Author: Matthew Groff

  • Free Sick Day

    The kid was home sick today, and I was with her, remote working from the kitchen counter. I did the normal parent thing; let her watch tv while she lay on the couch, ate cracker and juice, made chicken soup. It was a free day for her, and I did have moments of remembering that feeling of the “sick free day.”

    When I was a kid, I was home with my mother most of the time, but at some point I know that I was left alone. I think that age was 10. I remember my parents calling and checking on me. I remember making toast, and cup o’ soup on my own. I remember game shows, and soap operas, and that feeling that the day was half over by the time the noon local news came on. I also remember as the day started draw to dusk, knowing my parents would be home soon, and that was the feeling that the day was over. I wanted the sick day to last forever, but it never did. Yet, I was happy to have my parents home to talk to.

    For the kid, it was Netflix, and binge watching cartoons. We talked, I blew her nose, and I wondered what about sick days will she remember? Relatively, I think it will be the same for her as it was for me. The feeling of having a free day, and then it slowly slips away. Except she is missing out on the world of game shows, like Card Sharks and Press your Luck.

  • Ma

    Today would have been my mother’s 73rd birthday.

    Ma’s birthday and mine, which is a few days earlier, were always wrapped together in the spin of Winter and Christmas preparations. I’m trying to stay merry for the kid, but today is especially hard. It’s not that I feel on the verge of crying, or I can’t get out of bed, or make a joke. It’s just like a little cloud is over everything that happens to me.

    I can’t stop being sad, and I don’t want to stop it either.

  • Troubles All Around

    With all the news today… My head is spinning a little. I am really trying not to write about Trump and Impeachment, as I think there are others out there that do a much better job.

    What I see and feel is the anxiety that all of this creates in the community that I live in.

    Bay Area California is a bit on the liberal side, but there are very conservative people around here as well, so it’s not like everyone here wants him removed. But it does create a wait and seeing mentality. One group is waiting to rejoice, while the other is waiting to despair. Both are edgy.

    Then add all the complexities of family gatherings with this news, and it’s like no one here wants to congregate, as the conversation might go the very wrong way.

    When I talk to friends, no one seems to optimistic about anything really. I think this is the toll of the never ending confrontation of binary choices. It feels like nothing will ever get settled.

    And I even don’t like bringing it up anymore. It is like preaching to a bunch of other preachers here. But bringing it up used to at least have a cathartic feel of expressing one’s concerns. Now… not so much.

    Trying to stay positive, as we will all get through this together. I’m pretty sure of it. I can’t prove it, but I want to believe it.

  • Bad Mood

    There is that whole Impeachment thing.

    I think we all know what will happen; Trump gets impeached in the House and is acquitted in the Senate.

    Then what?

    It’s anyone’s guess, but I think he will win reelection. I don’t like that, but I think that’s what happens.

    Then what after that, is really what I want to know.

    Is there a moment that we get to have when this long national nightmare is over?

    It just feels like everything with the government is a dumpster fire.

    Funny, like 10 or so years ago, I really thought climate change would be the thing that would unite this country. People forget that in 2008, the Republican Party had their own climate change plank in their platform. I liked the debate of how to tackle climate change, but now one side denies that it even exists.

    It is a worry for me. Well, not so much me, but I worry for my kid. It just seems like we are still fighting the old Boomer’s social wars, all the while the rest of us are watching the ship sink.

  • Following the Sun

    On days that I get down on myself, I remember a tory a theatre professor of mine told.

    It went along the lines of this…

    Follow your dreams no matter what. That doesn’t mean your dreams will come true, but if you are open to all the places, experiences and people that you meet along the way, your life won’t be dull, and you’ll be in a much happier place.

    I might be paraphrasing a little.

    Mainly, I have followed that advice. Some days more than others, but lately I started to think that it was just stuff you would tell a class full of people that were about the graduate. It’s a positive statement, but it also gave the professor an out; most of you aren’t going to make it, but you’ll have fun.

    And then I started getting older and seeing how other people also got older.

    It’s the dream denied that is dangerous. It’s the people who told themselves that they couldn’t do what they wanted, but never gave up wanting it, that I am seeing more and more now. Yes, I saw a ton of bitter actors in New York, but in a sense, they hadn’t given up on themselves. They were just made at everyone else succeeding.

    I now see people made at themselves. Disappointed in their choices in not trusting themselves and believing in themselves.

    This observation of middle-aged people has scared me a little. I don’t think I have become that.

    I still try, seeing where it goes.