Category: Uncategorized

  • New Stress

    I have been gone for some time, and the reason is that life has become a little difficult.

    Mainly, my wife lost her job. She was laid off the week we returned home after being evacuated for the wildfires, so that was a particularly awful week. We have been dealing with it.

    It has made us face some of the very harsh realities of living in California. Unfortunately, we aren’t in a position where we can get by unless we are both working. They gave her a little severance, which has made things easier, or at least manageable, to get through the Holidays.

    What this feels like is that we have been under constant stress for a solid month now. First, the thought of losing everything we owned, then being faced with the fact that we don’t have a support system in the place where we live. It made us feel very isolated, and that feeling has been shucked off still. With her job gone, and that was one of the big reasons we moved here, it has created a “come to Jesus” moment for us; why are we here, and is this really what we want to be doing?

    It has been a month where we have been fighting more than normal. Nothing serious, but we have increased the frequency that we pick and nag each other. I even noticed that the kid has also started acting up, when she would never do that before. The stress has affected and infected all of us.

  • Grown Ups Suck

    I try very hard to get my four-year-old to behave with manners and respectively to others. I feel that is one of the more important jobs I have as a father, besides, feeding and sheltering her, and making sure she knows that she is loved. I feel I am tasked with helping her become a strong and confidant woman in this world. But also, to help her become a well-adjusted adult.

    And the older I get, the more I really don’t like adults. They really are awful people, and they make everything worse. Kids can be terrible to each other, but adults can be horrible, and they also can kill people. (That might be more dramatic than I want to be in this…)

    Part of this is coming from a general disappointment in my fellow adults for not being more adult.

    There are the man-child faux adults that still ware t-shirts all the time and watch cartoons and take Star Wars too seriously. I can almost forgive those guys. At least Star Wars has a moral code to it.

    No, I am talking about adults that are selfish and hypocritical, but some how try to spin it as being a realist in the world. That their general distastefulness is merely a reaction to the world we live in. “I got them before they got me.” I can’t seem to find any intelligence in such a philosophy, other than a rationalization of clearly acknowledged bad behavior.

    I was under the impression that as we get older, we become wiser. That we have learned through experience how to become better humans.

    What I am seeing is that adults have no intention broadening their understanding in the world. Sadly, they are selfish and are looking out for themselves.

    Adults are a disappointment.

  • 9/11

    I think about the night before; at a bar with cast mates. We had finished a rehearsal for The Cherry Orchard, and by and far, we were drinking and getting to know each other as a cast. I was out too late, had too much to drink. I fell asleep with the TV on.

    I even slept through my alarm.

    I know this because I had set it for 7:30am, as I had a 9am class, and that would give me plenty of time to wake up, have a cup of coffee with breakfast, shower an by on my way to my “Intro to Theatre Costuming.” I crawled out of bed, about 7:50am. I went to the bathroom, and then walked past the TV, the TODAY SHOW was on, and went into the kitchen to get my cup of coffee. As I poured the coffee, that was the first time I heard what was being said on the TV, that a plane had crashed into a building in New York. I walked back into the living room to see what was happening. The time was 8:03am, as that was the moment that I watched the second plane crash into The South Tower. I sat down and didn’t move for close to a half hour. I remember thinking this can’t be real. This doesn’t happen in real life. I’m watching thousands of people die. This is wrong, but I can’t do anything to stop it. I was helpless.

    That’s what I remember.

  • Loss

    I found out about a month ago that a former work colleague had lost her mother after a very short illness. I found out the worst way possible; on FaceBook. I shared my condolences, but it felt hollow, and more like a public display, rather than a heartfelt statement of concern.

    When my mother passed, many people who I had very little contact with, some who I haven’t heard from in years, reached out to me. No one said anything that took my sadness or pain away, I appreciated that people reminded me that I wasn’t alone, and that life will won’t be the same, but it’s not darkness forever.

    I reached out to her in an email, and reminded her of the kindness that she showed me when my mother passed and offered support in any way that I can provide it.

    I know, from everything I have read about grief, that sharing your experiences, and making yourself available for others who are also going through the same thing, is one of the best ways to recover. There is part of me that feels like I am being selfish; that sharing pain is actually an unburdening on to a person that shouldn’t take on more. I know that’s not how I thought about it when it was happening to me, but with all of this time that has now passed, I feel self-conscious, and exposed with sharing. Maybe I haven’t healed as much as I thought I had.

    I just want my colleague knows that she isn’t alone, the same way she made me feel.

  • The Finder of Lost Things

    My kid asked me the other day what my super powers were. I said always being one step ahead.

    She didn’t find that funny.

    – I can fly and climb walls, – was her answer.

    Valid, I will give her that, though over-done.

    I have spent a day or two, on and off, thinking about this question, and I think what I want to do is find all the things that have been lost. What a power that would be!

    I could find the Ark of the Covenant, and all those car keys!

    I could discover lost languages, and all that lost time!

    Dates that went nowhere and timeshare presentations!

    All that lost money I would find!

    Lost connections, and lost loves!

    And while I’m on this, where are the people with super powers that are just lazy about life. You know, the guy who can create dimension portals, and all they use that for is making it quicker to get a beer from the fridge. Or the person with laser vision that only uses it to heat up food.

    Just an idea.