Tag: #Kids

  • Having a Family

    I didn’t always want to be a parent. At first, it felt like something that I had to do, or was inventible. And then when I went away to college, I started to think that being a parent wasn’t for me. The fact that I wanted to go into the arts made me feel like I couldn’t be counted on to provide. And then I met my wife, who was open with me, that one day she would want to be a mother. Not that it had to be with me, or that we had to agree on it right now, but it was important to her. I did come around to wanting to become a father, and a parent with her. Not that it didn’t scare the shit out of me, and still does, but the change was that I wanted to do it, even though it was scary.

    I think there is a big difference in wanting to do something and it scares you, and that thing scares me and I don’t want to do it.

    That is also why I am completely understanding people who don’t want to have kids for that reason; I don’t want to do it. If you have taken the time to search your soul, and that is the answer you came up with, Great! And if you have never spent any time thinking about it, and that is also you’re conclusion, Super Great!

    Because we all know the horrible truth of this world; there are people out there who should not be parents, or they became parents for the wrong reasons. And in those situations, the kids are the ones who sufferer, and for no fault of their own.

    Yes, I know there are people out there that learned to love being a parent, but that’s an awful gamble with a kid’s wellbeing.

    I say all of this because, it was a hard-parenting weekend with my daughter. Arguments, and tears, and misunderstandings, and some pretty selfish behavior. It was not fun. What it was, was a whole lotta work. And come this morning, I was tired, and sore for some reason.

    But then, I walked the kid to school, and she asked me if we could play Legos this afternoon, and listen to music.

    And not that it made up for the difficult weekend, but it reminded me of why I wanted to be a parent. Even though it is scary as shit.

  • Sunday Night Blues

    There are many milestones that we have hit in my young daughter’s life. The vast majority of them are fun and exciting, like Christmas morning, or learning to read.

    And then there was last night, Sunday night, where the kid got very cranky and withdrawn, which is not like her. The wife and I both took turns trying to get out of her, what the problem was. Finally she admitted that she hates Sunday Night’s because the weekend if over.

    Ahhh… The Sunday Night Blues; when one gets the sinking feeling in their stomach that the fun of the weekend is over and they have to return to work/school.

    I was a little surprised because the kid loves school. One of the side effects of the pandemic in our household has been a very strong desire of our daughter to be in a school, surrounded by kids, teachers, and the ability to learn. So, to hear her express her own version of the Sunday Blues was a little sad for me. But I also know it was inevitable.

    I hated Sunday nights for a very long time. I remember being little, eating Sunday dinner, and then watching 60 Minutes, and Murder, She Wrote, and that feeling slowly creeping over me that the good times of the weekend were coming to an end. That I would have to go back to school, and deal with fractions, and remainders, and bullies, and girls, and bus rides and all of that stuff that worried me as a kid. Even as an adult, I would still try and stay up as late as possible on Sunday night, avoiding going to bed, knowing it was a fruitless exercise, that I would still have to sit through passive aggressive staff meetings the next day.

    Sunday nights are still a little weird for me in this new reality. I may not have to go to an office full of assholes, which is clearly a plus, but there is a routine of the week which starts over again, and I have responsibilities to keep. But I don’t dread Monday. Dreading the next day is the worst.

    Now that this milestone has arisen for my daughter, I now wish it would have been kept at bay for a while longer. It’s normal to be a little sad when the fun comes to an end. I just hope I can help the kid to keep looking forward to tomorrow.

  • Feeling Better

    I’m feeling better today. I was able to sleep last night, so I have to admit that all of the everything that was balled up in (the anxiety, short temper, loss of interest) was completely based on the impending surgery.

    And the surgery did go well. The kid was home before lunch, and she was feisty as ever. Her eye is bloodshot, and it does itch, which drives her insane as she can’t touch it, which is the only thing she wants to do. The other funny thing was that she refused to take a nap even though she was completely exhausted. (She gets that from me.) But when she went to bed, she crashed out, lost to the world. Until 6am, when she woke us up. Yeah…

    I am the caregiver today. The wife has meetings and is in the office with the door shut, while the kid and I are on the couch watching tv and movies. Well, I’m trying to read, and clearly, I am putting together a blog post. I know that I will need to make lunch and dinner later. Then, a doctor’s appointment to make sure that the kid’s eye is healing correctly. Somewhere in there, I think we’ll take a walk with the dog.

    And though I am feeling better today, I know that I’m still not back. I can feel my anxiety at the periphery of my vision. I’m still not sure what is the best path for me to take.

    What I do know is that right now, I need to be the best dad that I can be. There is a little copy of me on the couch trying to explain the plot of “Ghost Writer,” and that’s my focus for today.

  • ODDs and ENDS: Other Guy’s Parking Problems, Tom Brady, and Tired

    “ODDS and ENDS” is my continuing series of random thoughts and follow ups…

    I know I bitch about parking in the City often, and maybe I complain too much, but today I watched another guy flip out over parking. I mean, yelling and screaming. He lost his original spot because he refused to get out of the way of the sweeper, and when he did get out of the way, someone took his spot. Now, the guy who lost his spot was able to get a new one, because people, myself included, packed our cars pretty tight making a space for him. I thought this was one of those Magical New Yok moments where people from all walks of life work together to help someone out. But no… The guy, in his new spot, still bitched and moaned and yelled at all of us… Go, New York!

    I expected more from Tom Brady. I only got 21.98 points off him last night. Thanks a lot, GOAT.

    And I’m tired. I think I have been saying this I was 16, and when I think about it, 16-year-old me really wasn’t tired, I just enjoyed naps. I don’t remember when the last time was when I didn’t feel tired. And I started thinking that it has gone on for so long that there is no way to catch up and not feel tired. Like, there is no amount of sleep, or meditation, or relaxation that will exorcize this feeling from me. And I thought I was tired before I had a kid.

  • School’s Back, For-Ever!

    The first thing that took me by surprise this morning was the amount of people on the streets. I went to walk the dog early, 7:30am, and I was taken aback by everyone being out. It almost felt like the New York of old, before the pandemic. I mean, I know why. Today is the first day of school, and for many companies, the first day back in the office.

    But the big deal is school being back, and in person. The kid could barely sleep last night, and she was up at the crack of dawn, and ready to go. She had been counting down the days for the past two weeks, and I would say that this first day of school was close to as exciting as Christmas morning.

    Last night, we let her pick out the clothes she wanted to ware today. We took time packing all of her school supplies, and taking pictures. It was starting to feel very real for us as well. Soon, she will be out of the house, and back with kids, learning and having all the adventures that come with a school day.

    I won’t lie, things did not go smoothly getting into the school, and getting settled in the classroom. BUT! I didn’t expect it to go swimmingly on the first day. I don’t even expect that it will go well for the first week even. Tomorrow will be better, and the day after that will be a little better as well. No one has done this for a year and a half, so let’s all cut each other some slack.

    Because, the kids are back in school. And that’s a win.