Tag: #Anxiety

  • Summer is Almost Over

    We have eighteen days until the kid starts school, which means that we have eighteen days left of Summer. It was a busy summer with day camps, visiting friends, and a vacation to boot. This made those first nine weeks fly by. Looking at the final two weeks, I have this feeling that we don’t have enough time to get ready for school, and the new routine that will follow.

    We’ll have to do some school shopping. We were able to get a rain coat for the kid while up in Maine, but she needs a new winter coat and winter shoes. Let’s not forget that out kid shot up a whole inch this Summer, so we need to do another round of clothes shopping. And school supplies. Always needing school supplies.

    Then there is the anxiety of the Fall. We were told, and our planning, on having the kid attend in person class, but with everything going on, I don’t feel like that is a guarantee. I have this nagging thought in the back of my head that if things get worse with Delta, then we might have to do remote school again. This is one of the reasons why I haven’t taken the kids “school corner” down in the living room. The other is that I am lazy.

    I fear if we do remote school again, that it will just crush all of us. The kid has told me that she wants to be back at school to see her friends, learn, and have fun. She’s excited about being there, and I want her to have that. For the wife and I, school means a return to normal. It means the chance for me to go get a part time job, and help us dig out of the financial hole we are in. And also, school means that I get a little time to write as well.

    So much still feels up in the air, but everything has been up in the air for like two years now. I wouldn’t say we are getting used to it, but we would like a break from this ride. Just eighteen days till the next chapter.

  • The Kid’s First Time Being Homesick

    Our daughter has been visiting friends for the past few days. She has been looking forward to this trip for months! She was getting to travel, be in a house that had a pool, hang out with other kids all day, and have a summer adventure.

    When we dropped off the kid, she couldn’t have given two craps that we were leaving. She was excited and laughing, and wanted to be away from us. There was a little sting with her being so blasé with our exit, but on a more important level, I was happy that she wasn’t having any separation issues. We FaceTimed each night, and she was bubbling over telling us all about the fun she was having, but the call always ended with her telling us that she loved us and missed us.

    Last night on our call, the kid was talking all about the fun they had, and then she got quite, and started to silently sob little tears. Oh, our hearts just broke. “I want to see you, here,” she cried, “I miss you.” We tried to console her, letting her know that we would all be together soon, and how much we loved her.

    This is also normal. This is the longest we have all been apart, and it’s especially hard on her. I also feel very helpless as all can do is try and comfort her through a computer screen. When what we all want is a big long silly hug.

    I remember that feeling of being away from your parents and never really knowing when you will see them again. When I was her age, I remember being upset, and my aunt called my mother so I could talk to her on the phone. My Ma would calm me down and tell me that she loved me and that we would all be together again, very soon. And it would help. But that lonely missing feeling never really went away in me; it was in the back of my head making butterflies in my stomach.

    I do hope my little girl is having fun today, and not missing us too bad. Though I expect that the next hug I get from her will be pretty tight and a little long.

  • Trouble Sleeping, Some Anxiety

    I have been having trouble sleeping of late. The other night was pretty bad. It took a while for me to get tired, and then when I did go to bed, I couldn’t stay asleep. It felt like I was waking up every thirty minutes or so. The thought that kept replaying in my head was that I wouldn’t be able to get a job when everything gets better, because I will need to get a job. We can get by on one income, but we can’t get ahead unless I bring in some money.

    I keep thinking that I am not going to get a job because I’m too old. And I kept thinking that I am not going to get a job, because I don’t have any useful skills. And I kept feeling worse and worse about myself. It created a downward spiral of negative thought, that I just couldn’t shake.

