Category: Uncategorized

One of the things I have failed at as a father is that I really, and I really wanted it, was to document everything it was like to be a father, so I would have something to pass along to the kid when she got older. It sounded like a sweet idea in my head, something that would be a record of what an awe inspiring, life changing event it was to become a father, and how much love filled my life.

Then we had the kid, and I learned that I will now and forever be tired, but especially for those first three months when nothing made sense and life with a newborn was like a rollercoaster ride that I couldn’t get off… Not that I wanted to get off of it, but if it slowed down for like five minutes, that would have been great.

The plan was that I would write anywhere from one sentence to a paragraph about that day’s experience with the kid. I don’t think I ever made seven consecutive days. It was spurts and stops and starts, and I would jump from that first week to three months to a year, and then nothing else. It’s kind of embarrassing that I could follow through with it. I have complete respect for the parents that can keep on top of daily pictures, of first year journaling. That was not my thing.

For me, parenting is such an “in the moment” thing, that it never dawns on me that I should document it until it is too late. And then I try to remember and write it down, some other kid event happens that pulls me away. Holding on to cards, and odd drawings makes sense now. That is the tangible memory that is created.

I forget things, which is something that I have written about twice. But this isn’t about car keys, or not remembering why I walked into a room.

I had forgotten the things that make me feel better.

My job can, from time to time, not be the best, and I slipped into a puddle of stress and anxiety this morning. As I was at my desk trying to calm myself down, I tried taking some deep breaths, stretching, and in a weird shot of clarity it came to me, “Listen to Abbey Road.”

Yes! The Beatles!

I put on my headphones, started the album up, and it really was like a wave of relaxation came over me. Slowly, I started getting myself back into gear, and got on top of it all. It worked like it always has.

From about the age of 15 to now, that band has been with me when I needed them. From studying for tests, to inspiring me to create, to calming myself down before a major drama competition, to keeping me awake on a long road trip, to helping me deal with the pain of living a life, that music has been there, right on cue.

I am a Beatle fanatic, and I could talk about them forever. But the thing about them, about their music, which still holds true is that they are completely inclusive. Everyone is welcomed to their party. And the only way you can get kicked out is if you are an asshole. This place is about love and fun, and if you can’t dig it, then you should move, but I bet if you try, you can dig it.

Anyway, I forgot for a second…

I got up this morning and I did something I shouldn’t have… I went on social media and looked at what all my friends are up to…

We all see where this is going…

So, now that I feel like my life is garbage, what do I do about it?

The first question I have to ask is, even though I feel like my life is garbage, is my life actually garbage?

No, my life is not garbage. I am leading a very good life. Always room for improvement, though.

The second question is, if my life is not garbage, then why did I let myself feel that way. The answer is that there is still a wide gulf between where my life is and where I would like it to be. And that frustration is heightened when I see people doing well, which I at weak moments, comes out as jealousy.

I am human, and I am still weak.

I was told once that when you get mad and frustrated, that means you actually want to make a change.

Which also reminds me that my Grandma used to say, you are allowed one day to be mad, then you have to make changes tomorrow.

So, I did. I looked at grad schools. I thought about changing jobs. I thought about all of the thing that I could do.

But nothing excites me right now.

That could be the sign of depression.

Or, that might also mean that all bets are on the table. I could explore anything, and go in any new direction.

I just have to keep trying.

I am very torn with what is happening in Korea and Trump right now. On one hand, I really would like there to be peace in the world and less nuclear weapons. On the other hand, I really don’t want Trump to succeed at anything. Such is the conundrum.

The same idea was brought up on Bill Maher this past Friday. If the economy continues to do well, as it has been doing, then historically, presidents win reelection. As Bill made his joke, that means I have to root for the economy to tank, and for people to suffer. Western democracy is saved, but more people live in poverty.

That I feel is the new world that we all live in. Everything is an extreme case, and that there is nothing to compromise for. All or nothing.

I am not one to believe that things will never be good again. I just know that things will be different. This is a time of change, a shift in the tectonic plates that hold our country together. It will be different from here on out. Will there be a stronger Congress? A more restrained presidential power? Will the states play a larger role in dictating the direction of the country?

Nothing last forever, and I firmly believe when something stops working, people form something that does work.

In the two above situations, I have to vote for Trump forging peace in Korea, and for democracy to succeed.

Not that I a comfortable with it…

This is going to be my third World Cup while living in NYC, and I am really excited about it. (Yes, it sucks that the USA isn’t playing this time around, but USA Men’s management screwed that squad. They got what the deserved, and I would prefer to watch the USA Women, anyway… My two cents…) It’s fun living in an international city, when something very international takes place, like the world cup. When whatever nation plays, on that day, you can spot those national flags out on people.

And fans pop up everywhere to watch the matches. There will be tv in windows of places you wouldn’t expect showing them. A dry cleaner in my friend’s neighborhood put up a tv so people can watch.

Last World Cup in NYC gave me a pretty great memory. A good friend had gotten their wisdom teeth out, and he had asked me and my wife to be the ones to pick him up from the oral surgeon, get him home, and get him to bed. After we had picked him up and gotten him home, he asked if we could get him a milk shake. Sure, not a problem.

The wife got on her phone and found a dinner around the corner that make milk shakes to go. So, we walked over, and when we came into the dinner, it was when Brazil and Chile were going into penalty kicks for their first-round knockout match. Everything the dinner ground to a halt for the kicks. Waiters, cooks, busboys, dishwashers, patrons had all gathered around the tv over the register to watch the shots. The agony when Chile fell behind in kicks, the joy when Brazil won that match. And then everyone went back to work. Like nothing had happened.