Tag: Loss

  • Happy, Yet Not Secure

    The other day, I was trying to explain to my wife how I feel most days, which is happy but completely insecure. And this, is a vast improvement over the last couple of years.

    The insecurity is not whole heartedly an emotional insecurity. It’s a financial and general safety insecurity. When I have written about our financial situation, I have always tried to be as honest as possible without betraying any personal information – and the honest assessment of our financial situation is that we are in debt. The debt (credit cards, car loans, and student loans) is manageable, but also just large enough to delay us from making sound investments in our future. Though we have made progress, it does feel like this debt will never be overcome, and because of that, the feeling of a disaster being around the corner is always with me. A disaster that will ruin us, or set us back for years. This is the feeling of insecurity that I have daily.

    But I can honestly say that this is the happiest I have been in a very long time. It’s been a little over five years since my mom’s passing, but it still feels recent. It’s difficult losing your mother, and I did have an especially close relationship with mine, and with her gone, everything felt sad. No matter what I did, or my wife did, or the kid did, there was the tinge of sadness always right at the edge of everything. It’s taken awhile, but the joy has started to return, and it’s fully based in an appreciation of the love that is around me. For that, I am grateful that I do have friends and a family to share with.

    Yet, I am left with this dualism in my life; there is so much love and joy, but also I can’t shake the feeling that I have sand underneath my feet. At best I can say that these feelings exist in a balance; nether one is stronger than the other. And the truth is that I often have to force myself to appreciate the joy and love that is around me.

    I believe that being happy is a choice. But security? Do I have to earn that?

  • The Ebbs and Flow of Christmas Time (Unedited)

    Christmas time is here again, just in case you didn’t know.

     

    The year has flown by. The tree is up, and we are getting ready to start doing all of the Holiday stuff. You know, shopping, wrapping gift, baking cookies, seeing friends. The usual. And I do enjoy celebrating Christmas in New York City. For all the things this City is famous for, it really is a Holiday Town.

     

    It’s taken awhile for Christmas to start feeling fun again for me after the passing of my Ma. The absence of a parent during this time of year seems to hammer home the void that has been left. I think I have been doing a good job with trying to keep Christmas fun for the kid, and I do worry that my sorrow and mourning might affect her enjoyment of the Season. I think I have succeeded in this effort.

     

    I can also admit that slowly, year by year, the joy of Christmas has started to slowly return to me. It’s still not the same, and certain things, traditions, still don’t ring true as they used to. But now, I feel the kid’s excitement of this time of year, and that is a replenishing feeling that helps alleviate the experience of loss.

     

    And that is where I am now. I miss my mother, and I know that my Christmas will never feel the way they did when she was around, and that’s okay. My Christmas now is about my family, and making the kid have memories, and building something new on top of the love that was shared with me.

  • Personal Review: Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny

    (You better believe there will be SPOLIERS!)

    Let me just start with this; I consider Raiders of the Lost Ark to be the greatest action movie, and I dare say that it is also one of the best movies ever. I could go on and on about how Raiders changed the notion of what an action movie could be, how it’s Harrison Ford’s best performance, and the music is iconic!

    I have done my best not to be a “fanboy” when it comes to all things Indiana Jones, and just let be what it is. I came to terms years ago that nothing will ever match that feeling I had watching Raiders for the first time – the excitement, awe, gasps, and that strange feeling of not knowing where the story was going to go next. I will never get “that” feeling back, and that’s okay. I can still have fun with the other movies in the series.

    But I still went into Dial of Destiny with a well of anxious feelings in the pit of my stomach. Not for me, but for Harrison Ford – he said this was the last Indy film, and I just wanted it to have the conclusion that both he and the character deserve. And I wanted the de-aging CGI to not look all fake.

    And for what Dial of Destiny was, I enjoyed. It was not an Indiana Jones movie in the model of Raiders, Temple, or Crusade. No, what Destiny reminded me of was the “Indiana Jones: Find Your Fate” book series from Ballentine Books which came out in the late 1980’s. Yes, they were a knock off of the “Choose Your Own Adventure” book series, but for this kid, they were an easy continuation of Indy adventures, which kept the morality simple, with this version of Indy always being the good guy looking to keep treasures out of the wrong hands, and hopefully, back into a museum. The stories took place all over the world, Indy always had a “friend” in whatever location who could help out, and there was a very simplified history lesson thrown in for good measure. At least, that’s what I remember, and that’s what Destiny felt like.

    Except in Destiny, after kicking some Nazi ass in the intro sequence, Indy is about to get divorced, retiring from teaching at Hunter College in Manhattan, and acts like a man who has given up. You gotta start low if you need your hero to surmount something. This set up was veering into the world of tropes, as I think this is how Die Hard with a Vengeance starts. After this shaky beginning with older Indy, some life gets injected into the movie when Phoebe Waller-Bridge shows up. She can handle the action and has a gift for delivering the quippy lines.

    And thus, we have our set up, which brings me to why Destiny felt like the “Find Your Fate” books, and that’s not a complaint. The action is split between Indy and this new character, Waller-Bridge, which in the books would have been you, the reader. We jet and sail around the Mediterranean, meet Indy’s friends who always die, and we get a nice history lesson about the Siege of Syracuse and Archimedes. It felt familiar without being fan service.

