Tag: Growing Up

  • Parenting: Dealing with Disappointment

    I had mentioned back on Friday that my daughter didn’t get into the free After-School program at her school. We broke the news to her over the weekend to allow her time to process the development, and talk it out. On the whole, she said that she was okay with it. What she wanted was to spend more time with her friends at the playground and with me.

    That sounded sweet, but I had my suspicions.

    Sadly, I was correct on Monday. Drop off in morning at school was fine. I reminded her that I would be back when school let out, and that we could go to the playground if she wanted. Again, she said that was what she wanted to do. When I came back to pick her up, I could see in her eyes that it was beginning to dawn on her that virtually all of her friends, save two, got into the After-School program. We did go to the playground, and she played with her two good friends, but I knew, I mean I could feel it, that she was having the feelings of being left out and rejected. After about forty-five minutes of half-assed, her heart wasn’t into it, playing, she asked me if we could go home.

    At home, we all talked about what she was feeling, and how it hurts. We also talked about things we could do tomorrow to make after school more fun than today. When it was bedtime, she had bounced back, and was that silly goofy kid.

    When it was pick up time yesterday, she had that same gloomy face, and looking longingly at all her friends that are taking part in the After-School. When went to the playground again, but this time, her two friends weren’t there. Though there were a few kids from her class running around, she refused to play with them, because she only wanted to play with “her” friends.

    It was just breaking my heart to see her hurt in this way. I know that she originally didn’t want to do the After-School, and she really didn’t like it last year. I know it took a long time for me and the wife to convince her that we should apply for the program. I know all of this.

    And I don’t know how to fix this, and I also don’t know if I should. Disappointment is a part of life, and something that everyone has to learn to deal with. But I can’t shake the feeling that my job as her dad is to not let her suffer needlessly. Even if this is a small hiccup on the path of her life, right now to her, this is the biggest set back she’s faced. Asking her to put this in perspective is a futile act because she is too young to have a perspective. (And also, I hated when parents and teachers would tell me that what I was feeling wasn’t that big of a deal. It was a big deal to me, and that’s all that mattered.) In her life, and I know she has been very lucky so far, this is the most complicated emotional issue she has had; She wanted something, didn’t get it, and has to be reminded daily that she’s not included. She’s feeling disappointment, a little embarrassment, shame, loss, sadness, and the dreaded fear of missing out.

    I feel powerless to help her. I know we need to keep talking about her feelings, but my gut instinct is to take action – do something to better the situation. Other after school activities cost money, which we are in short supply of, so I think I’m going to have to be a little creative. Maybe we come up with a library day once a week, or visit museums? Maybe we go and volunteer at local arts organizations? Maybe we do art projects at home? Maybe I put her to work painting the apartment?

    I think the lesson I need to teach her, and reinforce in myself, is that getting disappointed is something that is inevitable and sometimes out of our control. How we deal with that disappointment is what we can control. Taking those feelings of disappointment and channeling them into something positive might be the best way to handle this situation.

    I hate seeing the kid upset, though. That one stings.

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  • Putting the Kid to Work

    I’m putting the kid to work today. We are going to paint baseboards. See, I was able to paint everything in the kid’s room; purple walls with white doorways and the windows. The only thing I wasn’t able to get to were the baseboards. Hence why I’m putting the kid to work. Also, I would like her to take a little ownership of her space, as well. You know, make her feel that the room belongs to her. But I also know that it’s just fun to play with paint.

    And the Summer is winding down. There is only three weeks left to the kid’s Summer vacation, and I am sure this won’t be the last time I will say this, but the Summer has gone by really fast. This week, we’ll do our back to school shopping, and next week we have our meet and greet with the kid’s new teacher. Then Labor Day, and the school starts.

    And the cycle starts all over again.

    Which means it virtually Christmas, right?

    What I am trying to remind myself is that I have limited, one on one time with the kid. She’s getting older, becoming her own person, and won’t want to be around me forever. As she grows, our relationship will change, has already changed actually, and that’s something I need to get used to.

    I can see why some parents never want their kids to get older, or change. (Just stay small and innocent, you know.) I like the fact that she’s getting feisty and opinioned. This sword cuts both way as wanting her to be her own person means that she will have to pull away from me. This isn’t a new story in the world, but it is one that I am experiencing for the first time.

    But for today, we’ll paint baseboards together. And I have a feeling that she will make me listen to The Descendants soundtrack, again.

    (Oh Yeah! If you read this, clearly you have, and if it struck you as entertaining, then if you could be a pal and leave a like, or a comment, or share it to the furthest reaches of the UNIVERSE!)

  • After Effects of a Vacation

    I read an article yesterday that most people are happier leading up to their vacation, than actually on their vacation. I took a second to think about that, and I knew that this was true. Yes, the best part of a vacation is counting down the days. Once you get where you are going, then everything goes sideways.

    This year, we talked to kid about this. How, the one of the best parts of being on vacation is when things do go wrong, because that is when you make new discoveries. I know that isn’t 100% true, but I wanted to plant the idea in her head that when things go wrong, it becomes an opportunity to try new and different things. I think it sort of worked. There wasn’t too much complaining, but the trade-off was that she wanted to spend a large amount of time on the family iPad.

    Oh well…

    But we did experience something new with the kid this year when we came home from vacation; she was a little depressed. The kid is seven now, and not little anymore, both physically and emotionally. We all have known that feeling of coming home from a vacation; if you had a good time, then there is that feeling of letdown; a little sadness of having to come home and go back to the old routine. That’s normal.

    This year was the first time that the kid experienced that. And she didn’t know what to do with these feelings. She was sad, sullen, and even had a little bit of a breakdown, and cried in her room for a bit. The wife and I talked, and made sure that we were on the same page on how to deal with this. The most important thing was not to make her feel ashamed for feeling sad. We let her tell us in her own way what was wrong, and let her just experience feeling bad. Then when she calmed down, we started talking about the fun we had, the memories we created, and what we should do with the rest of our summer.

    I know we can’t stop her from feeling bad, or sad, or experiencing emotions that are hard to put your finger on. But we can help her understand that having strong feelings is normal, and can be a good thing. And that there are constructive ways of dealing with them.