Tag: #FiveStagesofGrief

  • My Mother’s Birthday

    Today would have been my mother’s 74th birthday. This is the third of her birthdays that has arrived without her presence. The first was the worse, and last year wasn’t much better. And this year is 2020, so it’s just as awful as it could be.

    My mother’s death is wrapped around me, not tightly, but it is all over me. It is a blanket of sadness. There are moments when I get choked up, and I still cry occasionally about her death, button the whole, I can speak about it open, and honestly. I speak most often with my daughter about it. This was her first experience of death, and she does miss her grandmother. Talking does help, and talking about memories I have of my mother to my daughter, does make thing easier.

    But it is a sadness. A feeling that I could be happier, but that I just won’t ever be that happy again. I find joy and happiness with my family, and friends, and then at the end of the night, as I drift off, or hope to drift off to sleep, there is that little honest moment that I am reminded that I can’t talk to her.

    I also know that her death has put me in a depression, one that is with me, and will be with me for some time to come. I know it because the things that I used to enjoy before her death, just don’t bring me that joy anymore. I know the signs of depression. I have dealt with it many times before, and I have always come out on the other side, and better for it. I know that this will happen again, because I want to be in a good place again, and I also have great people in my life that I can lean on.

    Still, I do miss my mom.

  • Anger Stage of Grief, Again

    This is a tough week for me. Two years since my mom died, and I thought I was dealing well with it. The 14th was the actual day, and it went fine as death anniversaries go. The 13th on the other hand, and I wrote about it yesterday, was just anxious to no end, as I was dreading the 14th. Today has just been anger. Not that I’m lashing out at anyone, but I have been arguing with a troll online about Trump. It’s not making me feel better.

    Just angry at the world and I don’t have my mom to talk to about it. I feel like I need to be keeping it all together because the world is falling apart. But I feel like I’m failing at that job.

    I am very fortunate to have a great wife that I can talk to about all of this, and I do talk to her. But the anger still happens.

    What I am wanting is to channel these emotions into something productive. That seems like the healthy thing to do, but right now I don’t feel like I have the energy to even start that.

    It is a process and I know that I am still grieving. I have to forgive my anger and accept that I have these emotions, and all of that is normal and healthy.

    But at the end of the day, I still want to give her a call.