Tag: #MentalHealth

  • Yup, Triggered Myself

    I got to thinking about money, and then working on the family budget, and
    that triggered me.

    I would like to think that I am good with money, but I see that the majority
    of my life I have been in debt, so I think I need to own up that I am not good
    with money. And it makes me really frustrated as I am not a dumb guy, but money
    is not my strong suit.

    With the Holidays coming, we needed to make sure that we can cover all of
    our expenses, and at the same time keep paying down our debt.

    And then it all started feeling so futile. No matter how hard we try, we
    never seem to get ahead of our debt. Even if I was in a position to go out and
    get a fulltime job, I have this dark cloud of a negative thought that keeps
    yelling at me that it wouldn’t matter. Something keeps popping up that pulls us
    back down. Sinking down, getting further and further away from our goals.

    I need to take a breath.

    Remind myself what our goals are.

    Nothing is easy, especially something worth doing.

    I guess what triggers me about this is that I feel like I should know
    better. That I should be learning from my mistakes.

    I might also need to be more aware of what my triggers are, and how to deal
    with them.

    I think I need to go take a walk.

  • Simone Biles: Some Thoughts

    Simone Biles has got everyone talking. It’s been awhile, maybe the Trump days, since I have seen one person light up the internet with all kinds of opinions.

    For the record, Simone Biles doesn’t owe anyone anything. If she wanted to pull out of the Olympics seconds before she took the mat, that is her business. Personally, I don’t think she had to share her reasoning with the world, but being that she did, I think it is spurring a good conversation about stress, pressure, and mental wellbeing. The other thing that makes me feel better about this story is that it seems like the overwhelming majority of people are supporting her; athletes to fans. The only people I see getting mad at her are conservative white men.

    And then I had another thought this morning; what if Simone Biles doesn’t like gymnastics anymore? She is the gymnastics GOAT, but what if she just does like the sport? After everything that has happened to the USA gymnastics world, I could see her, and in fact all women gymnasts, say that they are done with it. Just because you are good at something, even the best, doesn’t mean you love it, or even like it.

    In high school, I knew a lot of guys who played football, and were really good at it, but they were only playing so they could get into college. They didn’t really give two shits about the sport, other than it was a “job” that would get them to a better life, by getting a degree. So, for that reason, they worked hard at it, but they didn’t love it.

    In our house, Simone Biles will still be a hero. It’s cool to work hard and be the best at what you do, but she is also showing that being mentally healthy is worth fighting for as well.

  • Trouble Sleeping, Some Anxiety

    I have been having trouble sleeping of late. The other night was pretty bad. It took a while for me to get tired, and then when I did go to bed, I couldn’t stay asleep. It felt like I was waking up every thirty minutes or so. The thought that kept replaying in my head was that I wouldn’t be able to get a job when everything gets better, because I will need to get a job. We can get by on one income, but we can’t get ahead unless I bring in some money.

    I keep thinking that I am not going to get a job because I’m too old. And I kept thinking that I am not going to get a job, because I don’t have any useful skills. And I kept feeling worse and worse about myself. It created a downward spiral of negative thought, that I just couldn’t shake.

    And then I went to a very dark place. It wasn’t so much a specific memory, but more of recalling a deep emotional feeling. I started to relive the emotions of the time period when my mother was dying, and the complete lack of sympathy I received from my co-workers. (To make this quick, the place that I worked wanted me to quit to save money, so two co-workers took it upon themselves to bully and harass me so that I would leave. And yes, I did go to HR and they said there was nothing they could do.) It was difficult to deal with the emotions of losing my mother, while also having to survive eight hours of isolation and intimidation. It was a one-two punch that was miserable, and depressingly lonely. I am very fortunate that I have my wife, family, and friends, as without them, I don’t think I would have survived that period.

    I like to think of myself as a mentally well-adjusted and fit person. That was an awful period of time, but I did come out on the other side with a better relationship with my wife, and father, and family, and friends. And all of that was due to talking about it, and sharing, and making ourselves vulnerable which allowed healing. It’s still a work in progress, as there are bad days, like the other night. But… I know it will get better.

  • Covid Guilt: I’m Doing What I Can

    I’m ran the kid through her reading drills, and now she is in her remote class, working on writing words and sentences.

    I guess this is now normal for her. I wonder what she will remember about all of this? At what age will she look back and say, this was a completely messed up time to be alive? I can hear her wonder aloud one day, “How did three people stuck in a tiny apartment in Upper Manhattan survive this? How did we not all go insane?”

    I don’t know the answer to that. I’m not sure if I will ever understand how to answer that.

    The other night the wife asked me if I had an exercise plan. My answer is that I’m not planning on working out until the kid gets back into school, and I’m not going to feel bad about that. I am the primary care giver for the kid; parent, teacher, partner in crime in playing around the apartment. It takes up just about all of my time. To carve out an hour a day, three to four times a week, is just about impossible. And I’m tired of beating myself up over it. I’m putting the kid’s wellbeing first, and that’s good enough.

    None of this is normal, but I keep fooling myself that I should be able to get it all done. Some days I can do it all, but most days I can’t. Just making it to tomorrow, happy and health is a victory.

  • Ghost of Kilgore Trout

    If you know who Kilgore Trout is, then you are someone who has read Vonnegut. If you have read Vonnegut, then you most likely love him, because he’s the type of writer you either love or hate; not many in the middle.

    I always felt that Kilgore was created as a character to reflect how Vonnegut felt about himself as a writer, and the fear most writers have. Thus by creating this embodiment, the fear becomes knowable, and therefore manageable.

    If you don’t remember, the Kilgore Trout character was a great writer who could only get published in the worst magazines published. This lack of publication status causes Trout to doubt his abilities as a writer, and lose his grip on reality.

    I think Vonnegut touches on a very interesting modern anxiety; achieving your dream, but you still don’t get the validation you seek.

    I think about Kilgore Trout often.