Category: Parenting

  • Feeling Better

    I’m feeling better today. I was able to sleep last night, so I have to admit that all of the everything that was balled up in (the anxiety, short temper, loss of interest) was completely based on the impending surgery.

    And the surgery did go well. The kid was home before lunch, and she was feisty as ever. Her eye is bloodshot, and it does itch, which drives her insane as she can’t touch it, which is the only thing she wants to do. The other funny thing was that she refused to take a nap even though she was completely exhausted. (She gets that from me.) But when she went to bed, she crashed out, lost to the world. Until 6am, when she woke us up. Yeah…

    I am the caregiver today. The wife has meetings and is in the office with the door shut, while the kid and I are on the couch watching tv and movies. Well, I’m trying to read, and clearly, I am putting together a blog post. I know that I will need to make lunch and dinner later. Then, a doctor’s appointment to make sure that the kid’s eye is healing correctly. Somewhere in there, I think we’ll take a walk with the dog.

    And though I am feeling better today, I know that I’m still not back. I can feel my anxiety at the periphery of my vision. I’m still not sure what is the best path for me to take.

    What I do know is that right now, I need to be the best dad that I can be. There is a little copy of me on the couch trying to explain the plot of “Ghost Writer,” and that’s my focus for today.

  • Dredging

    So, I have been avoiding talking about a situation, and it has to do with my daughter. She is having an eye surgery today. Very minor, adjusting the muscles in her right eye to help alignment, and to improve vision. This is, in fact, the second time she has had an operation on her eyes. Back in September 2020, both eyes were adjusted, and we thought that would be the end of it. But there was a 5% chance that we’d be back.

    I didn’t write about this before because I didn’t want to over share about my daughter’s life. But, I share so many other things about her, and not that it gives me license to share everything that happens to her… I’m proud of my kid, and this is an operation that is common and nothing to be ashamed of. She was afraid when the first surgery came around, and she sure as hell wasn’t happy about having to have a second operation, but she faced her fears, and moved forward.

    I, on the other hand, have been not at my best. I haven’t been sleeping, or eating right, and I also have been a little short tempered as well. This second surgery has been our radar since September, and I admit that I have been avoiding thinking about it. I’m not a piece of shit dad, as I read all the pre-surgery information, schedule all the appointments, and checkups, and got the kid her Covid test, and all of that stuff. I was there for the kid whenever she wanted to talk about it, and I tried my best to listen to what she was saying and not just dismiss her concerns.

    I was trying to be brave for everybody, and not think or dwell on what I was feeling. I understand that there are moments when being a parent you have to put the kid’s wellbeing before your own. And now that we are on the other side of her surgery (She just got out of the OR and is in recovery with her mother,) all of my emotions are coming up.

    The first is that I couldn’t be there. Thanks to Covid, only one parent is allowed in the hospital, so, again, I had to sit out. This left me at home, with my computer, thinking about all of this. Too much time to sit around and think, and though I know the chance of complications from the operation are minimal, not being there still makes me feel helpless, and useless.

    And hospitals, and feeling helpless and useless just dregs up the old feeling of my mother slowly dying in a hospital. These two situations have nothing in common other than a hospital, but it’s there. When hospitals are mentioned, it pops right up. And it’s not the memories of my mother dying that show up, it’s the emotions which feel draped over me like an ugly sweater.

    With that feeling of helplessness all around me, I started reliving all the mistakes that I have made over the past five years. Like, really litigating and flagellating myself. Really punishing myself for not living up who I should be for my wife and kid. Reliving mistakes I made in my career, and moments when I should have stood up for myself, or told that guy off, or just walked away. Then I really started punishing myself for not being smart enough, or talented enough, or wasting all the opportunities that I have had in this life.

    And all of this is because my kid is having a minor eye surgery?

    I might be a little depressed.

    Being upset that your child has to have an operation; that’s understandable.

    Thinking that I am the worst human on the planet because my kid is having an operation? Something seems out of whack.

