Tag: #FEAR

  • Feeling Off Today (Unedited)

    The day feels off. In fact, it felt a little off right before I went to bed.  Then in the middle of the night, the kid woke me up, which was right after midnight, so it was like the day did in fact start with an issue. I think the kid needed to blow her nose. That was the problem I was tasked with solving. Which I did, and then put her back to sleep.

    And since then, it’s really been off.

    I got back to sleep but never really fell into a deep sleep; I was always aware that I was just barely asleep.

    So, this morning has felt off. And I have felt frustrated.

    I rewrote my cover letter for submitting, but I haven’t been able to shake the nagging voice which keeps telling me that this is a big waste of time, and nothing will come of it.

    And as I was researching literary, again the thought of failure keep coming at me. That, again this is a futile exercise. That I don’t know enough. That I don’t belong. That That That…

    It’s exhausting constantly fighting with myself.

    I know being tired doesn’t help, but I think I need to admit that I am a little afraid too. I’m afraid to fail. I’m also afraid to be laughed at. I’m afraid too because I have nowhere to hide. In theatre, I had a character or a puppet to hide behind. With my stories, it’s all me, and that’s putting the fear in me. I feel exposed.

    But, I don’t like feeling worthless either. Not having a goal, something to work towards, is a pretty awful feeling as well.

    Gotta push through it.

  • Two Mass Shootings, Again

    Two mass shootings happened in the span of a week, and only now, for me, is it sinking in what has happened.

    I am not proud of this fact, but it felt normal.

    The poor guy in Boulder, CO standing outside of the grocery store saying that he feels like no place is safe pretty much sums it up. No place is safe, and we are all fine with it.

    Asian-Americans have been saying for over a year that they are being scapegoated for Covid-19, but did anyone listen? People had been pointing out for a year that the rhetoric that Trump and his supports were using was hurting Asian communities, but it was blown off. In fact, I saw a conservative friend ask why it was okay to “UK Variant,” but why couldn’t he say, “China Virus?”

    It doesn’t register for most people anymore. Even when it turns violent. Even when the inevitable AR-15 or whatever semi-automatic people killing gun is used, it doesn’t matter.

    Apathy has won.

    Most Americans see the hate, see the use of guns to kill large numbers, and they shrug because we have given up. There will be another racist attack. There will be another mass shooting. And we give up.

    We give up because it will turn into a debate about free speech and the 2nd Amendment.

    But it’s not about that. It’s about hate and fear. And are we going to do something? When will it be different? Or when will I blog about this same thing all over again?

  • First Time at the Dentist

    Yesterday was the kid’s first experience with going to see a dentist. I know for some people going to the dentist is not an enjoyable experience, and looking at the websites for pediatric dentists, almost all of them have a page dedicated to calming your child’s fears of going to the dentist for the first time.

    My kid saw Little Shop of Horrors, so she didn’t have the healthiest appreciation of the dental profession.

    But I was committed to making sure that the kid would have no issues with going to see the dentist for the first time. I found lots of videos online about kids going to the dentist where they explained the tools, and the procedures. We watched them together, and she very quickly associated that dentists are just like any other doctor, as they are there to help and make you feel better.

    And the pediatric dental office we went to was great! This is what they do, but they were really great at making the kid feel special, and explaining everything to her, so she wasn’t afraid. I could even feel my anxiety rise as the cleaning started, and the kid let the assistant start touching her teeth, but she was fine. It was all fine, and the kid even said that she found the dentist fun!

    I told her how proud I was of her. Then we got home to tell mom all about the dentist, and I added how proud I was of the kid. After dinner, I reminded the kid of how brave she was at the dentist, and that made me proud. As we brushed our teeth before bed, I reminded her how proud I was how she handled the dentist. And then when I tucked her in, she told me to stop telling her how proud I was of her.

    I was laying it on rather thick.

    And I had committed the sin of trying to over parent my child to compensate for my perceived failings in my life. I was a nervous, anxiety riddled child. I worried so much about things, that I often made myself sick to my stomach to where I couldn’t get out of bed. I wish I wasn’t the worry-wart little kid, as it created self-doubt and fear in me, and I have had to work hard as an adult to overcome it. I just wanted to make sure the kid isn’t afraid of things like I was.

    This might be one of those life lessons where as I parent I need to set the example, rather than over praise.

  • Waiting My Turn for the Vaccine

    Is vaccine anxiety a thing? I mean, having anxiety about not having received your shot yet. That’s a thing, or it should be a thing.

    I’m not talking about anxiety of receiving the shot, like “I’m scared of needles,” anxiety. Not that.

    I’m also not talking about anxiety if the shot is safe, or will cause some awful side effect, or even crazy conspiracy theories.

    Nope. I’m talking about the anxiety I’m having just waiting for my turn.

    I’m trying to have patience, or at least I was. Last night, the thought that with all the variants out there, including this new New York City variant, that waiting for my turn is starting to get dicey, maybe even dangerous.

    Fear. This is fear, so let me just be honest. The tiniest speck of fear danced into my head.

    And that fear started kicking at the door of reason, as fear started asking me, why are all of these people getting vaccinated who shouldn’t be getting vaccinated? Social media keeps showing me pictures of people who are younger than me, who are not teachers, or first responders or in the medical field, or essential workers, getting vaccinated. Do all of these people have underlining medical conditions?

    And that fear started clawing open my logical side of thinking by asking, Am I being naïve by waiting my turn? Is everyone out there cheating to get the vaccine, and am I going to be left out in the cold, only to get sick with one of these super variants?

    But then Reason and Logic did take back over. I am healthy. I take precautions, like wearing a mask, social distancing, washing hands, staying home. There are many people out there who do need the vaccine more than I do right now. Also, the faster that the groups in front of me get vaccinated, the sooner it will be my turn.

    I have to remind myself that Covid isn’t the only disease out there. Fear is just as contagious.

  • What Is Happening?

    It has been such a strange news week. All of it bad.

    I try to avoid writing about politics as it makes me angry and I feel like not a whole lot gets settled.

    But this week has started me rethinking that decision.

    First of all, the context of this week’s events was clearly framed by John McCain’s funeral. From The New Yorker calling it the “…Biggest Resistance Meeting Yet,” to W. Bush and Obama saying nice things about an adversary while sharing a pew together. (And the two couples did seem to be enjoying each other’s company.)

    Then we get Bob Woodward’s book, “FEAR,” which proposes that things are very bad in the Trump White House. Only to be followed by the anonymous New York Times Op-Ed that pretty much confirms Woodward’s book.

    I agree with most of the late-night comedians, nothing about Woodward’s book or the Op-Ed piece make me feel any better. Trump is surround ideologies encouraging his worst tendencies, and  cowards who have a way to save the Republic, the 25th Amendment, but won’t do anything other than secretly try to thwart their boss when he’s not looking.

    I can’t help but wonder, how will this end? It just keeps getting worse every week. I’m ready to vote in the Blue Wave, but even then, it would only be a check to Trump’s power. What I fear, but know is right, is that we have to get through two more years of this, because I want Trump removed in an election. I want the people of this country to say, “No more,” and elect another person.

    And that is a dangerous gamble. I have a bad feeling that Trump could find a way to win in 2020.

    It’s not that crazy of an idea, because none of us thought he’d win in 2016.