Tag: #Anxiety

  • Letting Go of Past Mistakes

    I’m finding it hard to stay motivated. I was able to put a blog together yesterday, but I never made it to journal or work on anything else, which, at the end of the day, I was feeling like I had failed. And with my anxiety started a death spiral of thoughts about, well, just being a failure. Then I started thinking about everything that I had screwed up on in the past three years, replaying the mistakes over and over…

    It’s exhausting…

    Digging myself out of that isn’t easy. The first step is watching an old MST3k on PlutoTV. That helps in just calming my head down. Then I have to start telling myself that tomorrow is a new opportunity to make changes; to get it right.

    But, when it comes to thinking about the things I did wrong in the past, that one is much harder for me to put to rest. I have been told in therapy, by friends and loved ones, and Oprah that I have to forgive myself. You know, I’ve tried, but there I was last night thinking about old work situations, and people I haven’t seen in years. I don’t think there is anything that I can say to myself to enact a state of forgiveness that will cause the exorcise these thoughts. It is unattainable.

    But what I think is attainable is more attune to what being an ex-smoker, or recovering alcoholic is like; It is a daily struggle to choose not to take part. I used to smoke, and it took me about a year to ween myself off of cigarettes, and a good part had to do with changing my behavior. I had to stop having the first cigarette in the morning, or right before I went to bed. The desire was still there, but I had to say no to myself. That was seven years ago, and still I have moments where the craving for a smoke over takes me, but I fight it off. I don’t have to forgive myself for the craving, I have to fight it.

  • It’s 2021, Ya’ll!

    And so we are in a new year. Today, Monday the 4th feels like the start of the new year to me. The kid is back in school, remotely that is, and the wife is also back at work, also remotely, but we are all back to the routine.

    Walking our dog around the neighborhood this morning, I saw that the crossing guards are back, as well as the delivery trucks, and people waiting at bus stops. Even the stupid construction on the condo tower behind our building was up and running at 6:30am.

    Everyone is back, and that’s why, for me, it feels like we are all starting this New Year.

    Today is also the day that I will try 30 days of no alcohol. I will jump on the band wagon of everyone else, and have a dry January. I don’t think our drinking is out of control, but the wife and I wanted to start this year off on the right foot with cleaning up our life style. We have put on some Covid weight, and alcohol doesn’t help. And over the holidays, we sure did eat our fair share of cookies, and cakes, and all sorts of other tasty treats that really aren’t good for us. The wife is taking the extra step and is cutting sugar out of the next 30 days. The final step is that we will be doing a 30 day yoga program. Yes, it is a form of exercise that we can do after the kid goes to bed at night, but for me, I need something to help me center and calm my mind down. I am looking for healthier ways to deal with my anxiety.

    We were talking last night, about how everyone does shit like this at the start of the year, and then they give up in February. We seem to be building in our quitting with this 30 system, thus we won’t be upset with ourselves when this ends on February 3rd.