    And I have been avoiding talking about this. I was trying to be brave for the wife and kid, but if any stress comes my way, and my reaction is to do the minimum and hate myself, then I am not handling it in a healthy way. And in the end, I’m not being a good father or husband.

    The good news is that the wife texted me and the kid is awake and eating ice cream. They should be home in a bit, and I promised to make chicken noodle soup.

    I got a lot of work to do.

  • The Holidays Are Here

    To start with, my Total Crypto Return is $1.89. I invested $34.69, and my return rate is 5.45%. With my extra cash, I can buy a pack of gum, and hope to one day, be able to buy a cup of coffee.

    Speaking of buying stuff…

    I have to admit that it is Christmas Time, and I really don’t like saying that before Thanksgiving. I know this to be true because we started buying the kid’s Christmas gifts, and we hope to have all of the shopping done in the next week. If this is true, and we can pull this off, then this will be the earliest we have ever been ready. Thanks, supply chain issues!

    And I already am beginning to feel the stress of the Holidays. For us, and I think for most parents as well, the “Holidays” start as soon as we hit October. It’s Halloween to New Years, but with the kid’s birthday is in January, it is a four-month marathon of decorations, costumes, candy, sweets, indulgence and a little gluttony, gifts, toasts, alcohol, and ends with the planning of party. It’s a lot.

    I’m not complaining, as we get to make great memories with our daughter, and the Holidays in New York are pretty special and magical. The cliché is true, experiencing Christmas through your kid’s eyes is stupidly fun. You can still have the time of your life, and be exhausted at the end of it.

  • Another IKEA Blog

    I think I do have a problem when it comes to IKEA. But in my defense, I wrote a blog back in July 2020 about IKEA’s Algot line that got discontinued, and man, that’s the little blog that could! I keep getting hits on that thing weekly if not daily. So, there is a demand out there for people to hear stories about IKEA.

    That having been said, we had another IKEA weekend, sort of. We are trying to finish off our daughter’s room before Christmas, which we will clearly achieve. This weekend, we had to flip the ladder from the left to the right side of the bed. I then had to take all the shelves down, and patch up all those holes, because we are going to repaint her room. Also, we moved her wardrobe from the corner of the room to be closer to her bed. Basically, that was my job.

    The wife’s mission was to run out to the Paramus IKEA to pick up the ELVARLI shelving unit. (Also, ELVARLI might be an elvish language Tolkien created.) The IKEA website said there were a few left in stock, and what that really meant was that none were in stock. The advice she was given was the check online for the availability, as they aren’t sure when things will be back in stock. (Supply Chain.)

    There are few corporations that have this much pull in my life, and IKEA is one of them. There is the bank my money is in, the media company that controls my internet, and then there is my furniture supplier, who keeps feeding my desire to put all of my life in neat tiny boxes, which will make my small space feel larger?

    I think I am admitting more about myself than I was expecting…

  • Parent Fail

    Yesterday, I took the kid to the dentist, which she thinks of as a fun thing to do. She was nervous to go to the dentist at first, but we talked to her about who the dentist and the technicians are, and how they are there to help her. What also helps is that we found a great children’s dentist practice in the neighborhood, wherein everybody there is open and friendly, and fun, so the kid loves seeing them every six months.

    But at this latest appointment, the dentist found a little cavity in the kid’s back baby tooth, and it made me feel like a failure as a parent. I didn’t get my first cavity until I was eighteen, and I swear, I ate way worse than my kid does, but still; how did this happen? No matter what the answer, at the end of the day, it’s the parent’s fault, right?. We approve everything she eats, make sure she brushes, and if we allow her to eat bad stuff and not really brush her teeth, that’s on us. But, I thought we were doing a really good job on this.

    Maybe it was a reality check. Maybe we do suck at this parenting thing. Maybe we need to work a little harder.

    But what I think really bothers me is that I didn’t do my job correctly, and she might have to suffer for that. I know it’s just a little cavity… It still feels like I failed.