Category: Life

  • Nighttime, My Brain Won’t Shut Off

    I went through a brief period where I was sleeping okay, but now I have returned to not sleeping. I get about five hours of sleep a night. I have cut out snacking, screen time, and nightcaps, but it really doesn’t help. What also doesn’t help is that PLUTO TV has an MST3k channel, but late at night they do show “Manhunt in Space” and “The Wild Wild World of Batgirl,” way too often, which, even for MST3k, are pretty unwatchable episodes. Anyway, I have tried melatonin, and that can help me get to sleep for a couple of hours, but then I will make up again.

    I’m having trouble shutting off my mind. I have tried several different tricks, but nothing is really working. I’m good in the day time; I can stay upbeat and focused, get my work done and support the family. But once I start getting ready for bed, all the doubts and regrets, and fears come alive. To be honest, I cannot remember the last time I had a solid good night’s sleep, but I know at one point I did. All of this leads to the feeling of malaise, and the phrase that I keep saying to myself that, “I haven’t been myself in a long time.”

    In my mind, I feel like I have been this way for three years, but just know when I looked at a calendar, I realize that I have been saying this for three year, so in actuality, it’s been six years. Maybe five. I didn’t start not feeling myself over night, but I did feel myself being pulled away from who I am back then.

    I took a job that I was qualified for, but didn’t want to do, and they paid me too much money to do it. I take responsibility for my actions, and in the short run it helped out my family get out of a financial hole, but in the end, I got good at something that I didn’t like doing. (I was warned not to do that in college.) And I haven’t forgiven myself for that. I feel it was that decision that has led me to where I am sitting right now.

    I wish I was one of those people who could let things go, be a goldfish, but I’m not.

    Well… I’m not right now.

    Even as I write this, I feel very edgy, that even tapping a finger on the memories of the past six years will send me down a spiral of negative thoughts, that I won’t be able to pull myself out of.

    Because all of my emotional roads lead back, not to that job, but losing my mother. That happened in the middle of everything, and it’s, just, derailed me.

    Now, I’m not sure what I need do to deal with all of this, but what I think I should do is just keep trying to find a creative way to channel these emotions. And I do, with this, and all the other things I try.

    But, I would really like to sleep at night.

  • ODDS and ENDS: Christmas Shopping, Genesis, and Bitcoin Value

    ODDS and ENDS is my continuing series of random thoughts and follow ups…

    We have heeded the words of the economists about the supply chain and have ordered all of the kid’s Christmas gifts, so in a sense, we are done shopping for her. We just have to wait for everything to be delivered, which looks like it will be by Thanksgiving. That just leaves shopping for me and the wife. This will be the second year where we are buying gifts for ourselves, and I have to admit, I prefer it. We set a budget for each of us, and we won’t be disappointed. There is still a little wiggle room for each of us to get a little something for the other, which keeps it a little fun with a surprise on Christmas morning.

    I know nothing about Peter Gabriel era Genesis. I can say that I had no idea that Peter Gabriel was in Genesis until in 1991 or 1992 when Charlie Campbell informed me of this information. I was at Charlie’s house to talk about recording a cable public access show, and we started talking about music we liked, and that’s when he dropped the truth nugget that her preferred Peter Gabriel Genesis, as Phil Collins Genesis was a bunch of sell outs. Even with this knowledge, I never went and listened to Gabriel’s Genesis. Well, until today, when that memory popped into my head, and I have Spotify, so… Selling England By the Pound is the album of the day.

    As of this moment, my Bitcoin has gone down in value. I have lost $2.17, or a -6.2% evaluation. And I was hoping to buy a cup of coffee with my earnings, but now I owe Bitcoin a coffee.

  • ODDS and ENDS: William Holden Essay, Ted Lasso Season 2, and House in the Country

    “ODDS and ENDS” is my continuing series of random thoughts and follow ups…

    This morning when I was sitting in the car waiting for the street sweeper (No, this is not about parking in NYC) I read this really good essay in today’s NYTimes. It is called, “The Many Deaths of William Taught Me How To Be Anxious,” by Alexander Aciman. It made me laugh out loud, and I could identify with trying to raise a kid, and make her aware of the dangers around her, without trying to scare her. What it also reminded me of was, towards the end of summer, a particular awful thunderstorm rolled through the City. Hell, it might have been the one that caused all the flooding. Anyway, in the morning, I was walking the kid to the local park, and as we passed a row of trees, I heard this great crunching and crashing sound. I grabbed the kid’s hand, and we took off running, and what collapsed behind us was a huge tree branch, that I am sure if it landed on us would have caused serious injuries. I tried to explain the danger to the kid, but she just thought it was fun. So, I understand creating an avatar of many deaths.