    What this movie got right was not treating Indy’s age as a joke, or a running gag, or just ignoring it like I think lesser talented writers would do. Destiny had a theme that it stuck to, which was the fear that life has passed you by, the best days are behind you, and there is no where left to go. I know some people will think killing Mutt off was a bit of fan service, but I disagree. That’s a death that would deeply wound, and break a parent, and Indy’s inability to open up about that loss was played very well by Ford. This Indy has serious regrets, and those regrets create an understandable motivation. When Indy and Marion reconcile at the end (and Karen Allen was disgracefully underused in this movie) we can see that these are two people who are hurt and need each other, but have to grow together in dealing with their grief. It is a much more serious ending than I was expecting, but for the totality of the series, Indy needed to not end as a tragic hero that always misses out on getting the treasure; he needed to get the girl and understand his place in the world.

    So, where does Destiny place in the cannon? Here’s my list:

    1. Raider of the Lost Ark
    2. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
    3. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
    4. Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny

    5. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

  • Short Story Review: “Wednesday’s Child” by Yiyun Li

    (The short story “Wednesday’s Child” by Yiyun Li appeared in the January 23rd, 2023 issue of The New Yorker.)

    (I will SPOIL this story.)

    Illustration by Camille Deschiens

    I sometimes need to be reminded that grief is an individual experience. Not only does each person grieve differently, but the grief one feels is also specific to the person who is lost. This is what I think was the point to “Wednesday’s Child” by Yiyun Li, and I have to stress the word think as this story, though it pings some fine authentic truths, ultimately is an uneven exercise.

    This story is about Rosalie, a middle-aged woman who is traveling by train from Amsterdam to Brussels. The train is delayed due to a person having walked onto the tracks, and it so happens that Rosalie’s fifteen-year daughter had committed suicide by laying down on a set of train tracks years earlier. We also learn that Rosalie’s unloving and harsh mother has recently passed away, and this trip to Europe is an act of dealing with Rosalie’s grief. As Rosalie contemplates the life she had with her daughter, a pregnant woman on the train goes into labor, which Rosalie goes to help before the train stops and EMT’s arrive.

    I’m a sucker for a slow, contemplative piece that examines the nature of grief and what we choose to remember and obsess over, as if we could make changes to past events. This is what Rosalie does in the story, and that is when I found the writing to be the most honest. Yet, I had a few issues which stuck up, and caused me to be pulled out of this reality. First was the climax of the piece, which was the pregnant woman going into labor. And of course the woman was going to go into labor because the second the woman walks in the train, you knew she was going to go into labor. The use of this cliché is completely jarring to the quiet, introspective nature of the story. It feels more like a climax was forced in, rather than being organic with the piece. Second was the flatness of Rosalie’s mother, who just plays a single note of awfulness. There is no dimension to this character who, like the climax, seems to exist only to say awful things to thus move Rosalie’s character development forward. Rosalie wrestles with why her daughter killed herself, which is a question that can never fully be answered and is wrapped up fully in her grief. But Rosalie never questions or wonders why her mother was such an awful person to her. I found that difficult to accept as Rosalie’s character questions everything else that happens.

    It’s too bad, because there are some finely written parts of this story that work very well. Grief and loss are never easy to deal with, let alone define and explain to another person. “Wednesday’s Child” gets very close to hitting the mark, but unfortunately, stumbles and falls a little short.

  • The Reason Why I Am Edgy This Week

    I had mentioned in my post on Friday that my family and I were going out this weekend for some apple picking, and I had joked about how silly the act of picking apples was, but deep down I really enjoy doing it. The place we went was Apple Dave’s Orchards in Warwick, NY, and we’ve gone there for several years and have always had a really enjoyable time. I recommend you head out there, and get the apple cider donuts while you’re at it.

    And after the apple picking, we ran a few errands in New Jersey before we headed home to Harlem. While we were running these errands, I felt myself getting edgy. I didn’t have an outbursts, or get mad at anyone, but I could feel this slight level of annoyance building in me. I know myself well enough to know that I needed to remind myself to relax, and not take anything serious.

    But for the rest of the weekend, this feeling of frustration never left me. It was also a feeling of stress and anxiety. My shoulders ached. I got a canker sore in my mouth. I had trouble sleeping. I was feeling like I was falling apart, but I could think why? I’m having the normal stresses in life, such as nothing has changed recently. We are plugging away, trying to get ahead like we have been trying for the past two years. Life’s normal.

    As I was taking our laundry to the laundromat this morning, I started thinking about my weekend, and how I might want to write a blog about apple picking. I took some pictures of our apple adventure on Saturday, and thought I might want to use them in the blog, which reminded me of the first time we went out to Dave’s Orchards with my parents, who had come to visit us in the fall of 2017. And the reason we go back to Dave’s every year because it is a place that we have fond memories with my mother, who passed away four years ago on October 14th.

    And then I knew.

    I had forgotten about the anniversary of my mother’s death. Well… consciously I had, but not sub-consciously.

    I know that my mother is dead. It’s not like I forgot that. I am at the point now that I can talk about my mother without an issue. I can even talk about her death and the awfulness of losing her. What does get to me is thinking about the things Ma isn’t here for; birthdays, holidays, and a simple phone call. It breaks my heart not being able to share things with her. Whether she wanted it or not, I did talk a lot to her.

    It will be a tough week, and I’ll be subdued while just feeling sad. It’s not like I won’t be able to function this week, or that I will be angry or something. What it’s like is having a blanket of melancholy around me, and all events will be filter through that feeling. And that will be manageable.

    I just miss my mom, still. That’s all.

    (Hey. Thanks for taking a second to read this. If you could, please take a moment to give a like, share, or comment, and follows are always welcomed.)