Tag: #Goals

  • Trouble Getting in Gear

    The third of January was the day I was going to get my life started on the right foot. Also, I thought God needed more laughter in his day. Either way, I had spent part of my Christmas vacation thinking about my daily schedule, what I wanted to get accomplished, and being healthy and shit. You know, like most people do at the end of the year. I talked to the wife about it, as some of this would affect her as well, and I have come up with a system that will work.

    First of all, I needed to set out my goals, again, no real surprise there. I want to write more, eat better, sleep better, more active role in the kid’s education, and… yeah, I think that’s it. Really, it’s like rolling goals.

    Anyway, I set out a schedule, and if you know me, again, no surprises here. I made time for chores, and the gym, and writing. Working with the kid, making dinner, and you get the point. I over scheduled myself, and I’m okay with that. As of this moment, I haven’t worked on any fiction though that will be remedied today, and I haven’t been to the gym, but that’s a Friday thing. So, all is going to plan.

    With the exception of this blog. Other than the little New Year’s post, I haven’t created anything for this platform. I have some stories I could review, and God knows I have enough silly opinions I can’t wait to share, but I found myself lacking the motivation to post. I am posting today, so it’s not like I am in a debilitating situation. Just… not feeling it.

    I might be maligned due to the ending of a vacation, or could ramming your head into a wall constantly for two years have an adverse effect on determination? Maybe more changes are needed?

    Maybe I just need to get to work.

  • Feeling Off Today (Unedited)

    The day feels off. In fact, it felt a little off right before I went to bed.  Then in the middle of the night, the kid woke me up, which was right after midnight, so it was like the day did in fact start with an issue. I think the kid needed to blow her nose. That was the problem I was tasked with solving. Which I did, and then put her back to sleep.

    And since then, it’s really been off.

    I got back to sleep but never really fell into a deep sleep; I was always aware that I was just barely asleep.

    So, this morning has felt off. And I have felt frustrated.

    I rewrote my cover letter for submitting, but I haven’t been able to shake the nagging voice which keeps telling me that this is a big waste of time, and nothing will come of it.

    And as I was researching literary, again the thought of failure keep coming at me. That, again this is a futile exercise. That I don’t know enough. That I don’t belong. That That That…

    It’s exhausting constantly fighting with myself.

    I know being tired doesn’t help, but I think I need to admit that I am a little afraid too. I’m afraid to fail. I’m also afraid to be laughed at. I’m afraid too because I have nowhere to hide. In theatre, I had a character or a puppet to hide behind. With my stories, it’s all me, and that’s putting the fear in me. I feel exposed.

    But, I don’t like feeling worthless either. Not having a goal, something to work towards, is a pretty awful feeling as well.

    Gotta push through it.

  • Ideas for 2022

    I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions. Mainly because, they always fail.

    I, on the other hand, try out new ideas to see if they stick.

    As you can see, two totally different things.

    This first thing I will try out is not drinking. Not total sobriety, but taking a break. It comes down to two things; health and finances. On the health front; I am twenty pounds overweight. I have the middle age man belly, which isn’t really surprising, as I am middle aged. The alcohol isn’t helping with the gut, and I think it’s adding to my depression as well. I don’t feel as positive of a person as I used to be. I don’t think I have a problem with drinking, but I feel like if I don’t start making steps to take my health seriously, that I could have a problem. The other thing is financial. Not that the wife and I are spending a huge amount of money on alcohol, but looking at our year-end review, we spent, on average, $100 a month. I think we can say that we know of a better ways to use that money.

    The next thing is that I will, oh god, start going to a gym for 30 minutes at a time. You might have heard that I am about twenty pounds overweight. Though I would like to say that it was all alcohol and sugary drink’s fault, it’s also inactivity’s fault. Yes, we were hiking most weekends this summer and fall, but one day every two weeks just isn’t enough. (We will pick up hiking again in the Spring.) It’s also the mental health benefits that comes with exercise that I am missing. In the past year, I have been harder on myself than usual. I know everyone has that nagging self-sabotage voice in their head, but most people work through it. For me, this past year, it has been harder and tougher for me to forgive myself, or even have the energy to follow through on a project. That’s not who I am. I was the guy who followed through and got shit done.

