Category: Uncategorized

  • Letting Go of Past Mistakes

    I’m finding it hard to stay motivated. I was able to put a blog together yesterday, but I never made it to journal or work on anything else, which, at the end of the day, I was feeling like I had failed. And with my anxiety started a death spiral of thoughts about, well, just being a failure. Then I started thinking about everything that I had screwed up on in the past three years, replaying the mistakes over and over…

    It’s exhausting…

    Digging myself out of that isn’t easy. The first step is watching an old MST3k on PlutoTV. That helps in just calming my head down. Then I have to start telling myself that tomorrow is a new opportunity to make changes; to get it right.

    But, when it comes to thinking about the things I did wrong in the past, that one is much harder for me to put to rest. I have been told in therapy, by friends and loved ones, and Oprah that I have to forgive myself. You know, I’ve tried, but there I was last night thinking about old work situations, and people I haven’t seen in years. I don’t think there is anything that I can say to myself to enact a state of forgiveness that will cause the exorcise these thoughts. It is unattainable.

    But what I think is attainable is more attune to what being an ex-smoker, or recovering alcoholic is like; It is a daily struggle to choose not to take part. I used to smoke, and it took me about a year to ween myself off of cigarettes, and a good part had to do with changing my behavior. I had to stop having the first cigarette in the morning, or right before I went to bed. The desire was still there, but I had to say no to myself. That was seven years ago, and still I have moments where the craving for a smoke over takes me, but I fight it off. I don’t have to forgive myself for the craving, I have to fight it.

  • It’s 2021, Ya’ll!

    And so we are in a new year. Today, Monday the 4th feels like the start of the new year to me. The kid is back in school, remotely that is, and the wife is also back at work, also remotely, but we are all back to the routine.

    Walking our dog around the neighborhood this morning, I saw that the crossing guards are back, as well as the delivery trucks, and people waiting at bus stops. Even the stupid construction on the condo tower behind our building was up and running at 6:30am.

    Everyone is back, and that’s why, for me, it feels like we are all starting this New Year.

    Today is also the day that I will try 30 days of no alcohol. I will jump on the band wagon of everyone else, and have a dry January. I don’t think our drinking is out of control, but the wife and I wanted to start this year off on the right foot with cleaning up our life style. We have put on some Covid weight, and alcohol doesn’t help. And over the holidays, we sure did eat our fair share of cookies, and cakes, and all sorts of other tasty treats that really aren’t good for us. The wife is taking the extra step and is cutting sugar out of the next 30 days. The final step is that we will be doing a 30 day yoga program. Yes, it is a form of exercise that we can do after the kid goes to bed at night, but for me, I need something to help me center and calm my mind down. I am looking for healthier ways to deal with my anxiety.

    We were talking last night, about how everyone does shit like this at the start of the year, and then they give up in February. We seem to be building in our quitting with this 30 system, thus we won’t be upset with ourselves when this ends on February 3rd.

  • Thinking About Summer Vacation

    Today was a nice, solid winter day in NYC. It’s only 36 right now, and there was about an hour of snow flurries that fell, though nothing stuck. We have the radiator on in the apartment, and I am bout to make afternoon coffee. It feels like winter, and if you squint, it almost feels normal.

    And if this a normal winter day, then I would start thinking about summer vacation. Like a real summer vacation. (Just humor me, here.) If this was a normal school year here in the City, than we know that the kid would be in classes all the way through the end of June. Most likely, we’d take part in a Summer camp for the kid over the month of July, and I have a good idea that we would get clued in by some of the other parents from school of which camps to take part in.

    That would leave the month of August, and I want the whole month of August 2021. See, I have it in my head that we could take the whole month off, and if so then we are headed up to New England, and I think I would like to try out Maine again.

    Two years ago, we did five days in a small vacation town on the coast in May, and I thought it was great. The day was only 75, and warm enough to go to the beach, and then at night it got into the 50’s so I could put on a sweater while having a drink on the front porch.

    I know the wife wouldn’t be super excited about it, but she could work remotely for two weeks, and then we all could take two uninterrupted to just relax. Maybe boil some lobsters, do a clam bake, or just order take out. And reading books, sketching landscapes, just thinking the day away.

  • Construction Out the Back Window

    When I look out the back window of my apartment, I see a huge condo tower being built. Eventually, it will block my view of the City, and all I will see will be this condo tower, unless I lean out the window and look to the right, then I will be able to see other parts of New York.

    I knew this building was coming. I had watched as the lots that are occupied by this growing tower were bought, and chain linked fences were put up. Then a coming soon board went up, followed by the work permits displayed on a plywood wall. After that, a temporary worksite office was put on the sidewalk. At the start of the year, a backhoe arrived and started digging out the lot. There was a break at the end of February, after the foundation was poured. I thought that work had been stopped because of Covid, but then in August, workers came back and they haven’t stopped building.

    This is progress, right? Manhattan real estate is too valuable, right? The world is always changing, right?

    I find it odd that with so many people leaving the City, that they are moving forward with building more luxury condos, but maybe these guys know something that I don’t. Maybe they are playing the long game? Hold out long enough, and things will change in your favor. Maybe.

    But looking out my back window, it doesn’t feel like progress. It feels like an intrusion. Like an outpost is being built, and we are about to be colonized.

  • Update

    I might be on vacation.