger on the memories of the past six years will send me down a spiral of negative thoughts, that I won’t be able to pull myself out of.

    Because all of my emotional roads lead back, not to that job, but losing my mother. That happened in the middle of everything, and it’s, just, derailed me.

    Now, I’m not sure what I need do to deal with all of this, but what I think I should do is just keep trying to find a creative way to channel these emotions. And I do, with this, and all the other things I try.

    But, I would really like to sleep at night.

  • I Should Be Working

    Not sure what I should be working on today. I keep thinking that some idea will pop into my head, but that hasn’t happened. I have been sitting here for an hour now and nothing has come to me.

    What have I been doing for an hour?

    I balanced the family checkbook.

    I watched an episode of the old Addams Family on PlutoTV with my daughter.

    And at the same time, helped the kid spell some words for a book she was writing for her mom.

    I read an article about the Battle of Harlem Heights, which happened this day in 1776.

    There is no school today, in case anyone is wondering why the kid is here right now.

    And now, I’m starting to think about what I’m going to be doing the rest of the day…

    Later today, I’m going to try and convince the kid to watch Tottenham play Stade Rennais FC in the Europa Conference League, but I’ll probably be watching that alone.

    I should be working on some home improvement projects today… I might do that next…

    Oh, I did read an article in The New Yorker about CRT. It was informative.

    I should do a water color sketch.

    You know, my blog posts aren’t getting the views that they used to. I used to get 4 views per post, and for the past two weeks it’s dropped to one. I think my quality of posts is declining, which would explain why the numbers are dropping. Or… WordPress is suppressing my numbers, just like FaceBook and IG do to control your viewing habits.

    But, perhaps I said too much…

    I guess I’m back to using Twitter.

  • Cop Out

    I tried to write about writing, and you know, it just felt like a cop out. Like I was trying to show that I was doing something, when in reality, I haven’t done a whole lot. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I was trying to pass off a lie, but it felt insincere. Not authentic.

    Where I am in my day today is that I dropped the kid off at school, walked the dog, went grocery shopping, and I am now trying to put a blog together.

    Going through motions?

    Maybe?

    As I sit on the couch and the wife works at her desk, I think I am trying to validate my worth right now. Trying to create something that I can point at so I can at least say I accomplished something creative. And then I also feel the need to share it. And share it to get validation.

    Is that all that this is boiling down to? I need someone to notice me?

    Maybe I do need someone to say, “Hey, I see you,” to feel like my day has a purpose. I still can’t tell if that is wrong or not. Somedays, it does feel wrong. That I have accomplished nothing, and that I am creating a false reality to have the appearance that I am doing these things.

    I don’t think there is a clean way to make wanting to be the center of attention altruistic.

    Hmmmmm…

  • Labor Day is Political Now?

    I found it odd over the past couple of days that Labor Day, a day set up to celebrate the US labor movement and unions, seems to have been co-opted by Conservative and Republicans, a very anti-union group, to assail people who are out of work. I saw many postings that were to the effect of, “If you aren’t working, you don’t get the celebrate.”

    I mean, I’m surprised but not surprised at this development. I mean, it’s just Labor Day, and normally a nice end to Summer Vacation. But on the other hand, why wouldn’t people try to make this divisive? It’s an old Conservative/Republican thing to blame poor people for not being wealthy. I have heard the trope all my life from people saying, “Just go get a job,” as if that will solve everything. Usually the people yelling that are college educated, and make way over minimum wage.

    I remember my grandfathers, both who worked through the Depression. One was college educated and management, and the other had a high school education, worked at a factory, and was a member of a union. Both of them respected work, and the fact that a person had a job, no matter what that job was, was to honored. “Always respect a man with a job,” they both would say. And, being that both of them started working during The Depression, they also respected that sometimes people get knocked down through no fault of their own. And they also taught me that kicking someone when they’re down is never heroic.

    I guess what I felt was the loss of decency. There are people out there that don’t want to work and take advantage of the system, but there are more people out there that want a job, to be responsible and take care of their families. The fact that people of one political persuasion don’t have the decency to see and understand that is disappointing. Depressing actually.

  • The Jobs I’ve Had

    Over the past couple of mornings, I have been thinking about all the jobs that I have had. From my first job sacking groceries at 16, to the last one, at the start of the pandemic, running a kids dance studio. And I will define “job” as paid employment. Not work, because I have worked on a lot of things, and never got paid.

    The first job was at a grocery store. Then I worked as a telemarketer, and at a Blockbuster Video. I worked at a Barnes and Noble, and delivered pizzas, then made pizzas, and then managed a pizza shop. I managed a costume shop at my university, and then did marketing for an outdoor theatre. I also did marketing for a small publisher, and a little copy editing, too. I was a background investigation specialist, and theatre director. Then I was a temp around NYC, doing a lot of emailing for different companies. Then I was an office manager for a rehearsal studio. I was a working actor, puppeteer, director, and even did a short stint as a producer. Then I managed another rehearsal studio, then ran all of their operations, and finally I was the managing director of the whole joint. Then I was the managing director of a different joint. I got paid to write a review of a B movie for an online magazine. Then I was the operations director for an art center, thus ending on running the kids dance studio.

    I think that’s all the job’s I’ve had. I might have missed one or two.

    And I can say with 100% Honesty, I worked the hardest for the jobs that paid me the least.