Category: Life

  • I Wrote a Blog Today

    Not very inspired.

    I have been trying to think of a subject to write about, and I just couldn’t come up with something that would inspire me. Often, I can come up with an idea while walking the kid to school, but not this morning. We were running late, and had to rush, so we didn’t really get a chance to have one of those cute father/daughter conversations.

    I thought that while doing laundry something would strike me, but not really. I just folded laundry and watched First Take.

    I planned for dinner, which will be a sheet-pan meal from the NYTimes Cooking Page. I’m going to add a side of rice, and make a butter lemon sauce to round out the whole thing.

    The only thing of note, when it comes to the blog, is that some people came by today and read my short story review of “Detective Dog” by Gish Jen. In fact, more people read it today than when I originally posted it. I wonder if it was Gish Jen?

    I think this post is falling into the category of “keeping up the quota.” I made the rule that I need to post one blog a day, Monday through Friday. So, no matter what, I have to put something up. Clearly, this isn’t one that will make the book.

    Oh, did I mention that one day all of these blog will be published in a book. Well, not all of them. Just a select few, like a greatest hits. But then, several years later, a book will be published that will contain all of the blogs, and that will be more like a collector’s edition, unabridged version. Now, thinking about it, yes, I guess this blog will eventually be published, so I guess, this one does make the book.

    If you made it this far I the blog, then I congratulate you. That shows a level of dedication to a very half-baked concept that I am making up on the fly, to justify my existence, and to also give myself a feeling of accomplishment.

    I’ll do better tomorrow.

  • What Defines Us

    Some people are great at coming up with a tagline for themselves, or a witty one liner that can define who they are. I love Roxane Gay’s Twitter Profile which says, “I want a tiny baby elephant. You clap, I clap back.” Man, that shit is awesome. I feel like I now know that she is funny, and don’t fuck with her.

    In the marketing world, there is the 15 second “elevator pitch,” which I always felt I sucked at. I was never able to concisely say to someone what I was all about, so they could feel comfortable and understand who I was. I felt like I was more like a tv show; you needed to get about three episodes in before I started to get good and become worth your time.

    I say all of this because last night I looked at my Twitter profile, specifically my tagline; “Theater, Pictures, and Words… Just Not In That Order.” I mean, it’s always been a placeholder until I came up with something better… because it sucks, you know.

    But what really stuck in my craw and bothered me most was the first word, “Theatre.”

    I haven’t done a show in three years. Does that word even apply to me anymore? Also, I haven’t perused any theatre work in two years. I’m not sure that word defines me.

    Now, if my puppetry friends and colleagues were to call me up and ask me to help out on a show, I would be there is a heartbeat. Yet, I can fully admit that I would be there for them, because they are my friends, and I believe in their talent and creativity.

    I think the passion for theatre has gone out of me. For twenty years, it was that thig that burned in me, that I thought about, and wanted to experience, and know about and discover new ideas about, and meet people who are trying new things in theatre. I don’t feel that now.

    When I hear about friends in shows, I do want to go out and see them, and support them. Or I see that the show that they are working on is opening, or started rehearsal, or is casting, or whatever; I am excited for them. But, I don’t feel the desire to do that career anymore.

    In fact, when I think about a theatre career, I feel like I have broken up with it. Like, “It’s not you, theatre. It’s me.”

    To be honest, this isn’t the first time I have felt like this. I was crazy passionate about theatre from like 15 to about 20. I was a high school theatre nerd, and when I first went away to college. I wrote plays, and acted, and directed, and was way too dramatic for my own good. And then one day, when I was at the University of North Texas, I just didn’t want to do it anymore, so I dropped out of school. In the meantime, I wrote, I worked shitty jobs, tried my hand as a sort of a roadie for a friend’s band, I explored playing drums in a band, and really just farted around with my friends.

    And then one of my friends went back to college, and joined the theatre department. I made friends with his theatre friends, by drinking at the same bar. Then one day while drinking with the theatre people, they told me they had a class project and were one actor short. “You used to act; can you help us out?” they asked. And I did. And it was so much fun.

    And I went back to school, and became a theatre major again. I had a really great time, and made some amazing friends. And I moved to New York City to have a theatre career, and married my wife, and had a kid. And here I am.

    So, I don’t know. Maybe this is a phase. Maybe this feeling is my new reality. Maybe looking back at it all, theatre still does define who I am.

    I do need to come up with a better tagline, though.

  • ODDS and ENDS: Tottenham Red Flag, Cowboys Red Flag, and Sondheim

    ODDS and ENDS is my continuing series of random thoughts and follow ups…

    So, on Thanksgiving Day, as we were preparing our meal, I was able to sneak in and watch Tottenham play Mura in the Europa Conference. The match started out awful with the Spurs giving up a goal in the 11th minute, and then a red card left them down a player. But, finally, Harry Kane showed up and secured an equalizer, and it looked like Tottenham might just squeak by. And then, they gave up a goal in stoppage time, and well… First of all, credit to Mura for playing like their lives depended on it. As for Tottenham… same old problem; they just can’t get out of their own way, nor play solid for the last ten minutes of a match. I fear that the rest of this season will be an act of long suffering.