    And the last thing is that I have to admit that I didn’t meet my writing goals for the last four month, and in essence, for the year. I did okay, but I didn’t make the goal. I wanted to have three short stories completed by the end of the year. I got two finished, and I think they are in good enough shape to submit, but I wanted to have three. Now, I know full well there is nothing stopping me from submitting the two, but, you know, I didn’t complete what I set out to do. I have maintained the blog, though my viewers have dropped by half. So, instead of four people viewing daily, I now only have two. (And I think I know who those two people are. Hey, guys.) Maybe I do need to spend the $100 and get away from the free WordPress site, or might just need to come to terms with the fact that a random blog about one guys thoughts isn’t that dynamic anymore. It’s not 1997 when confessional blogs were all the rage. Anyway, the blog still brings me a level of joy and feeling of accomplishment daily, so I think this will keep going. The other writing? I need to get back to the grindstone. I need to put in the work.

    And I need to read more!

  • Site Update, and What Am I Doing?

    After I posted the ODDS and ENDS blog on Friday, I decided that it was time to start monkeying around with the blog site. The old site was just the blog, and an ABOUT page. It was more basic than basic, and thinking back to when I originally started this blog, I wasn’t too concerned about how things looked. But, being that I am blogging twenty times a month now, and on some days have four views, I decided that I needed to step up my game. Hence, the new:

    matthewgroffblog.wordpress.com

    I have a Home page now, as well as an updated About page. There is a dedicated Blog page, which I will talk about more later. I created a page specific for The ALGOT Blogs, which are my most popular posts, and now the three-part story is in one location. (Also, Ikea discontinued the ALGOT line of products, in case you haven’t heard.) Last, there is the Archive page, so you know, you can read my progress as a blogger.

    And the Blog itself. I decided that it was time to drop the “250 Word” theme. I don’t think the four of you that were reading this were here because of the concise word format I chose to use. The original idea was to train myself to write effectively, while using the fewest words as possible. Not sure if I have attained that skill, but I have started to move away from the idea that I need only write 250 words.

    The last thought that I had, as I was finishing up the site on Sunday night, was should I bite the bullet and buy the domain, and stop using the free WordPress.com site? That question raised some other questions that I haven’t answered yet, but am still thinking about. Spending money on this site is like saying that I am taking it seriously now, so am I serious about this? I have been doing this for a year, going from one view to four views on average, so what do I hope to achieve with the purchase? I’m not setting the world on fire here, so what’s the point?

    The point? For me, I’m a stay at home parent now. I take care of my family, especially my daughter, and I need a creative outlet. I need something that I can work on, look forward to, that is for me. I need to do something that validates my existence in this very strange and odd world that I live in. So… Do I need to pay to attain that?

  • Looking for Writing Work

    I am down to the final three months before the kid is back in school, and I need to have a job. I will be honest, working from home would be ideal, but when push comes to shove, and if it’s a good job, then I will be willing to go where I am needed.

    The other thing is that I have been at the blog for 11 months now, and I do value the 4 of you, on average, who come by to check it out. It is a huge improvement over my daily average of .5 people when I started on July 20th. The goal was to write about what I was interested in, and try to craft it in a short, concise way, 250 words per post, that was entertaining, but also made a point. The fact that the blog grew, from 60 subscribers to 215 in less than a year, might not be earth shattering, but at least showed there was interest.

    The other goal was to work on the skills that would enable me to go forth and find employment as a writer. That one is all on me. I think my first desire was to be able to purchase a new computer from the earnings of writing, which is still an admirable objective. I would like to add if I could bring in about $500 a month, I would be over the moon happy.

    So, I stand at this crossroads. If I am serious that this is what I want to do, then I need to start putting in the work to make it happen, at least, more than I am doing right now.

    But, the lingering thought in the back of my head is, I have no idea how to get started… Who do I talk to? Do I need a resume? Writing samples? An introduction? What is the first step? I am here, but I want to get there… Just, how?