Tag: #Parenting

  • Dredging

    So, I have been avoiding talking about a situation, and it has to do with my daughter. She is having an eye surgery today. Very minor, adjusting the muscles in her right eye to help alignment, and to improve vision. This is, in fact, the second time she has had an operation on her eyes. Back in September 2020, both eyes were adjusted, and we thought that would be the end of it. But there was a 5% chance that we’d be back.

    I didn’t write about this before because I didn’t want to over share about my daughter’s life. But, I share so many other things about her, and not that it gives me license to share everything that happens to her… I’m proud of my kid, and this is an operation that is common and nothing to be ashamed of. She was afraid when the first surgery came around, and she sure as hell wasn’t happy about having to have a second operation, but she faced her fears, and moved forward.

    I, on the other hand, have been not at my best. I haven’t been sleeping, or eating right, and I also have been a little short tempered as well. This second surgery has been our radar since September, and I admit that I have been avoiding thinking about it. I’m not a piece of shit dad, as I read all the pre-surgery information, schedule all the appointments, and checkups, and got the kid her Covid test, and all of that stuff. I was there for the kid whenever she wanted to talk about it, and I tried my best to listen to what she was saying and not just dismiss her concerns.

    I was trying to be brave for everybody, and not think or dwell on what I was feeling. I understand that there are moments when being a parent you have to put the kid’s wellbeing before your own. And now that we are on the other side of her surgery (She just got out of the OR and is in recovery with her mother,) all of my emotions are coming up.

    The first is that I couldn’t be there. Thanks to Covid, only one parent is allowed in the hospital, so, again, I had to sit out. This left me at home, with my computer, thinking about all of this. Too much time to sit around and think, and though I know the chance of complications from the operation are minimal, not being there still makes me feel helpless, and useless.

    And hospitals, and feeling helpless and useless just dregs up the old feeling of my mother slowly dying in a hospital. These two situations have nothing in common other than a hospital, but it’s there. When hospitals are mentioned, it pops right up. And it’s not the memories of my mother dying that show up, it’s the emotions which feel draped over me like an ugly sweater.

    With that feeling of helplessness all around me, I started reliving all the mistakes that I have made over the past five years. Like, really litigating and flagellating myself. Really punishing myself for not living up who I should be for my wife and kid. Reliving mistakes I made in my career, and moments when I should have stood up for myself, or told that guy off, or just walked away. Then I really started punishing myself for not being smart enough, or talented enough, or wasting all the opportunities that I have had in this life.

    And all of this is because my kid is having a minor eye surgery?

    I might be a little depressed.

    Being upset that your child has to have an operation; that’s understandable.

    Thinking that I am the worst human on the planet because my kid is having an operation? Something seems out of whack.

    And I have been avoiding talking about this. I was trying to be brave for the wife and kid, but if any stress comes my way, and my reaction is to do the minimum and hate myself, then I am not handling it in a healthy way. And in the end, I’m not being a good father or husband.

    The good news is that the wife texted me and the kid is awake and eating ice cream. They should be home in a bit, and I promised to make chicken noodle soup.

    I got a lot of work to do.

  • Parent Fail

    Yesterday, I took the kid to the dentist, which she thinks of as a fun thing to do. She was nervous to go to the dentist at first, but we talked to her about who the dentist and the technicians are, and how they are there to help her. What also helps is that we found a great children’s dentist practice in the neighborhood, wherein everybody there is open and friendly, and fun, so the kid loves seeing them every six months.

    But at this latest appointment, the dentist found a little cavity in the kid’s back baby tooth, and it made me feel like a failure as a parent. I didn’t get my first cavity until I was eighteen, and I swear, I ate way worse than my kid does, but still; how did this happen? No matter what the answer, at the end of the day, it’s the parent’s fault, right?. We approve everything she eats, make sure she brushes, and if we allow her to eat bad stuff and not really brush her teeth, that’s on us. But, I thought we were doing a really good job on this.

    Maybe it was a reality check. Maybe we do suck at this parenting thing. Maybe we need to work a little harder.

