Blog

  • Feeling Better

    I’m feeling better today. I was able to sleep last night, so I have to admit that all of the everything that was balled up in (the anxiety, short temper, loss of interest) was completely based on the impending surgery.

    And the surgery did go well. The kid was home before lunch, and she was feisty as ever. Her eye is bloodshot, and it does itch, which drives her insane as she can’t touch it, which is the only thing she wants to do. The other funny thing was that she refused to take a nap even though she was completely exhausted. (She gets that from me.) But when she went to bed, she crashed out, lost to the world. Until 6am, when she woke us up. Yeah…

    I am the caregiver today. The wife has meetings and is in the office with the door shut, while the kid and I are on the couch watching tv and movies. Well, I’m trying to read, and clearly, I am putting together a blog post. I know that I will need to make lunch and dinner later. Then, a doctor’s appointment to make sure that the kid’s eye is healing correctly. Somewhere in there, I think we’ll take a walk with the dog.

    And though I am feeling better today, I know that I’m still not back. I can feel my anxiety at the periphery of my vision. I’m still not sure what is the best path for me to take.

    What I do know is that right now, I need to be the best dad that I can be. There is a little copy of me on the couch trying to explain the plot of “Ghost Writer,” and that’s my focus for today.

  • Dredging

    So, I have been avoiding talking about a situation, and it has to do with my daughter. She is having an eye surgery today. Very minor, adjusting the muscles in her right eye to help alignment, and to improve vision. This is, in fact, the second time she has had an operation on her eyes. Back in September 2020, both eyes were adjusted, and we thought that would be the end of it. But there was a 5% chance that we’d be back.

    I didn’t write about this before because I didn’t want to over share about my daughter’s life. But, I share so many other things about her, and not that it gives me license to share everything that happens to her… I’m proud of my kid, and this is an operation that is common and nothing to be ashamed of. She was afraid when the first surgery came around, and she sure as hell wasn’t happy about having to have a second operation, but she faced her fears, and moved forward.

    I, on the other hand, have been not at my best. I haven’t been sleeping, or eating right, and I also have been a little short tempered as well. This second surgery has been our radar since September, and I admit that I have been avoiding thinking about it. I’m not a piece of shit dad, as I read all the pre-surgery information, schedule all the appointments, and checkups, and got the kid her Covid test, and all of that stuff. I was there for the kid whenever she wanted to talk about it, and I tried my best to listen to what she was saying and not just dismiss her concerns.

    I was trying to be brave for everybody, and not think or dwell on what I was feeling. I understand that there are moments when being a parent you have to put the kid’s wellbeing before your own. And now that we are on the other side of her surgery (She just got out of the OR and is in recovery with her mother,) all of my emotions are coming up.

    The first is that I couldn’t be there. Thanks to Covid, only one parent is allowed in the hospital, so, again, I had to sit out. This left me at home, with my computer, thinking about all of this. Too much time to sit around and think, and though I know the chance of complications from the operation are minimal, not being there still makes me feel helpless, and useless.

    And hospitals, and feeling helpless and useless just dregs up the old feeling of my mother slowly dying in a hospital. These two situations have nothing in common other than a hospital, but it’s there. When hospitals are mentioned, it pops right up. And it’s not the memories of my mother dying that show up, it’s the emotions which feel draped over me like an ugly sweater.

    With that feeling of helplessness all around me, I started reliving all the mistakes that I have made over the past five years. Like, really litigating and flagellating myself. Really punishing myself for not living up who I should be for my wife and kid. Reliving mistakes I made in my career, and moments when I should have stood up for myself, or told that guy off, or just walked away. Then I really started punishing myself for not being smart enough, or talented enough, or wasting all the opportunities that I have had in this life.

    And all of this is because my kid is having a minor eye surgery?

    I might be a little depressed.

    Being upset that your child has to have an operation; that’s understandable.

    Thinking that I am the worst human on the planet because my kid is having an operation? Something seems out of whack.

    And I have been avoiding talking about this. I was trying to be brave for the wife and kid, but if any stress comes my way, and my reaction is to do the minimum and hate myself, then I am not handling it in a healthy way. And in the end, I’m not being a good father or husband.

    The good news is that the wife texted me and the kid is awake and eating ice cream. They should be home in a bit, and I promised to make chicken noodle soup.

    I got a lot of work to do.

