Author: Matthew Groff

  • Loss

    I found out about a month ago that a former work colleague had lost her mother after a very short illness. I found out the worst way possible; on FaceBook. I shared my condolences, but it felt hollow, and more like a public display, rather than a heartfelt statement of concern.

    When my mother passed, many people who I had very little contact with, some who I haven’t heard from in years, reached out to me. No one said anything that took my sadness or pain away, I appreciated that people reminded me that I wasn’t alone, and that life will won’t be the same, but it’s not darkness forever.

    I reached out to her in an email, and reminded her of the kindness that she showed me when my mother passed and offered support in any way that I can provide it.

    I know, from everything I have read about grief, that sharing your experiences, and making yourself available for others who are also going through the same thing, is one of the best ways to recover. There is part of me that feels like I am being selfish; that sharing pain is actually an unburdening on to a person that shouldn’t take on more. I know that’s not how I thought about it when it was happening to me, but with all of this time that has now passed, I feel self-conscious, and exposed with sharing. Maybe I haven’t healed as much as I thought I had.

    I just want my colleague knows that she isn’t alone, the same way she made me feel.

  • Sleep Stuff, Too

    The plan really hasn’t been working. I’m not going to be at a decent hour, and even if I fall asleep on the couch around eleven, it’s not restful and I still have to wake up and drag myself to bed, proper.

    Very annoying.

    I am still fighting this, though I don’t seem to be able to admit to myself why I am fighting myself. I would hate to think that I have something going on in my head that I consciously am unaware of.

    There is the little boy in me that just can’t go to bed. There isn’t an issue with my wife, such as we aren’t fighting about anything. Our jobs are a little stressful, but are jobs are always a little stressful.

    I did say that there was a psychological element to all of this, but now I am thinking that it might be bigger than I thought, and could be the dominate factor.

    I was able to cut out the extra and mindless eating, so that says to me that I can make changes, as the putting on of weight was a major factor in staring all of this.

    Just going to bed; To actually turn off the tv, shut off the lights, and go to bed, seems to be beyond me.

    It’s like I need to pass out, and not gradually take myself to bed.

    To create a bedtime routine, is that what I have to do?

    Yuck…

    Still working on it.

    Sort of…

  • Sleep

    I never said I was smart, but I have always hoped I would be one day.

    With all the changes that have come my way in the past year, I have noticed two major developments:

    1. I don’t sleep well
    2. I have put on 20 lbs.

    There are other things that have changed, and not necessarily for the better, but I have these two are the most important, should be addressed relatively soon, and interconnected.

    My sleep problems have become more severe over the year, I am up later, and I find my self mindlessly eating. (Ice cream and chips are my biggest weakness.) If I were to sleep better, then I wouldn’t be eating at 2am, right? That seems simple. I should be able to address this easily.

    And you can figure out that I haven’t been able to get my arms around this.

    I had been thinking that I don’t have enough time to get all the things done that I desire to do. I even said that to myself the other day as I ate chocolate ice cream and watched “Drunk History.”

    That’s when it started to dawn on me; it’s not the lack of time, it’s the bad management of time.

    There is a psychological factor here. Planning out my sleep, and all the other things in my life doesn’t feel fun, or spontaneous.

    But is being out of shape and having no energy, and watching my life pass me by fun and spontaneous?

    This will be a long slow process of getting my life back on track. I will have lots of setbacks, and screw ups, but when I woke up today, I had to admit that the way I am living now isn’t making me happy.

  • New Star Wars Trailer

    My kid is crazy into Star Wars right now. I hope it lasts the rest of her life, but I will take the enjoyment that we are both getting out of the movies. And books. And cartoons. And TV shows. And all of the other things that Disney wants to release.

    Just as it happens, last night I was watching a documentary on the making of the original trilogy, so seeing he new trailer this morning just made everything come full circle. And here I am, watching this new trailer that seems to be an attempt to tie all 9 movies together as one giant narrative. Regardless of how the last movie is, and it doesn’t really matter – we will all go and see it – there are now nine movies telling a story that everyone can’t seem to get enough of.

    Why do I keep coming back to Star Wars? Empire Strikes Back was the first movie I ever saw in the theatre at five years old. I can still remember the excitement and fear, and thrill of sitting in a packed theatre with my dad and brothers, sharing that experience of witnessing that movie. What I took away from that movie, and still take away from it, is that you always go to bat for your friends, and you have to face your fears.

    Loyalty and courage.

    And here is the new Star Wars trailer…

  • There Goes That Joke

    First, I acknowledge that with everything going on in the world, this is not a big deal.

    But

    Using the word “nasty” has been ruined.

    My wife and I are of the age when “Miss Jackson if you’re nasty!” was, and is, cool as shit. As a couple, it is used playfully, silly way. Such as, we are flipping channels and the wife comments that she hates that show, which I say, don’t be nasty, and you can guess what her response is, Miss Jackson if you’re nasty.

    And Trump has ruined it.

    We have both caught ourselves about to use the work jokingly with each other, and then we pull back. We don’t want to even use the same words as him, even if we both clearly recognize that the other is joking.

    I mean, we didn’t have this issue with, “binders full of women.”

    And I know that it will be coming in the news, because it is when any woman stands up to Trump, and clearly points out how stupid he is, that’s when the “nasty” word is rolled out. Like clock work.

    What I feel is that I don’t want to use “nasty” in any context now. To do so feels like I am empowering Trump’s use of the word against women.

    I also know this is a little silly, but it is the game with language; who can get to a word first and redefine it to their own purposes.

    Just sucks