Blog

  • Trouble Sleeping, Some Anxiety

    I have been having trouble sleeping of late. The other night was pretty bad. It took a while for me to get tired, and then when I did go to bed, I couldn’t stay asleep. It felt like I was waking up every thirty minutes or so. The thought that kept replaying in my head was that I wouldn’t be able to get a job when everything gets better, because I will need to get a job. We can get by on one income, but we can’t get ahead unless I bring in some money.

    I keep thinking that I am not going to get a job because I’m too old. And I kept thinking that I am not going to get a job, because I don’t have any useful skills. And I kept feeling worse and worse about myself. It created a downward spiral of negative thought, that I just couldn’t shake.

    And then I went to a very dark place. It wasn’t so much a specific memory, but more of recalling a deep emotional feeling. I started to relive the emotions of the time period when my mother was dying, and the complete lack of sympathy I received from my co-workers. (To make this quick, the place that I worked wanted me to quit to save money, so two co-workers took it upon themselves to bully and harass me so that I would leave. And yes, I did go to HR and they said there was nothing they could do.) It was difficult to deal with the emotions of losing my mother, while also having to survive eight hours of isolation and intimidation. It was a one-two punch that was miserable, and depressingly lonely. I am very fortunate that I have my wife, family, and friends, as without them, I don’t think I would have survived that period.

    I like to think of myself as a mentally well-adjusted and fit person. That was an awful period of time, but I did come out on the other side with a better relationship with my wife, and father, and family, and friends. And all of that was due to talking about it, and sharing, and making ourselves vulnerable which allowed healing. It’s still a work in progress, as there are bad days, like the other night. But… I know it will get better.

  • Ants

    It’s spring, and it seems like the world is slowly coming back to life. Flowers are blooming, trees are budding, and grass is greening. And bugs are back. In our tiny apartment, that means the ants are back.

    We get ants in the Spring. And I hate ants. These are stupid, little black ants, which are called Little Black Ant, annoy the shit out of me, especially their stupid, unoriginal name. They are easy to kill, and stop, but man, it’s like two weeks of those little bastards just showing up along the edge of the wall. The kid hates them, and also thinks the ants are out to get her. So, we have to have a calming down moment before she goes to bed to make sure she understands the ants aren’t after her.

    Stupid ants.

    Growing up in Texas, the fear was fire ants, as those assholes are awful. For every kid, there was always a moment when they accidently stood on, or fell on, or kicked a fire ant mound, and those evil guys swarmed, biting the hell out of you.

    I remember my dad buying fire ant killer at the local hardware store in the Spring to deal with them. The stuff he bought was a poison in the form of little yellow pellets that he would spread around the mound. The ants would think its food and bring it into the nest. Slowly, over the course of a week or two, the mound would die off, and a little pile dirt was left in the yard, like the ancient ruins of a civilization. I would dig up the dead mounds carefully, to see the tunnels that they had created. It was fascinating that little things could build such complexity.

  • This Morning with the Kid

    Some days are easier than others, you know. Today started off as a tough one for the kid. She was getting out of bed, when I went to take the dog for a walk. I could tell that she was still tired and a little grumpy. When I got back from the walk, there was a sulk on her. She was listening to her mother by getting dressed, and brushing her teeth, but the kid wasn’t into it. As my wife was putting the kid’s hair in a ponytail, the child was in a full frown. The kid went over to her desk, where her computer was to start her remote day in school, and just pout landed in her little chair.

    I went over to her, and picked her up, and just gave her a big hug. “Tough morning?” I asked.

    Her face was buried into my shoulder, but I could feel her head nodding a yes to my question.

    “Well,” I started, “today is going to get better.”

    She lifted her head to face me. “How do you know?” she asked.

    “I don’t. I just believe it will get better.”

    “Like a prediction?”

    “Sort of. But more like, I’m sure it’s going to happen.”

    “…okay.”

    I put her down, and she took her seat for the remote class. “Can we go to the park?” she asked.

    “Sure.” I confirmed.

    “Good,” the kid answered.

  • Sticking the Landing, And the Climax

    I have been kicking around this idea for novel for about two years in my head, but only in the last six months have I started to try to get some work on it done. Originally, I was not going to think too hard about the first draft, and just write the damn thing, and see what happens. (I had done this for the other two novels I have written, but let’s be honest here, that was 20 years ago, and they aren’t very good.) I got about three chapters into it, and then the thing petered out. I knew how I wanted it to start and the whole first act, and I knew what the second act would be, but the ending was still a little vague, and I wasn’t clear how I would connect the three acts. Then, I sucked it up, and did a rough outline of the book. It helped get the first and second act to work together, but the third is still unfocused, and all over the place.

    I found myself looking up at the ceiling last night, trying to get the thing to work in my mind. Maybe I should make it a bit of a literary parody of the type of protagonists that Roth, Ford, and Updike would have written? (You know, the overly sexual white guy who fails up.) It could be funny, but also a cheat to get an ending, as I would be, well, stealing one of theirs. Maybe I should stop working on it? Should I set it aside for a while, work on something else, and see if the absence will help me come up with an ending? Maybe doing this outlining work, thinking about the story is actually holding me back, as I am not actually writing it? Maybe I need to make the time and actually write it, and not this system of “pre-production” work of outlining… I don’t know.

    But getting it right, sticking the ending, when it comes to my writing, is not my strong suit. It seems like in all things, there should be some sort of exercise one could do, to work on this skill. I see lots of writing workshops on how to outline, or getting your idea out of your head on to paper, or how to stop talking and start writing. But I haven’t seen any type of workshop that’s “How to End Your Story Strong.”

    Just an idea.

  • IKEA Sofa Beds, And Supply Chains

    See, we need to replace our sleeper-sofa, which is from IKEA (Have I mentioned I’m a little obsessed with that place?) and we have been having some issues with ordering a new one.

    As we live in a tiny New York City apartment, we only have so much room for a couch. Also, we want to have a sleeper sofa to allow us an extra sleeping space, just in case. You know, if one of us were to get sick, or the fact that I snore and the wife kicks me out of bed, there will be another place to crash. Anyway, we need a very specific sleeper-sofa, which is FRIHETEN, and we could also deal with HOLMSUND.

    But as we tried to order one of the two sofas online, we kept getting the error message saying delivery was unavailable in our area. Then, when we went to the Elizabeth, NJ IKEA two weeks ago, they told us that they couldn’t guarantee delivery to us in Manhattan. I really didn’t understand their reasoning behind it, but what they offered was for us to book an appointment with their Design Center on the Upper East Side, as that place could order the sofa for us, and guarantee the delivery.

    Last night, we had our remote meeting with a person from the Design Center. She was very friendly, and tried to solve our delivery problem. What we found out is that the sofas we want, which are the only ones that will fit in our livingroom remember, are out of stock everywhere. None are available, and it is unclear when they will ever come back.

    Why? Because there is a foam shortage. Look what Furniture Today has to say about it. Seems like this has been building since last summer, and has been complicated by weather, and, this is my two cents, with everyone sitting at home. There has a been a rush of people wanting a better-quality sofa to sit their butts on, which means foam is in high demand.

    The pandemic is affecting the world in still new and surprising ways. But for us, we might have to go through Wayfair… which makes me feel a little dirty, like I’m betraying a friend.