Author: Matthew Groff

  • 9/11

    I think about the night before; at a bar with cast mates. We had finished a rehearsal for The Cherry Orchard, and by and far, we were drinking and getting to know each other as a cast. I was out too late, had too much to drink. I fell asleep with the TV on.

    I even slept through my alarm.

    I know this because I had set it for 7:30am, as I had a 9am class, and that would give me plenty of time to wake up, have a cup of coffee with breakfast, shower an by on my way to my “Intro to Theatre Costuming.” I crawled out of bed, about 7:50am. I went to the bathroom, and then walked past the TV, the TODAY SHOW was on, and went into the kitchen to get my cup of coffee. As I poured the coffee, that was the first time I heard what was being said on the TV, that a plane had crashed into a building in New York. I walked back into the living room to see what was happening. The time was 8:03am, as that was the moment that I watched the second plane crash into The South Tower. I sat down and didn’t move for close to a half hour. I remember thinking this can’t be real. This doesn’t happen in real life. I’m watching thousands of people die. This is wrong, but I can’t do anything to stop it. I was helpless.

    That’s what I remember.

  • Loss

    I found out about a month ago that a former work colleague had lost her mother after a very short illness. I found out the worst way possible; on FaceBook. I shared my condolences, but it felt hollow, and more like a public display, rather than a heartfelt statement of concern.

    When my mother passed, many people who I had very little contact with, some who I haven’t heard from in years, reached out to me. No one said anything that took my sadness or pain away, I appreciated that people reminded me that I wasn’t alone, and that life will won’t be the same, but it’s not darkness forever.

    I reached out to her in an email, and reminded her of the kindness that she showed me when my mother passed and offered support in any way that I can provide it.

    I know, from everything I have read about grief, that sharing your experiences, and making yourself available for others who are also going through the same thing, is one of the best ways to recover. There is part of me that feels like I am being selfish; that sharing pain is actually an unburdening on to a person that shouldn’t take on more. I know that’s not how I thought about it when it was happening to me, but with all of this time that has now passed, I feel self-conscious, and exposed with sharing. Maybe I haven’t healed as much as I thought I had.

    I just want my colleague knows that she isn’t alone, the same way she made me feel.

  • Sleep Stuff, Too

    The plan really hasn’t been working. I’m not going to be at a decent hour, and even if I fall asleep on the couch around eleven, it’s not restful and I still have to wake up and drag myself to bed, proper.

    Very annoying.

    I am still fighting this, though I don’t seem to be able to admit to myself why I am fighting myself. I would hate to think that I have something going on in my head that I consciously am unaware of.

    There is the little boy in me that just can’t go to bed. There isn’t an issue with my wife, such as we aren’t fighting about anything. Our jobs are a little stressful, but are jobs are always a little stressful.

    I did say that there was a psychological element to all of this, but now I am thinking that it might be bigger than I thought, and could be the dominate factor.

    I was able to cut out the extra and mindless eating, so that says to me that I can make changes, as the putting on of weight was a major factor in staring all of this.

    Just going to bed; To actually turn off the tv, shut off the lights, and go to bed, seems to be beyond me.

    It’s like I need to pass out, and not gradually take myself to bed.

    To create a bedtime routine, is that what I have to do?

    Yuck…

    Still working on it.

    Sort of…

  • Sleep

    I never said I was smart, but I have always hoped I would be one day.

    With all the changes that have come my way in the past year, I have noticed two major developments:

    1. I don’t sleep well
    2. I have put on 20 lbs.

    There are other things that have changed, and not necessarily for the better, but I have these two are the most important, should be addressed relatively soon, and interconnected.

    My sleep problems have become more severe over the year, I am up later, and I find my self mindlessly eating. (Ice cream and chips are my biggest weakness.) If I were to sleep better, then I wouldn’t be eating at 2am, right? That seems simple. I should be able to address this easily.

    And you can figure out that I haven’t been able to get my arms around this.

    I had been thinking that I don’t have enough time to get all the things done that I desire to do. I even said that to myself the other day as I ate chocolate ice cream and watched “Drunk History.”

    That’s when it started to dawn on me; it’s not the lack of time, it’s the bad management of time.

    There is a psychological factor here. Planning out my sleep, and all the other things in my life doesn’t feel fun, or spontaneous.

    But is being out of shape and having no energy, and watching my life pass me by fun and spontaneous?

    This will be a long slow process of getting my life back on track. I will have lots of setbacks, and screw ups, but when I woke up today, I had to admit that the way I am living now isn’t making me happy.

  • New Star Wars Trailer

    My kid is crazy into Star Wars right now. I hope it lasts the rest of her life, but I will take the enjoyment that we are both getting out of the movies. And books. And cartoons. And TV shows. And all of the other things that Disney wants to release.

    Just as it happens, last night I was watching a documentary on the making of the original trilogy, so seeing he new trailer this morning just made everything come full circle. And here I am, watching this new trailer that seems to be an attempt to tie all 9 movies together as one giant narrative. Regardless of how the last movie is, and it doesn’t really matter – we will all go and see it – there are now nine movies telling a story that everyone can’t seem to get enough of.

    Why do I keep coming back to Star Wars? Empire Strikes Back was the first movie I ever saw in the theatre at five years old. I can still remember the excitement and fear, and thrill of sitting in a packed theatre with my dad and brothers, sharing that experience of witnessing that movie. What I took away from that movie, and still take away from it, is that you always go to bat for your friends, and you have to face your fears.

    Loyalty and courage.

    And here is the new Star Wars trailer…