Tag: Shame

  • Short Story Review: “Consolation” by Andre Alexis

    (The short story “Consolation” by Andre Alexis appeared in the May 20th, 2024 issue of The New Yorker.)

    Illustration by André Derainne

    If you have read any of my reviews, then you know that I am a sucker for a story about death, especially if it’s a story dealing with the death of a parent. “Consolation” by Andre Alexis is such a story, as it deals with the death of both the narrator’s parents, but it is also about how parents’ shame can affect their children, can affect a marriage, and can affect the community they live in.

    The piece begins with the narrator telling how he got in an argument with his elderly mother over driving directions, and the narrator was so hurt but his mother’s anger, that he didn’t speak to her for two years. Only when they reconciled, did the narrator learn that his mother had dementia, and most likely the fight was a precursor of her disease. This leads the narrator to recount the death of his father, which happened a decade earlier, and though we feel that the son loves his father, we also learn that the father was a serial philanderer, thrice divorced, and despised by the narrator’s mother for the infidelity. Then the narrator tells us the story of his father, who was born in poverty in Trinidad, worked his way up and out by becoming a doctor, and then married the woman who would become the narrator’s mother. Together, they started a family, and moved to Canada, to a small all white town, where the father dealt with the indignity of the town’s prejudice, to become a respected member of the community. It is also the place where the father’s infidelities began to be noticed, and affect the family.

    This is a well thought out, and written, short story. The characters are compelling. The family dynamic is honest, complicated, and uncomfortable. It’s paced well, has a very unique climax, and I just didn’t like this story when everything is telling me that I should. I have been thinking about, and thinking about it, and I should like this, but something just feels off to me. And today, it came to me; it’s passion. Which is even more striking as there is a paragraph in this story that is about passion – between the father and another woman, and the son realizing that this moment of discovering this passion lead him to his career as a lawyer. That this is a story about passions, between lovers, between family members, how they can spark trust and betrayals. Yet, I found the narration less than passionate, which I can only say was done on purpose. This passionless narration juxtaposed with these lives driven by different forms of passion which elicit reactions of shame, desire, and anger. I go back to the start of the story and the narrator describing the argument he had with his mother. The way it is described is almost clinical, factual, without any hint of what the narrator was feeling. It is an event that is only described and not felt. I get the decision to write this story in this way, to make the point that is needed for it to have its conclusion. This artistic choice left me feeling divorced from the emotions of these characters, which explains why I couldn’t connect with the story.

    I will fully admit that I am the odd man out here. I can totally understand why people will love this story, and be dumbfounded by my inability to relate to this piece. Yes, it’s me, and it is not Andre Alexis. You should read this story, enjoy it greatly, and then shake your head at me for not getting this story.

  • Parenting: Dealing with Disappointment

    I had mentioned back on Friday that my daughter didn’t get into the free After-School program at her school. We broke the news to her over the weekend to allow her time to process the development, and talk it out. On the whole, she said that she was okay with it. What she wanted was to spend more time with her friends at the playground and with me.

    That sounded sweet, but I had my suspicions.

    Sadly, I was correct on Monday. Drop off in morning at school was fine. I reminded her that I would be back when school let out, and that we could go to the playground if she wanted. Again, she said that was what she wanted to do. When I came back to pick her up, I could see in her eyes that it was beginning to dawn on her that virtually all of her friends, save two, got into the After-School program. We did go to the playground, and she played with her two good friends, but I knew, I mean I could feel it, that she was having the feelings of being left out and rejected. After about forty-five minutes of half-assed, her heart wasn’t into it, playing, she asked me if we could go home.

    At home, we all talked about what she was feeling, and how it hurts. We also talked about things we could do tomorrow to make after school more fun than today. When it was bedtime, she had bounced back, and was that silly goofy kid.

    When it was pick up time yesterday, she had that same gloomy face, and looking longingly at all her friends that are taking part in the After-School. When went to the playground again, but this time, her two friends weren’t there. Though there were a few kids from her class running around, she refused to play with them, because she only wanted to play with “her” friends.

    It was just breaking my heart to see her hurt in this way. I know that she originally didn’t want to do the After-School, and she really didn’t like it last year. I know it took a long time for me and the wife to convince her that we should apply for the program. I know all of this.

    And I don’t know how to fix this, and I also don’t know if I should. Disappointment is a part of life, and something that everyone has to learn to deal with. But I can’t shake the feeling that my job as her dad is to not let her suffer needlessly. Even if this is a small hiccup on the path of her life, right now to her, this is the biggest set back she’s faced. Asking her to put this in perspective is a futile act because she is too young to have a perspective. (And also, I hated when parents and teachers would tell me that what I was feeling wasn’t that big of a deal. It was a big deal to me, and that’s all that mattered.) In her life, and I know she has been very lucky so far, this is the most complicated emotional issue she has had; She wanted something, didn’t get it, and has to be reminded daily that she’s not included. She’s feeling disappointment, a little embarrassment, shame, loss, sadness, and the dreaded fear of missing out.

    I feel powerless to help her. I know we need to keep talking about her feelings, but my gut instinct is to take action – do something to better the situation. Other after school activities cost money, which we are in short supply of, so I think I’m going to have to be a little creative. Maybe we come up with a library day once a week, or visit museums? Maybe we go and volunteer at local arts organizations? Maybe we do art projects at home? Maybe I put her to work painting the apartment?

    I think the lesson I need to teach her, and reinforce in myself, is that getting disappointed is something that is inevitable and sometimes out of our control. How we deal with that disappointment is what we can control. Taking those feelings of disappointment and channeling them into something positive might be the best way to handle this situation.

    I hate seeing the kid upset, though. That one stings.

    (Say, I have a favor to ask of you. If you enjoyed this blog post, please share the love and give it a like, or a comment, or a share, or whatever combination works best for you. You’d be doing a body good.)

  • PACT Act Passed and Shame is Back for the GOP

    There are many traditions in the United States, but one of the longest running and most prevalent in our 250+ year history is screwing over veterans. From the Revolution to Afghanistan, the US Government has a habit of letting veterans down. I know no American, not one, who is opposed to helping veterans get health care, mental care, access to housing, food, and substance abuse help.

    So, when Republicans pulled their support from the PACT Act last week, sadly, I wasn’t surprised, and neither was every veterans group who has been pushing for the PACT Act. I am just dumbfounded that Republicans believed that they can get away with praising our military one moment and then turn around and fight against supporting that same military when they come home.

    But something happened this week that hasn’t been a part of the Republican party for the past six years; shame. The reason the PACT Act got passed yesterday was that the Republicans in the Senate got shamed. They were shamed by vets, their families, but especially by Jon Stewart. The Senate GOP tried to roll out their arguments against the bill, but no one was having it; everyone saw it for what it was – lies. The shame of telling lies became so great that they caved and passed the bill.

    I think this is important because over the past six years, the Republican party has had no shame. They have doubled down again and again on reprehensible positions and arguments, daring people to call them liars. This was Trump’s hold on the GOP – just lie and do what you want. At the end of the day, if you accomplished your goal, what does it matter what you had to do to get there, right?

    Could this be the crack in Trump’s grip on GOP politicians? Maybe. I know that Trump didn’t weight in on this topic, and that might have changed things. I also know the VA system is still a shit show, which was supposed to be fixed under Obama, so there is shame to be passed around. But, BUT, I think a few years ago, there was no amount of pressure you could put on Republicans to get them to change their votes.

    Change just might be possible.