Tag: Funny

  • ODDS and ENDS: Real Spring, Writing in Cafes, and Teaching My Daughter Important Stuff

    (What you tryin’ to hand me…)

    Well, today felt like the first day of Real Spring. Not that fake Spring where it’s warm for like an hour or two, and then it goes back to being cold. No, Real Spring is when it’s cool in the morning, sunny sky, and you know that by afternoon you will need to take off your coat. Yeah, flowers are coming up, and a few buds are showing up on trees. I even saw a squirrel waving at people. I will be happy to have the windows open again, and there is something reassuring about sleeping with the windows open at night. The kid is excited because she says that she will be able to start wearing shorts again. (She equates Spring as a lower version of Summer, but who am I to burst that bubble…) Real Spring does mean that change is on the wind, and life is about to renew. It’s also when the wife and I switch from sipping bourbon to enjoying a gin and tonic after work.

    I have started writing in cafes and coffee shops again. I’m not a huge fan of it; the act boarders on the side of performative art. But I have to also admit that writing at home has become a difficult situation for me. Difficult because Mario Cart is so tempting, and sitting in the apartment reminds me of how many home improvement projects I haven’t finished. So, to the neighborhood cafe I go. Luckily, I am not alone when I work there. I have been arriving at the same time each day, but haven’t discovered any regulars. As far as I can tell, I think I am the only writer. Seems like everyone else is working on code. And they all seem younger than me.

    I am still trying to figure out this parenting thing. Most of the time, I do believe that I am doing a good job raising her, making sure she is prepared for the world that she will enter sooner than I would like. And I do drop the ball from time to time, and make mistakes. But, I have learned to own up to my mistakes, and apologize to her when I do fail. And then on other days, I make her sit and watch the MST3k episode of “Bride of the Monster,” because I want her to be funny. Or at least appreciate weird funny stuff. She seemed to have enjoyed it. I just need to wait and see if I hear her make Lobo jokes around her friends.

  • ODDS and ENDS: But I Thought It Was Funny, Spotify for the Win, and My Beard

    (I think I want to live the sporting life.)

    Okay, so maybe me and the wife drank a bottle of cheap white wine last night, and maybe we tried to do some online shopping while I was watching the Cowboy game. And maybe we found a semi inappropriate plush cat on Amazon. And maybe I did text out a picture of that plush cat to a friend who I thought would find it extremely hilarious. Look, when me and the wife saw that cat, we laugh/cried for like ten minutes. My friend didn’t find it as funny. Sure, they found it funny, just not that funny. It’s a giant plush cat, with giant plush balls! Just read the reviews! The people who bought this cat are also in awe that a cat of this form exists in the world. C’mon People!

    Seems like everyone is showing off their Spotify Wrapped year in review. I am surprised that my Wrapped does not contain The Beatles in my Top 5. They have always claimed a spot on the list, but not this year. I’m not sharing my list, that’s personal, but I will answer that Peach Pit was my big winner. And when this time of year comes around, I do have to tip my cap and admire the marketing team at Spotify for coming up with this little data stunt. I mean, you get everyone to humble-brag about what the listen to; it dominates the news cycle for a day or two because it’s a fluff story, but it always seems like we need a fluff story; most importantly, it’s easily shared on social media. Bravo, Spotify marketing team, bravo! I hope whomever came up with this idea got promoted and earned a cushy job teaching a class on online marketing at an Ivy League school.

    It’s that time of year when I grow a beard. For the record, my wife and kid hate that I do this, and what they object to is that my face, understandably, becomes course and scratchy. See, there is no logic to why I do this, but the last time I shaved was on Thanksgiving, and then I just grow a beard through New Year’s. Being that it’s a New Year, I’ll shave the beard, but leave a moustache. (And the wife and kid REALLY hate when I have a moustache.) Now, I’ll keep the moustache until the Super Bowl. Why? No reason. Just something to do. The point here is to be back to being clean shaven by Valentine’s Day, because I’m not stupid.

  • My Rejected “Mentions” Submission

    On August 31st, I had a flash of inspiration, and quickly jotted out the following four sentences:

    “As Donald Trump’s surrender in Georgia grew closer, many on social media started to joke that the former President might need to hire a bail bondsman.

    On the day of the arrest at the Fulton County Sheriff’s Office, to many people’s surprise, the former President had, in fact, secured Foster Bail Bonds, LLC of Lawrenceville, GA to execute the bond.

    This made CEO Charles Shaw the first person in American history to bail out a former President.

    Mr. Shaw, it is easy to say, might be the most famous bail bondsman in America right now, if you excuse Chico’s Bail Bonds support of the Bad News Bears.”

    I thought it was funny.

    But I wasn’t sure what to do with it. The first thought I had was to put it up on my blog, or maybe Twitter/X. Then I remembered that The Drift has a “Mentions” section, which consists of short humorous pieces, four sentences long. I quickly looked up the email address for submissions, and sent it off. Let me throw my luck into the wind and see what will happen! Odds are they would say no, but maybe today would be different.

    And then I reread the “Mentions” section, and it dawned on me that they are looking more for cultural observations, and not so much current events. Yeah… felt like I popped the bed on this one. I even posted a Tweet about it.

    This morning a received a response to my submission, and they did say no. I don’t disagree with that decision, and their form letter to me was rather pleasant for a rejection.

    As such, I now share this “mention” on my blog. If there is anyone out there who would like my four sentence humorous critiques about whatever pops into my head, my going rate is $25 per post, or best offer.