    I have started watching Ted Lasso, Season 2. It started out uneven, but seems to have righted itself. I mean, nothing can be as magical as that first season, but I am enjoying the characters and what conflict and growth can be brought to them. I was supposed to wait for my wife, but I know full well I will watch it all over again. It’s like watching a Marvel Movie; each episode is packed full of little details that are fun to discover.

    I have set a few goals for myself. Some I have achieved, others I’m still a million miles from. Yesterday, I said one out loud, and I think I mean it. I want to buy an old farm house, in upstate New York. And I mean, like a real old farm house; three bedrooms, one bath, and a root cellar – that kind of thing. It’s the first time in three years that I said that I want to leave New York City. I mean, it has to be good for the kid, as there is no point in moving to the middle of the woods if the schools suck and she has no friends. But, I have no idea how to achieve this, but I don’t see why that’s a barrier.

  • That Song Triggers That Memory

    I went grocery shopping this morning. It is one of the rare moments in my week where I can listen to music uninterrupted. I take the subway down to the Trader Joe’s on 93rd, and there is a little bit of a walk. Early in the morning, after the kids are in school, and people have left for work, there aren’t many folks on the street, so I can jam out to my music; I can get it.

    And as I was riding the subway home with my bags, my playlist randomly gave me “Bye Bye Love,” by The Cars. I have heard this song since forever, and its hints of unrequited love made it such a wonderful juxtaposition of a song, contrasting with its upbeat rock tempo.

    Not sure why, but I added it to a playlist in mid 2018, and listened to it quite heavily. In September 2018, I was visiting a friend from college and her husband in a rather cool Brooklyn apartment that was in a walkup building, and they had access to a rooftop garden. That kind’a cool apartment, you know? We were drinking, a lot, and started playing a game of finding videos and concerts on YouTube of songs we loved. I picked “Bye Bye Love,” from a club concerts The Cars played in 1979. I liked it, but not sure if it played well in the room.

    But the memory of what I was feeling in that moment is still attached with that song. I felt lonely, because my wife and daughter were 3,000 miles away in California. I felt paralyzed as I was supposed to be packing up our apartment for our move to California, but I couldn’t get myself to do it. I was about to start rehearsals for what would be the last show I worked on, which had me excited to see my friends who I love and I am amazed by. And I couldn’t shake the feeling of doom, as my mother had cancer, and I knew she wouldn’t recover.

    My college friend lost her father when she was younger, and I knew if there was a friend who could understand what I was feeling, it would be her. And I think of her as one of my close friends, but I couldn’t talk about it. I just lied. I said it was looking better, and we have to believe in hope, and all that stuff. But I didn’t mean it. I said the thing I thought was expected. I didn’t tell the truth.

    I don’t hate listening to “Bye Bye Love,” or The Cars. Sometimes that memory and feeling doesn’t settle over me when I hear it. Some days, I’m okay when I think of my mother’s passing. And then one day, I hear a song, and it all comes back to me while on a B train, heading uptown.

  • ODDS and ENDS: The Subway, Aaron Rodgers, and I’m Not Talking About Tottenham This Week

    “ODDS and ENDS” is my continuing series of random thoughts and follow ups…

    Riding on the subway sucks right now. I keep on thinking that I am going to get comfortable with it, but it still makes me anxious. Though I am vaccinated, I still don’t like people getting near me when I am in a car. And I especially don’t like unmasked people being around me. Then, the kappa donna is when I ride with the kid. I become super edgy with people, and try to get as far away from them as possible, in an attempt to keep my kid safe. I know that when she gets vaccinated, which will be soon, some of these feelings will ease up. But as of now, it’s like a necessary evil to get around the city.

    So… Aaron Rodgers was having so much fun because he was fooling everyone. Or he was all hyped up on B-12 shots. Either way, nice try Rodgers…

    Tottenham has a new manager, and barely got past Vitesse in their Europa Conference match. Sure, it was Conte’s first time leading the team, but looks like they have the same old problems that a manager can’t change. Spur’s defense is awful, and that’s where the fix needs to happen. I think between Lucas, Son and Kane, goal scoring is taking care of. They just need to stop the other side, and get the ball back on transition. (I sort of sound like I know what I am talking about.) Tottenham play Everton this weekend, and I don’t see them pulling it off. But… I’ll be there with my scarf on, watching them play.