Today would have been my mother’s 73rd birthday.
Ma’s birthday and mine, which is a few days earlier, were always wrapped together in the spin of Winter and Christmas preparations. I’m trying to stay merry for the kid, but today is especially hard. It’s not that I feel on the verge of crying, or I can’t get out of bed, or make a joke. It’s just like a little cloud is over everything that happens to me.
I can’t stop being sad, and I don’t want to stop it either.
With all the news today… My head is spinning a little. I am really trying not to write about Trump and Impeachment, as I think there are others out there that do a much better job.
What I see and feel is the anxiety that all of this creates in the community that I live in.
Bay Area California is a bit on the liberal side, but there are very conservative people around here as well, so it’s not like everyone here wants him removed. But it does create a wait and seeing mentality. One group is waiting to rejoice, while the other is waiting to despair. Both are edgy.
Then add all the complexities of family gatherings with this news, and it’s like no one here wants to congregate, as the conversation might go the very wrong way.
When I talk to friends, no one seems to optimistic about anything really. I think this is the toll of the never ending confrontation of binary choices. It feels like nothing will ever get settled.
And I even don’t like bringing it up anymore. It is like preaching to a bunch of other preachers here. But bringing it up used to at least have a cathartic feel of expressing one’s concerns. Now… not so much.
Trying to stay positive, as we will all get through this together. I’m pretty sure of it. I can’t prove it, but I want to believe it.
There is that whole Impeachment thing.
I think we all know what will happen; Trump gets impeached in the House and is acquitted in the Senate.
Then what?
It’s anyone’s guess, but I think he will win reelection. I don’t like that, but I think that’s what happens.
Then what after that, is really what I want to know.
Is there a moment that we get to have when this long national nightmare is over?
It just feels like everything with the government is a dumpster fire.
Funny, like 10 or so years ago, I really thought climate change would be the thing that would unite this country. People forget that in 2008, the Republican Party had their own climate change plank in their platform. I liked the debate of how to tackle climate change, but now one side denies that it even exists.
It is a worry for me. Well, not so much me, but I worry for my kid. It just seems like we are still fighting the old Boomer’s social wars, all the while the rest of us are watching the ship sink.
On days that I get down on myself, I remember a tory a theatre professor of mine told.
It went along the lines of this…
Follow your dreams no matter what. That doesn’t mean your dreams will come true, but if you are open to all the places, experiences and people that you meet along the way, your life won’t be dull, and you’ll be in a much happier place.
I might be paraphrasing a little.
Mainly, I have followed that advice. Some days more than others, but lately I started to think that it was just stuff you would tell a class full of people that were about the graduate. It’s a positive statement, but it also gave the professor an out; most of you aren’t going to make it, but you’ll have fun.
And then I started getting older and seeing how other people also got older.
It’s the dream denied that is dangerous. It’s the people who told themselves that they couldn’t do what they wanted, but never gave up wanting it, that I am seeing more and more now. Yes, I saw a ton of bitter actors in New York, but in a sense, they hadn’t given up on themselves. They were just made at everyone else succeeding.
I now see people made at themselves. Disappointed in their choices in not trusting themselves and believing in themselves.
This observation of middle-aged people has scared me a little. I don’t think I have become that.
I still try, seeing where it goes.
Well… I finally did it. I sent out an inappropriate group email at work.
I won’t get into too many details, but I immediately sent a follow up email apologizing, and taking responsibility for my actions. Just too quick on the send button.
Also, the Gmail “Undo” function has a default setting of 5 seconds. I suggest EVERYONE go into their settings and change that to 30 seconds.
I went into my boss’ office, and personally apologized to her as well.
So, I embarrassed myself very badly at work today.
Now, how do I move on? This will come up again. Someone will say something to me, in a joking or negative way, but it will happen. It will come down to my reaction; am I defensive, do I laugh it off, do I stay humble and say nothing.
I also need to forgive myself, which I am really bad at. This is the type of thing that I will lay in bed at night, asking myself, “Why did you hit the send button?”
I should tell myself that no one died, and no one was physically hurt, and everybody has done this at one point in their lives. We are all human.
But I know I won’t do that. I will replay the embarrassment over and over again. That racing of my pulse when I discovered what I had done. The feeling of helplessness that I cannot undo this. The shame of being a disingenuous person.
Everyone says that you have to learn to forgive yourself and accept that your mistakes make you who you are. But the process of getting there has no road map. I can forgive others, just not myself, most days.