    And then I went to a very dark place. It wasn’t so much a specific memory, but more of recalling a deep emotional feeling. I started to relive the emotions of the time period when my mother was dying, and the complete lack of sympathy I received from my co-workers. (To make this quick, the place that I worked wanted me to quit to save money, so two co-workers took it upon themselves to bully and harass me so that I would leave. And yes, I did go to HR and they said there was nothing they could do.) It was difficult to deal with the emotions of losing my mother, while also having to survive eight hours of isolation and intimidation. It was a one-two punch that was miserable, and depressingly lonely. I am very fortunate that I have my wife, family, and friends, as without them, I don’t think I would have survived that period.

    I like to think of myself as a mentally well-adjusted and fit person. That was an awful period of time, but I did come out on the other side with a better relationship with my wife, and father, and family, and friends. And all of that was due to talking about it, and sharing, and making ourselves vulnerable which allowed healing. It’s still a work in progress, as there are bad days, like the other night. But… I know it will get better.

  • First Time at the Dentist

    Yesterday was the kid’s first experience with going to see a dentist. I know for some people going to the dentist is not an enjoyable experience, and looking at the websites for pediatric dentists, almost all of them have a page dedicated to calming your child’s fears of going to the dentist for the first time.

    My kid saw Little Shop of Horrors, so she didn’t have the healthiest appreciation of the dental profession.

    But I was committed to making sure that the kid would have no issues with going to see the dentist for the first time. I found lots of videos online about kids going to the dentist where they explained the tools, and the procedures. We watched them together, and she very quickly associated that dentists are just like any other doctor, as they are there to help and make you feel better.

    And the pediatric dental office we went to was great! This is what they do, but they were really great at making the kid feel special, and explaining everything to her, so she wasn’t afraid. I could even feel my anxiety rise as the cleaning started, and the kid let the assistant start touching her teeth, but she was fine. It was all fine, and the kid even said that she found the dentist fun!

    I told her how proud I was of her. Then we got home to tell mom all about the dentist, and I added how proud I was of the kid. After dinner, I reminded the kid of how brave she was at the dentist, and that made me proud. As we brushed our teeth before bed, I reminded her how proud I was how she handled the dentist. And then when I tucked her in, she told me to stop telling her how proud I was of her.

    I was laying it on rather thick.

    And I had committed the sin of trying to over parent my child to compensate for my perceived failings in my life. I was a nervous, anxiety riddled child. I worried so much about things, that I often made myself sick to my stomach to where I couldn’t get out of bed. I wish I wasn’t the worry-wart little kid, as it created self-doubt and fear in me, and I have had to work hard as an adult to overcome it. I just wanted to make sure the kid isn’t afraid of things like I was.

    This might be one of those life lessons where as I parent I need to set the example, rather than over praise.

  • Fixing Nightmares

    I’m just not feeling today. Part of it is that I didn’t sleep well last night, which was due to my mind not shut off. I was having a negative thought downward spiral, where I was listing everything that I was disappoint in about myself, as well as saying to myself over and over again that I will never succeed at anything I truly desire.

    Good times in the self-defeating department.

    And then at about 3 in the morning, the kid woke up from a bad dream, and wanted me to snuggle her back to sleep. That made things a little better. I didn’t ask her what the bad dream was about, as I have found that asking her to relive the nightmare sometimes makes things worse, as it just scares her all over again. What works better is to play a game of naming all the things that makes us happy. We go back and forth, I normally start, and we do this until she either feels better, or falls asleep.

    I start with an easy one;

    Me- Snuggles

    Her – My doll

    Me – Reading books

    Her – Drawing pictures

    Me – Pizza

    Her – Cheesy noodles

    Me – The dog

    Her – Friends at the park

    After a few back and forth’s, she is out. I hold on to her for a minute or two more just to make sure she’s asleep. Then I slow slink out of her room, with the job accomplished.

    Not that I got back to sleep right away, but I tried thinking about the things that keep me going, the goals I have. Generally, I keep it together, but there are those days when everything feels a million miles away, and nothing will change it.

    That is the Covid-isolation brain talking. I have been pretty much doing the same thing for a year now, and it just feels like nothing has changed. But feelings aren’t necessarily facts.

    I’m just tired.