Tag: #Covid

  • Fixing Nightmares

    I’m just not feeling today. Part of it is that I didn’t sleep well last night, which was due to my mind not shut off. I was having a negative thought downward spiral, where I was listing everything that I was disappoint in about myself, as well as saying to myself over and over again that I will never succeed at anything I truly desire.

    Good times in the self-defeating department.

    And then at about 3 in the morning, the kid woke up from a bad dream, and wanted me to snuggle her back to sleep. That made things a little better. I didn’t ask her what the bad dream was about, as I have found that asking her to relive the nightmare sometimes makes things worse, as it just scares her all over again. What works better is to play a game of naming all the things that makes us happy. We go back and forth, I normally start, and we do this until she either feels better, or falls asleep.

    I start with an easy one;

    Me- Snuggles

    Her – My doll

    Me – Reading books

    Her – Drawing pictures

    Me – Pizza

    Her – Cheesy noodles

    Me – The dog

    Her – Friends at the park

    After a few back and forth’s, she is out. I hold on to her for a minute or two more just to make sure she’s asleep. Then I slow slink out of her room, with the job accomplished.

    Not that I got back to sleep right away, but I tried thinking about the things that keep me going, the goals I have. Generally, I keep it together, but there are those days when everything feels a million miles away, and nothing will change it.

    That is the Covid-isolation brain talking. I have been pretty much doing the same thing for a year now, and it just feels like nothing has changed. But feelings aren’t necessarily facts.

    I’m just tired.

  • Texas! Please Put a Mask On!

    I grew up in Texas, and I really don’t understand that state anymore. I think about how it was a good place to grow up, and I would describe the Texas of those years as a place that was common sense Democrat. Now, I can’t recognize any of that in Texas anymore.

    For me, it all started with the election of Ann Richards in 1990, what the Republicans did, and who they ran against her. First of all, if you want to know what Texas was like, study Ann Richards. She could take care of herself, and wasn’t afraid of a fight.

    In 1990, Richards won the Democrat nomination for Governor, and was running on a Texas moderate platform. The Republicans ran a campaign against her, stating a Richards win would be “Death to Families.” But the worst was that the Republicans ran an almost stereotype of a Texan named Clayton Williams who was a millionaire oil businessman who inherited much of it from his father. His campaign was basically that a businessman with no political experience was better for Texas, a platform with nothing other than cut taxes, and he was winning with that schtick. He would have won if he hadn’t made several huge gaffs. The big two were that he refused to shake hands with Richards, because she was a former alcoholic, and the second was he made a rape joke. Well, those were still the days of decency, and Williams dropped in the polls and Richards won. She had a successful term, but ended up losing reelection to George W. Bush in 1994.

    When I look back on the 1990 Texas election, it was the precursor, the warning, of what platformless conservatism will do to the state and the nation. Clayton Williams was the Pre-Trump; rich with no ideas, shooting from the hip, and remorseless for being offensive. Policy was only important if it conformed to this toxic-masculine ideal; logic and science be damned!

    That is what happened in Texas yesterday, with Abbott’s order to get back to normal. There is no science out there that supports his decision, but he keeps saying that he is “following the science.” People will die from this decision, ad for what? To keep the market open? To stop people from asking for help from the government?

    To my friends and family in Texas, please get your vaccine. Ware a mask. Stay socially distant. Listen to science.

  • Where’s My Covid Vaccine?

    Now, I know that you should never use social media to compare yourself, let alone use it as a gage of current news.

    But…

    It sure as hell seems that just about everyone I know is getting vaccinated. It stated to make me wonder if I am doing something wrong.

    Now, the truth of the matter is that a great number of my friends are in the teaching profession, so clearly, I’m seeing them, as a priority group, all getting their shot.

    So, I just went on the New York State Covid Vaccine page and tried to see if I am eligible. After answering a bunch of questions about what I do for a living, and asking if I face the public, I was informed that I am not eligible. Looking a little deeper, I see that healthy people in their early forties will be up for a vaccine around Summer.

    Five months. Me and the wife could have about five months to go. Wow, that’s, just a bit more time than I thought…

    Again, the logical part of me knows that NY state is only getting so much vaccine a week, and we are a big state, and I live in the biggest city, so it will take some time. I also know that the more people in front of me in line who get vaccinated, actually will help make everyone safer through herd immunity. I know all of that.

    But I am getting anxious, and that is based in fear of getting sick, and also I am getting worn down with being restricted at home. The fatigue is getting to me, and I feel like we are starting to see the beginning of the end of this thing.

    I just gotta stay patient.

  • Covid Guilt: I’m Doing What I Can

    I’m ran the kid through her reading drills, and now she is in her remote class, working on writing words and sentences.

    I guess this is now normal for her. I wonder what she will remember about all of this? At what age will she look back and say, this was a completely messed up time to be alive? I can hear her wonder aloud one day, “How did three people stuck in a tiny apartment in Upper Manhattan survive this? How did we not all go insane?”

    I don’t know the answer to that. I’m not sure if I will ever understand how to answer that.

    The other night the wife asked me if I had an exercise plan. My answer is that I’m not planning on working out until the kid gets back into school, and I’m not going to feel bad about that. I am the primary care giver for the kid; parent, teacher, partner in crime in playing around the apartment. It takes up just about all of my time. To carve out an hour a day, three to four times a week, is just about impossible. And I’m tired of beating myself up over it. I’m putting the kid’s wellbeing first, and that’s good enough.

    None of this is normal, but I keep fooling myself that I should be able to get it all done. Some days I can do it all, but most days I can’t. Just making it to tomorrow, happy and health is a victory.

  • Stay at Home Parent; Gotta Have Goals

    I have been doing the stay at home parent thing since June, which means that I have logged nearly nine months of this. Last night, the wife and I had a conversation about the next six months, and what that means for the kid’s schooling, home life, and our roles in it. The decision we made, even if the kid gets back into school full time, is that I will continue to be a stay at home parent, and not look for a job. Things may change in September, but for now, this will be my role for the family.

    I also know very well that planning in this pandemic is foolish, as there is a very high probability that what we are setting ourselves up for is disappointment. Hoping that the future will be better was the philosophical status quo a year ago, but now that thought seems fraught with disaster. I’m not ready to give up hope just yet, and I really don’t want to set that example for my daughter.

    My grandmother used to always say to us, “You gotta have goals.” I used to think that was something that people in retirement would say, to give their day purpose. Now I see that it is a mantra for mental survival. If you don’t have something to work towards, then it’s hard to get up in the morning.

    The wife will be the one who works, brings in our income, and provides our insurance. I will manage the home, the kid’s schooling, and all the other tasks in our daily life. That’s the deal. We will reexamine this situation when we hit June to make sure it still works for us.

    And there is one other thing; I need to stop calling this the “new normal” and just call it normal.