Tag: #Animals

  • Our Dog Smells Bad

    (This is a Flash Fiction piece that I am releasing to the world…)

    No matter what we do, the dog always smells bad. And when I say, “smells bad,” it’s a smell combination of a “wet dog,” and corn nuts. We bathe her with expensive shampoos and conditioners, one’s specifically for serious, industrial grade dog odor. It only holds for a day or two. Then she returns back to her stink. Sometimes with a smile.

    We asked the vet about it, and she said that some dogs smell – it’s just who they are. But she ran a couple of tests anyway, to make sure there wasn’t an infection or something worse. Nope, the dog was fine. Her teeth and gums were fine, bloodwork was fine, pee and poop was fine. No signs of infections or parasites. No cancer, no ticks, no fleas, nothing. The vet suggested that we change her diet, maybe that would help. And to be safe, the vet thought it best to shame us – “This is who your dog is, maybe you should learn to accept her.” I accept the dog, just not the smell.

    She’s a mix of shih tzu and something else small. Maybe a chihuahua, maybe a wiener dog. We rescued her from a puppy mill, or at least that’s what we were told when we adopted her. She was a sad sack of a lost cause – a little under fed, and not looking happy to be rescued. While the other dogs wagged their tails, and jumped for attention, our dog just lay there on the cold linoleum floor – looking like she’d given up on life. She didn’t exactly exude the traditional joy and happiness that a dog brings to your life. She was giving off a “I’m going to get picked last” vibe. What can I say; I was always picked last. It just seemed fitting. 

    We wanted an animal in our life; my wife wanted a dog, and I wanted a cat. The animal adoption event at the Paramus Petco only had dogs, though the Facebook posting said cats would be available. But when you walk on the lot, you gotta buy. We just assumed that the bad smell was due to neglect. How were we to know it was a factory setting. We made sure we added pet shampoo to our overflowing cart of pet supplies at the store.

    She was nervous to come home with us; shook the whole way. The wife wrapped her in a blanket from the trunk to see if that would calm her down. It didn’t. She shivered but didn’t make a sound. At home, we fed her and bathed her, and let her explore our apartment. We sat on the couch and watched her sniff around wondering what she would do next, which was to take a big poop in the middle of the living room. In hindsight, we should have walked her when we got home.

    Walking her was an enlightening adventure. We discovered that our dog hated all other dogs. Our little dog displayed a level of animosity and rage that I didn’t think was possible for an animal. She would growl, hiss, and bark. Spit would fly out of her mouth, and her fur would stand up. Possession might be a good word to use – as it was like the Devil entered her body. And it didn’t matter what the other dog’s reaction was, our little guy still wanted to kill them. Once, she pulled so hard on her leash, she almost chocked herself out. So, walks became a game of avoiding other dogs.

    Before you ask, yes we tried all the training tricks to get her to be more comfortable around other dogs. We tried treats, and positive reinforcements, a firm hand, and all that other dog whisperer shit. Nothing took. We had a neighbor in our building who was a dog walker. She was positive she could train our dog. After three days, even she gave up. And she couldn’t figure it out either. Why was the dog so nice to people, but when another dog came around, she devolved into a demon? It’s just who she is, we told the neighbor, and we accept that this is who she is.

  • ODDS and ENDS: But I Thought It Was Funny, Spotify for the Win, and My Beard

    (I think I want to live the sporting life.)

    Okay, so maybe me and the wife drank a bottle of cheap white wine last night, and maybe we tried to do some online shopping while I was watching the Cowboy game. And maybe we found a semi inappropriate plush cat on Amazon. And maybe I did text out a picture of that plush cat to a friend who I thought would find it extremely hilarious. Look, when me and the wife saw that cat, we laugh/cried for like ten minutes. My friend didn’t find it as funny. Sure, they found it funny, just not that funny. It’s a giant plush cat, with giant plush balls! Just read the reviews! The people who bought this cat are also in awe that a cat of this form exists in the world. C’mon People!

    Seems like everyone is showing off their Spotify Wrapped year in review. I am surprised that my Wrapped does not contain The Beatles in my Top 5. They have always claimed a spot on the list, but not this year. I’m not sharing my list, that’s personal, but I will answer that Peach Pit was my big winner. And when this time of year comes around, I do have to tip my cap and admire the marketing team at Spotify for coming up with this little data stunt. I mean, you get everyone to humble-brag about what the listen to; it dominates the news cycle for a day or two because it’s a fluff story, but it always seems like we need a fluff story; most importantly, it’s easily shared on social media. Bravo, Spotify marketing team, bravo! I hope whomever came up with this idea got promoted and earned a cushy job teaching a class on online marketing at an Ivy League school.

    It’s that time of year when I grow a beard. For the record, my wife and kid hate that I do this, and what they object to is that my face, understandably, becomes course and scratchy. See, there is no logic to why I do this, but the last time I shaved was on Thanksgiving, and then I just grow a beard through New Year’s. Being that it’s a New Year, I’ll shave the beard, but leave a moustache. (And the wife and kid REALLY hate when I have a moustache.) Now, I’ll keep the moustache until the Super Bowl. Why? No reason. Just something to do. The point here is to be back to being clean shaven by Valentine’s Day, because I’m not stupid.

  • ODDS and ENDS: Power Point That Coup, BIRDS AREN’T REAL, Collar of Shame, and Libraries

    ODDS and ENDS is my continuing series of random thoughts and follow ups…

    Note to self: When planning a coup, don’t use Power Point. Also note to self: When planning a coup, don’t hire people that I need to use Power Point to explain how the coup works.

    This article was awesome, because BIRDS AREN’T REAL. Absurdist humor makes me very happy, even if it doesn’t make me laugh out loud.

    My dog has a cone collar now, or at least for the next six days. There is this red bump that is at the corner of her right eye, and it is as ugly as it sounds. The collar is humiliating for all of us, but let’s be honest, the dog has it the worst. Right now, she is veering between whimpering for sympathy, and outright hostility toward us. We need her to not scratch at the bump, and at the same time, apply an ointment to the bump twice a day. I have no issue doing this, as I love the dog, and want her to be healthy. And at the same time, it is still funny to see my compassion and affection for this animal on full display in our apartment for the next week. I will let this dog bite and growl at me twice a day, and I will keep my voice in the gentlest of tones.

    This past summer, I decided that it was time for the kid to get her library card. Down the street from us is a branch of the New York Public Library, which makes it easy to visit often. Over the summer and start of the school year, we would go and check out books on subjects that the kid was interested in. I would also get some early reader books, so we can keep working on that skill. The Liberians there are great. Always friendly, and patient with questions, as my daughter has lots of questions. The kid tells me she likes going to the library, and I think she’s being honest with me, and not telling me what I want to hear. I want to build a love of reading and for books in her, but also don’t want to come across too heavy handed, thus turning her off to it. I mean, I won’t know the result of this project for many years. I just have to hope that I am building a good foundation for her.