Tag: #selfdoubt

  • Solving the Small Problem First

    It is cold today. Not just the normal cold, but actually 20 degrees. I know things get cold here, but it has been awhile since it has been this cold. I decided that it was too cold for the grocery shopping which I had planned down at the 93rd Trader Joe’s. It’s a just a “stay in” kind of day.

    And as such, I have a free day – sort of – at least, one I wasn’t planning on. I am doing what I normally do, which is starting off with the blog. Next, I will put in some journal time. The last thing for the day will be working on a story.

    This has been my pattern of writing since September when the kid went back to school. I have to say that the results have been mixed. Not bad, but I was expecting that I would have completed more work, and would be in a better position for submitting work. (In four days, One Story Magazine starts taking submissions again, and I plan on sending them something.) I still feel that I need more material in the bank, but I think that is a cop out on my part. Like, I’m already looking for reasons why things haven’t been going my way, thus not my fault.

    I keep saying things haven’t been going my way, because I still take myself out of the game. I’m continuing to have the 2am self-doubt moments. Last night’s was pretty bad, as I started telling myself that I just don’t have the passion to do this. That all my friends who are doing well in their careers are passionate about what they do, and are willing to work hard, and that is way they are successful. While me… I’m too lazy and insecure to even get started, and if I did get started, it would suck, and I would fail.

    It took me a bit to calm myself down. Just to breath, and remind myself that I’m okay. Everything is okay. Everything will be okay. I don’t know how, but it will be. Gotta have faith.

    One of the things I reminded myself of was what I learned in therapy long ago; You can only solve one problem at a time. Instead of trying to solve the biggest one, maybe I should try a small one – a problem that I can have control over. THEN, I should try to solve a problem that’s a little bigger. And so on, and so on until maybe that big problem is a little more manageable.

    One problem at a time.

  • Adjusting

    Today was my first day of a little depression. With the huge Camp Fire burning to the north of us, we have been covered in smoke, so we can’t go outside as the air is unbreathable. The wife goes to work, the kid goes to school, and I am at home looking for a job, and trying to write.

    It was fun for the first few days.

    Today, clearly, I hit a wall.

    I felt unmotivated, and couldn’t get going on anything. I mean, I got groceries for the family, but then I couldn’t do anything else.

    I watched the news, and just spent the day thinking about everything that could be happening to me in New York. Social media doesn’t help, because I can see what all of my friends are doing in NYC. And that kicks in the “fear of missing out.”

    But they are in there, and I am here, and 3,000 miles separates us.

    Another part of this is that I was talking to an old college friend last night, and he was asking me about how I was doing, and why I moved to California. It wasn’t in an accusatory way, more along the lines of “help me understand your decision so I can support you.”

    Why did I move?

    Well… I wanted a better life for my kid. I wanted to go on an adventure and try something new. I wanted to focus on writing. But as I was talking to my friend, I found myself saying something that I hadn’t expressed before, which was I was becoming the type of person who couldn’t celebrate other’s successes without trying to pull them down. The theatre world isn’t very nice, and I was beginning to take part in the bitter middle-aged actor stereotype. And to be that person made me a crappy father and a shitty husband. Maybe that was New York’s fault, but it was really my fault.

    I needed to change things.

    I needed to reinvent myself.

    Today was a day that I started to doubt that decision.

    Not that I am changing my mind.