Category: Life

  • Still Dealing with the Emotions

    Today is the third anniversary of my mother’s death. It felt a little different this year. See, when I cross into October, I start to feel this change in me. I start to feel solemn and, well, just sad about everything. A blanket of sadness falls over me. I’m not upset, or angry, maybe melancholy is a better way to describe it.

    Now, I say it felt different this year because I don’t feel the weight of it on everything today. The past two years, I didn’t want to do anything, just be left alone. This year, I can function without being dragged down. I can think of my mother without feeling like I’m going to fall apart, and I can even think about the silly things she would say and do. That is different from last year. I think this day will always have a despondent feeling to it, and that’s okay.

    What I did think about today was how I knew she was going to die even though no one would say that she was dying. She was in the hospital and each day she was getting worse. Dad kept telling me that it wasn’t time to come home, that she could still improve. We all knew it wasn’t true, and I didn’t know what I should be doing.

    So, one day when I left work, and the office was in lower Manhattan, around Wall Street, I just started walking up Broadway listening to music. I walked through the Financial District, through the Civic Center, SOHO, The Village, to Union Square, to the Flatiron District, to Koreatown, the Garment District and stopped at Times Square. About two hours and three and a half miles. It was getting dark when I took the subway home.

    That was a helpless moment; walking and not wanting to get anyplace.

  • Memories of Apple Picking

    When the wife and I were dating, we never went apple picking. Around here, it’s an easy “Cute Date” you can have. You know, rent a car, go upstate, dress in flannel and sweaters, take lots of pictures that involve hugging while holding apples. We used to make fun of people who did it.

    Then time passed, we had a kid, and my parents came to visit one year in the Autumn, and as we were trying to think of things to do with them, we went apple picking. And it was fun. Holding a plastic bag, pulling apples off a tree, walking around eating them, and talking. Talking with my Mom while she held her granddaughters’ hand.

    When my parents came to visit, none of us had any idea that we had limited time left. I mean, you never really know that. You never know that, that goodbye, might just be the last goodbye. My Mom wanted to come back in the Autumn again, to apple pick, to look at the foliage. It just didn’t work out that way.

    And so, when Fall rolled around, we headed out to the farm, to pick the apples, like all the other people from the City. This year, we brought the dog, which was a nice change up. We got out the plastic bags, I put on my flannel, and the wife wore a sweater. We picked apples, and tasted them, and talked. And I took pictures, so, you know, we can keep the memories alive.

  • ODDS and ENDS: Facebooks is Alcohol, Bad Art Friend, and Gravy Recipe

    “Odds and Ends” is my continuing series of random thoughts and follow ups…

    I am clearly going to say I told you so, even though we all agreed beforehand, and I really wasn’t the first person to say this either… Everything is Facebooks fault. Every evil in the last twenty years, the root of it all goes back to them. Is that true? Not really, and I don’t believe it. But I believe the better way to think of Facebook is like alcohol. See, alcohol doesn’t make someone an asshole, but that person might have had a little bit of asshole in them that they could control before they started drinking. The alcohol just heightens their assholiness. And also, like alcohol, the more an asshole drinks, the more of an asshole they become, and sadly then they can’t stop drinking nor remember what life was like being a non-asshole. That was a long way to go to basically say alcohol companies need alcoholics to stay profitable. Check out the story from The Guardian, if you don’t believe me.

    Just read the story. There are so many takeaways from this piece, it’s hard to put it in one post. It’s about a writing group, but really, I see it as a story about how awful and needy people can be, especially creative people.

    And I have a gravy recipe that I am very proud of.

    Ingredients:

    1. 1/4 cup butter
    2. 1/4 cup All-purpose flour
    3. 1 cup chicken stock
    4. 1/4 cup cream
    5. ½ a teaspoon dried thyme
    6. Salt and Pepper to taste.

    Instructions:

    • On low heat, melt 1/4 cup of butter in a sauce pan.
    • Sprinkle 1/4 cup of all-purpose flour into the melted butter and stir this roux continuously for about 5 minutes.
    • Take 1 cup of chicken stock, and whisk into the roux, a little at a time, until well blended.
    • Whisk in 1/4 cup of cream, until well blended.
    • Add ½ a teaspoon of dried thyme, as well as salt and pepper to taste. Again, whisk it all together.
    • Simmer gravy until desired consistency.

  • The Weekday Morning New York

    I do the grocery shopping for my family. I sort of like it. And when I say sort of, it is a taxing errand that has to be accomplished each week. Carrying two heavy grocery bags from the Upper West Side Trader Joe’s to Harlem isn’t the easiest, even with using the subway. My shoulders and elbows hurt. The part I do like is the time to myself, and I get to listen to my music. Little silver linings but necessary ones.

    As a stay at home parent, I do all of this after I drop the kid off at school. As I observed, I am one of the younger people at the Trader Joe’s. Sure, there are some young creative professionals there, as well as the kids who work at night, but really, the store is full of retired people. I would also say that this group covers a gamut of ages too; newly retired 65’s to one guy who had a WWII Navy Veteran ballcap on which lead me to believe that he was 90+.

    And now that the world is sort of getting back to normal, and I’m beginning to relax into this new life style, I am beginning to see the different people who occupy the same space in the City, but at different times. I had worked, pretty much, a 9 to 5 existence at my day job for ten years, so that was the New York City I encountered; Professional people commuting, eating, and commuting again, Monday through Friday. My Trader Joe experience used to be with other professionals shopping on their way home from work. Now I’m with people who don’t work. Same city, but different world.

  • ODDS and ENDS: Autumn Traditions, Fantasy Football, and Facebook Knew

    “Odds and Ends” is my continuing series of random thoughts and follow ups…

    It’s Autumn, and not fake “I Want It to Be Autumn So I Put on A Sweater But It’s 80 Degrees Outside” Autumn. It is in the 60’s and leaves are starting to change. Which means in our home, we’re going apple picking soon! This is the cheesiest tradition we have in our house. I mean, I do love it, but it is cheesy. We drive way the hell upstate to find some out of the way farm that isn’t too crowded, and go crazy picking and eating apples. The kid can only take about an hour of it, but for the first thirty minutes, we all behave as if we are some sort of apple expert, deciding how many of each variety we want. But I love it. And this year, I promise I won’t make the same old line about how we’re paying the farmer to his job. No more of that Dad Joke.

    Just for the record, I have a pretty good team in my fantasy football league. Now, I admit that I had nothing to do with my teams’ selection, as I let the computer auto draft my players. But man! I’m like Stephen A. Smith around here! I do know everything!

    Yup, Facebook knew. We all know this. Facebook knew what it was doing; how awful social media could be to democracy, and mental health, and all of it. But we all still use social media. Will the whistleblower who will talk on 60 Minutes on Sunday, and Congress on Tuesday, change people’s behavior? Sadly, I doubt it.