Author: Matthew Groff

I got up this morning and I did something I shouldn’t have… I went on social media and looked at what all my friends are up to…

We all see where this is going…

So, now that I feel like my life is garbage, what do I do about it?

The first question I have to ask is, even though I feel like my life is garbage, is my life actually garbage?

No, my life is not garbage. I am leading a very good life. Always room for improvement, though.

The second question is, if my life is not garbage, then why did I let myself feel that way. The answer is that there is still a wide gulf between where my life is and where I would like it to be. And that frustration is heightened when I see people doing well, which I at weak moments, comes out as jealousy.

I am human, and I am still weak.

I was told once that when you get mad and frustrated, that means you actually want to make a change.

Which also reminds me that my Grandma used to say, you are allowed one day to be mad, then you have to make changes tomorrow.

So, I did. I looked at grad schools. I thought about changing jobs. I thought about all of the thing that I could do.

But nothing excites me right now.

That could be the sign of depression.

Or, that might also mean that all bets are on the table. I could explore anything, and go in any new direction.

I just have to keep trying.

I am very torn with what is happening in Korea and Trump right now. On one hand, I really would like there to be peace in the world and less nuclear weapons. On the other hand, I really don’t want Trump to succeed at anything. Such is the conundrum.

The same idea was brought up on Bill Maher this past Friday. If the economy continues to do well, as it has been doing, then historically, presidents win reelection. As Bill made his joke, that means I have to root for the economy to tank, and for people to suffer. Western democracy is saved, but more people live in poverty.

That I feel is the new world that we all live in. Everything is an extreme case, and that there is nothing to compromise for. All or nothing.

I am not one to believe that things will never be good again. I just know that things will be different. This is a time of change, a shift in the tectonic plates that hold our country together. It will be different from here on out. Will there be a stronger Congress? A more restrained presidential power? Will the states play a larger role in dictating the direction of the country?

Nothing last forever, and I firmly believe when something stops working, people form something that does work.

In the two above situations, I have to vote for Trump forging peace in Korea, and for democracy to succeed.

Not that I a comfortable with it…

This is going to be my third World Cup while living in NYC, and I am really excited about it. (Yes, it sucks that the USA isn’t playing this time around, but USA Men’s management screwed that squad. They got what the deserved, and I would prefer to watch the USA Women, anyway… My two cents…) It’s fun living in an international city, when something very international takes place, like the world cup. When whatever nation plays, on that day, you can spot those national flags out on people.

And fans pop up everywhere to watch the matches. There will be tv in windows of places you wouldn’t expect showing them. A dry cleaner in my friend’s neighborhood put up a tv so people can watch.

Last World Cup in NYC gave me a pretty great memory. A good friend had gotten their wisdom teeth out, and he had asked me and my wife to be the ones to pick him up from the oral surgeon, get him home, and get him to bed. After we had picked him up and gotten him home, he asked if we could get him a milk shake. Sure, not a problem.

The wife got on her phone and found a dinner around the corner that make milk shakes to go. So, we walked over, and when we came into the dinner, it was when Brazil and Chile were going into penalty kicks for their first-round knockout match. Everything the dinner ground to a halt for the kicks. Waiters, cooks, busboys, dishwashers, patrons had all gathered around the tv over the register to watch the shots. The agony when Chile fell behind in kicks, the joy when Brazil won that match. And then everyone went back to work. Like nothing had happened.

Playing music was and still is the one thing I wish I could do. I have tried several times, painfully, over and over again, and trying to get my head around playing an instrument. There was the cello in the 4^th grade (I cannot justify why I did that to myself), the trumpet in 7^th grade, guitar in high school, and drums in a garage band that never played a show. The last attempt was my best, but all of them were awful.

I can carry a tune, just not well. As with most people, I am just a frustrated musician.

When I think back on all the times that I tried to learn an instrument, I wanted it to be easy. I wanted to be the guys that picked it up and it just made sense, or that I picked it up and it happened. I think that is why I had the best success at drums. I could keep a beat. If I tried to get more complicated than that, that’s when I ran onto trouble.

Being immediate and in the moment, are still the two things that get me going when it comes to crating art. Like jazz, and the Beat writers, and Jackson Pollock’s painting, they are all arts of the moment of creation. Sure, practice is needed, but the art improvised. Playing off other artist, or music, or the emotional moment.

There was something that was in my head, and it seems to be gone now. I think it was a really good idea to write about.

I got the idea when I was running this morning. And when it popped into my head, I was like, that it something I should write about today. And I was confident that I could retain the idea…

Not really, and now I have to come up with something new.

So… I forget things now.

The first way to look at this is that I am over 40, and it really isn’t that uncommon for people of this age to start to have small lapses of short term memory. And that is the easy way to go, following that line of logic that just about everyone does.

I like to think I now have more shit to deal with, and there is just so much that a person can be expected to remember. When I was in my 20’s and didn’t do shit, sure, I remembered everything. Now that I am 40, with a wife, kid, career, finances, friends, and a host of other things pulling at me, sure I forget things.

Sure, I threw something away last night, then immediately asked my wife where was that thing I wanted to throw away. That’s just want happens to people who get shit done.

As long as I don’t forget my anniversary.