    But what I think really bothers me is that I didn’t do my job correctly, and she might have to suffer for that. I know it’s just a little cavity… It still feels like I failed.

  • Ode to the Tooth Fairy

    When the wife and I decided that we wanted to start a family, and then when she found out she was pregnant, I started thinking of all the events and roles I would be taking on; How I would be killing spiders, and cleaning up spills, and doing laundry, and rocking the kid to sleep, wrapping gifts on Christmas Eve, and reading stories at bedtime. All the fun, and endearing tasks that I would have to do seemed exciting, and I couldn’t wait to get started.

    But as I thought of all of these cute fun fatherly roles I would take on; one never crossed my mind – Tooth Fairy. It’s a little funny that it never dawned on me, even when the kid was first cutting her teeth. But Tooth Fairy has become one of my favorite roles.

    I think what I like most about it is that it requires many different fatherly skills. First is the cheerleader role when the kid loses a tooth. Sometimes she needs a little encouragement to pull the tooth, but on the whole, it’s just matching her excitement of losing the it. Then comes the night and the tooth placed under the pillow. For that, I need my ninja skills of entering the room undetected, the calm hand of getting the tooth from under the pillow, and replacing it with a dollar. And on one occasion, I had to employ my acting skills, as the kid woke up, wondering why I was in her room. I played it off, saying that I thought I heard the Tooth Fairy, which did the trick. And then there is just that silly sweetness of the morning when the kid wakes up, excited that another moment of childhood magic has occurred.

    As in all things, even the Tooth Fairy has a limited life span, and I will enjoy the time I have.

  • Halfway Through Summer

    I know for some of you out there, you are in the final stretch of Summer, and I have even seen some of my friends back in Texas talk about their kids starting school in a week or two. But for us up here, we are at the half way point; only five weeks and a handful of days left before school starts up again.

    I’m not going to get into all the craziness of schools opening up, as I feel I will be writing about that the closer we get to that date.

    What I was struck by was how fast it is going, which is good, and that I need to start thinking about the planning that comes with school on the horizon. School supplies and clothes shopping, and I think we need to get a winter coat for the kid this year.

    Today, the kid and I are going to do what my mother did for me when I was little and on summer vacation, which is go to the library and check out books. This will be the kid’s first visit to our local library, and I hope there is a way for her to get her own library card. Going to the library was always something fun I remember doing with my parents, and I hope I can pass that love of being around books to the kid.

    Five weeks to go, and lets’ see what fun we can have.

  • The Kid’s First Time Being Homesick

    Our daughter has been visiting friends for the past few days. She has been looking forward to this trip for months! She was getting to travel, be in a house that had a pool, hang out with other kids all day, and have a summer adventure.

    When we dropped off the kid, she couldn’t have given two craps that we were leaving. She was excited and laughing, and wanted to be away from us. There was a little sting with her being so blasé with our exit, but on a more important level, I was happy that she wasn’t having any separation issues. We FaceTimed each night, and she was bubbling over telling us all about the fun she was having, but the call always ended with her telling us that she loved us and missed us.

    Last night on our call, the kid was talking all about the fun they had, and then she got quite, and started to silently sob little tears. Oh, our hearts just broke. “I want to see you, here,” she cried, “I miss you.” We tried to console her, letting her know that we would all be together soon, and how much we loved her.

    This is also normal. This is the longest we have all been apart, and it’s especially hard on her. I also feel very helpless as all can do is try and comfort her through a computer screen. When what we all want is a big long silly hug.

    I remember that feeling of being away from your parents and never really knowing when you will see them again. When I was her age, I remember being upset, and my aunt called my mother so I could talk to her on the phone. My Ma would calm me down and tell me that she loved me and that we would all be together again, very soon. And it would help. But that lonely missing feeling never really went away in me; it was in the back of my head making butterflies in my stomach.

    I do hope my little girl is having fun today, and not missing us too bad. Though I expect that the next hug I get from her will be pretty tight and a little long.