    Later in the day I moved on to the Cowboy against the Raiders, and though it was an exciting game, I am starting to get worried about Dallas. Las Vegas is a good team, and I didn’t expect it to be an easy, but right now, Dallas is just lost when they play a good team. Dak is struggling, and it’s like Elliot just can’t run anymore. Maybe it’s the offensive line’s fault, but sure isn’t the defenses’ fault. Dallas has six games left, and they only play one team with a winning record, so the odds that they will end the season 12-5 is very high. But when it comes to the playoffs, I don’t think they will make it out of the first round.

    And then there is Sondheim. First, I had no idea he was 91. I thought he was like 75. Second, I’m not going to say anything more profound than the outpouring of comments from his friends, and fans. But what I would like to say is what I find so impressive about him is that he inspired so many people to try their hand at writing a musical. Sure, having a huge body of work is impressive, and an amazing achievement, but I think inspiring people is more impressive, and important. Writing a musical is damn near impossible, and getting one made is even harder. Having lived here in New York, I have met so many people who have moved here to compose their musical. Sondheim’s name always showed up on their list of influential people, and then they would tell me this story of listening to the cast recording of one of his shows, which made them say, “I want to do that.” That, to me, is an impressive testament to his legacy.

  • The Thanksgiving Blog

    When it comes to prepping for Thanksgiving, we have our own family tradition, which is me running around like a madman on the final days leading up to the meal, trying to get the last of everything. The first year I did this, in 2006, it was snowing as I ran around Harlem on Thanksgiving Day, looking for a place that would sell cooking twine. (I found it at a dollar store.) This week has been no different, and it’s kept my mind off other things, which is good.

    This morning I had to head out to Whole Foods on Lenox and 125th. It is only a 15-minute walk from our apartment, and today I felt like I should take my time and not rush. I have been scurrying all week, and that hasn’t been making me feel better so I thought, taking it easy, and looking around might be worth a shot.

    And I did. I walked along 126th, and went by the stage door for the Apollo Theater, and wonder what crazy shit has happened at that spot. That took me to the Alhambra Ballroom, which was a venue that Dizzy, Monk, Coltrane all played at one point. When I was on the northwest corner of Lenox and 125th, I thought about how Lou Reed sang about buying drugs on this corner. Now, it has a Whole Food and a CVS. A lot can change in 50 years.

    Heading home, I walked along 123rd to look at the brownstones, and I thought about the family gatherings that were underway, or about to begin. With the exception of three, me and the wife have spent every Thanksgiving in Harlem. It really is a wonderful neighborhood, this little corner of Manhattan which we have made our home, and started a family in. Nothing feels like home, and it was good to remind myself of that.

    This will most likely be it from me for this week. I don’t plan on putting a blog up tomorrow, and it really depends on how I feel on Friday, but odds are I won’t. So, as we all celebrate tomorrow, I hope that you all have a good and Happy Thanksgiving!

  • Nighttime, My Brain Won’t Shut Off

    I went through a brief period where I was sleeping okay, but now I have returned to not sleeping. I get about five hours of sleep a night. I have cut out snacking, screen time, and nightcaps, but it really doesn’t help. What also doesn’t help is that PLUTO TV has an MST3k channel, but late at night they do show “Manhunt in Space” and “The Wild Wild World of Batgirl,” way too often, which, even for MST3k, are pretty unwatchable episodes. Anyway, I have tried melatonin, and that can help me get to sleep for a couple of hours, but then I will make up again.

    I’m having trouble shutting off my mind. I have tried several different tricks, but nothing is really working. I’m good in the day time; I can stay upbeat and focused, get my work done and support the family. But once I start getting ready for bed, all the doubts and regrets, and fears come alive. To be honest, I cannot remember the last time I had a solid good night’s sleep, but I know at one point I did. All of this leads to the feeling of malaise, and the phrase that I keep saying to myself that, “I haven’t been myself in a long time.”

    In my mind, I feel like I have been this way for three years, but just know when I looked at a calendar, I realize that I have been saying this for three year, so in actuality, it’s been six years. Maybe five. I didn’t start not feeling myself over night, but I did feel myself being pulled away from who I am back then.

    I took a job that I was qualified for, but didn’t want to do, and they paid me too much money to do it. I take responsibility for my actions, and in the short run it helped out my family get out of a financial hole, but in the end, I got good at something that I didn’t like doing. (I was warned not to do that in college.) And I haven’t forgiven myself for that. I feel it was that decision that has led me to where I am sitting right now.

    I wish I was one of those people who could let things go, be a goldfish, but I’m not.

    Well… I’m not right now.

    Even as I write this, I feel very edgy, that even tapping a finger on the memories of the past six years will send me down a spiral of negative thoughts, that I won’t be able to pull myself out of.

    Because all of my emotional roads lead back, not to that job, but losing my mother. That happened in the middle of everything, and it’s, just, derailed me.

    Now, I’m not sure what I need do to deal with all of this, but what I think I should do is just keep trying to find a creative way to channel these emotions. And I do, with this, and all the other things I try.

    But, I would really like to sleep at night.