  • Explaining Dead Rock Stars

    One of the many things that is very cool about having a six-year-old is that she is now getting interested into the music the wife and I like, and grew up with. This is a huge relief because I am very happy to be ditching “kiddie songs.” And I’ll take a stand on this one too; Kiddie Songs suck. There! Said it, and I’m not ashamed, and I’ll deal with the push back. Seriously, parents hate it, and kid eventually grow to hate it, so how can you call it good when at some point everyone hates it.

    Just saying…

    Now, the kid is getting into music, and we’re her guide. I have spent time sharing The Beatles with her, and she’s asked lots of questions. I had to explain to her that John was killed, and George died of cancer, so like in all life, she understands even musicians die, but we can still listen to the music they made. It has spurred a funny question anytime we listen to music she thinks is old, which is that she will ask us if the artist is dead, or if the band broke up.

    Last night, the wife was sharing Dolly Parton’s greatest hits, and the conversation came up about how Dolly writes songs, and other people will sing them. “Like who?” the kid asked, and we played the Whitney Houston version of “I Will Always Love You.” Oh, and the kid really liked that, so we started playing other Whitney Houston songs.

    And then the question came, “Is she still alive?” We told her the truth of how Whitney Houston died of a drug overdose, which I know doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to the kid, as she asked, “Why do people do things that hurt themselves?”

    Ah…. And then I know, that just about all the music you love was made by people using a lot of drugs. You know, like you shouldn’t do cocaine, but it seemed to help out Fleetwood Mac. It’s a sticky conversation, and I know this will come up again as she starts finding music she likes. We are starting to find the gray areas in life that are hard to explain.

  • The Holidays Are Here

    To start with, my Total Crypto Return is $1.89. I invested $34.69, and my return rate is 5.45%. With my extra cash, I can buy a pack of gum, and hope to one day, be able to buy a cup of coffee.

    Speaking of buying stuff…

    I have to admit that it is Christmas Time, and I really don’t like saying that before Thanksgiving. I know this to be true because we started buying the kid’s Christmas gifts, and we hope to have all of the shopping done in the next week. If this is true, and we can pull this off, then this will be the earliest we have ever been ready. Thanks, supply chain issues!

    And I already am beginning to feel the stress of the Holidays. For us, and I think for most parents as well, the “Holidays” start as soon as we hit October. It’s Halloween to New Years, but with the kid’s birthday is in January, it is a four-month marathon of decorations, costumes, candy, sweets, indulgence and a little gluttony, gifts, toasts, alcohol, and ends with the planning of party. It’s a lot.

    I’m not complaining, as we get to make great memories with our daughter, and the Holidays in New York are pretty special and magical. The cliché is true, experiencing Christmas through your kid’s eyes is stupidly fun. You can still have the time of your life, and be exhausted at the end of it.

  • ODDS and ENDS: William Holden Essay, Ted Lasso Season 2, and House in the Country

    “ODDS and ENDS” is my continuing series of random thoughts and follow ups…

    This morning when I was sitting in the car waiting for the street sweeper (No, this is not about parking in NYC) I read this really good essay in today’s NYTimes. It is called, “The Many Deaths of William Taught Me How To Be Anxious,” by Alexander Aciman. It made me laugh out loud, and I could identify with trying to raise a kid, and make her aware of the dangers around her, without trying to scare her. What it also reminded me of was, towards the end of summer, a particular awful thunderstorm rolled through the City. Hell, it might have been the one that caused all the flooding. Anyway, in the morning, I was walking the kid to the local park, and as we passed a row of trees, I heard this great crunching and crashing sound. I grabbed the kid’s hand, and we took off running, and what collapsed behind us was a huge tree branch, that I am sure if it landed on us would have caused serious injuries. I tried to explain the danger to the kid, but she just thought it was fun. So, I understand creating an avatar of many deaths.

    I have started watching Ted Lasso, Season 2. It started out uneven, but seems to have righted itself. I mean, nothing can be as magical as that first season, but I am enjoying the characters and what conflict and growth can be brought to them. I was supposed to wait for my wife, but I know full well I will watch it all over again. It’s like watching a Marvel Movie; each episode is packed full of little details that are fun to discover.

    I have set a few goals for myself. Some I have achieved, others I’m still a million miles from. Yesterday, I said one out loud, and I think I mean it. I want to buy an old farm house, in upstate New York. And I mean, like a real old farm house; three bedrooms, one bath, and a root cellar – that kind of thing. It’s the first time in three years that I said that I want to leave New York City. I mean, it has to be good for the kid, as there is no point in moving to the middle of the woods if the schools suck and she has no friends. But, I have no idea how to achieve this, but I don’t see why that’s a barrier.