Author: Matthew Groff

  • Personal Review: WandaVision (Spoilers!)

    (You are warned! SPOILERS AHEAD! And this is a long one.)

    So, I finished WandaVision last night, and nothing was ruined for me; No internet troll, no idiot fanboy friend, and no spoiler reveiling headline. I was able to watch, and enjoy what unfolded. Just like our ancestors of old.

    The first thing is that I am really surprised at how much I enjoyed WandaVision, as it made me look forward to Friday night. The group of people who put this together did a great job of keeping the story well paced, revealing this mystery piece by piece. I wasn’t sure at first, to be honest. The first two episodes moved slowly, but as the show progressed, it did feel like a runaway train, building speed, and you knew it was headed for a crash of a climax. I keep thinking that at some point I will get tired of superhero shows/movies, because Martin Scorsese is right; you know the good guy always wins, so there is nothing really at stake or in peril. Yeah…

    …But what I enjoyed most was that this was a superhero story about grief and mourning. I think when it comes to “big ‘splosion movies” like Hollywood makes, not a whole lot of time is given to the emotional toll that these trials and losses have on the characters. (I remember when Carrie Fisher said that Princess Leia was the strongest character in Star Wars because Leia was captured, tortured, watched her home planet get destroyed which killed her parents and family and friends, got in a shoot-out, still had time to empathize with Luke’s loss of Ben, and then went on to help lead the attack on the Death Star which caused her to, yet again, face imminent death. And through all of that, she never broke down. That’s an emotionally strong character.) When you think about Wanda, that character has been through too much grief; parents, brother, and her partner in Vision. How would a character with unlimited power deal with all of that death? As she went through the stages of grief, why wouldn’t she use her powers?

    Grief doesn’t make sense. As I watched this show, it made me think about how I have grieved for my mother. Clearly, if I could bring her back I would do it, but I know that will never happen. But I do sometimes find myself having the fleeting thought that I might still get a phone call or text from her. It’s a thought that enters my mind, only to be quickly dismissed by logic, but it lasts long enough for there to be a catch in my throat, and that sad sinking feeling in my stomach. My grief doesn’t stop me from functioning, because my kid makes me keep going, but my grief is always below the surface. It’s a sadness that always seems to be in the back of the room, just out of the corner of my eye. It holds me back from being very excited about anything, or opening myself up to any deeper emotions, or even the joy of looking forward to something.

    And that is the thing that WandaVision did for me. When I figured out this was a show about Wanda’s grief and how it had manifested itself, I didn’t run from it. Watching this show was admitting that it was going to bring up things in me that are still raw. Two and a half years after my mother’s death, I can talk about it, but I’m still not ready to feel that pain again. Watching Wanda and Vision say goodbye to their boys, that hurt. Watching Wanda and Vision say goodbye to each other, oh that hurt as well. But what hurt most was watching that red energy field contracting; the inevitable visual end, the looming death, that was moving toward them. That image for me was how my mother’s death felt. As she lay almost comatose in hospice, we all knew death was coming. We couldn’t stop it, and as every minute ticked by, we knew it was getting closer. I would have done anything to stop it. But I couldn’t. That hurts still.

    WandaVision ended up being something more than I thought it could be. What I thought would be a one note joke of being trapped in old TV shows, or a vehicle to set up “Phase 4” or “Phase 5,” actually was one of the better shows that I have seen a in long time. There was something at stake, and there was peril. Sure, that bad guy was defeated, but the grief survived. Grief can be a gift, as it does show us who and how deeply we truly loved, but if grief is not confronted, it can destroy us.

  • Don’t Ruin WandaVision

    Seriously, people! Don’t ruin WandaVision for the rest of us. Don’t go and spoiling all the fun and surprises. Some people have kids and jobs and can’t watch it until tonight, so shut it!

    Also, this means I have to stay off social media today as well.

    Honestly, let’s all be cool here.

  • Fixing Nightmares

    I’m just not feeling today. Part of it is that I didn’t sleep well last night, which was due to my mind not shut off. I was having a negative thought downward spiral, where I was listing everything that I was disappoint in about myself, as well as saying to myself over and over again that I will never succeed at anything I truly desire.

    Good times in the self-defeating department.

    And then at about 3 in the morning, the kid woke up from a bad dream, and wanted me to snuggle her back to sleep. That made things a little better. I didn’t ask her what the bad dream was about, as I have found that asking her to relive the nightmare sometimes makes things worse, as it just scares her all over again. What works better is to play a game of naming all the things that makes us happy. We go back and forth, I normally start, and we do this until she either feels better, or falls asleep.

    I start with an easy one;

    Me- Snuggles

    Her – My doll

    Me – Reading books

    Her – Drawing pictures

    Me – Pizza

    Her – Cheesy noodles

    Me – The dog

    Her – Friends at the park

    After a few back and forth’s, she is out. I hold on to her for a minute or two more just to make sure she’s asleep. Then I slow slink out of her room, with the job accomplished.

    Not that I got back to sleep right away, but I tried thinking about the things that keep me going, the goals I have. Generally, I keep it together, but there are those days when everything feels a million miles away, and nothing will change it.

    That is the Covid-isolation brain talking. I have been pretty much doing the same thing for a year now, and it just feels like nothing has changed. But feelings aren’t necessarily facts.

    I’m just tired.

  • Texas! Please Put a Mask On!

    I grew up in Texas, and I really don’t understand that state anymore. I think about how it was a good place to grow up, and I would describe the Texas of those years as a place that was common sense Democrat. Now, I can’t recognize any of that in Texas anymore.

    For me, it all started with the election of Ann Richards in 1990, what the Republicans did, and who they ran against her. First of all, if you want to know what Texas was like, study Ann Richards. She could take care of herself, and wasn’t afraid of a fight.

    In 1990, Richards won the Democrat nomination for Governor, and was running on a Texas moderate platform. The Republicans ran a campaign against her, stating a Richards win would be “Death to Families.” But the worst was that the Republicans ran an almost stereotype of a Texan named Clayton Williams who was a millionaire oil businessman who inherited much of it from his father. His campaign was basically that a businessman with no political experience was better for Texas, a platform with nothing other than cut taxes, and he was winning with that schtick. He would have won if he hadn’t made several huge gaffs. The big two were that he refused to shake hands with Richards, because she was a former alcoholic, and the second was he made a rape joke. Well, those were still the days of decency, and Williams dropped in the polls and Richards won. She had a successful term, but ended up losing reelection to George W. Bush in 1994.

    When I look back on the 1990 Texas election, it was the precursor, the warning, of what platformless conservatism will do to the state and the nation. Clayton Williams was the Pre-Trump; rich with no ideas, shooting from the hip, and remorseless for being offensive. Policy was only important if it conformed to this toxic-masculine ideal; logic and science be damned!

    That is what happened in Texas yesterday, with Abbott’s order to get back to normal. There is no science out there that supports his decision, but he keeps saying that he is “following the science.” People will die from this decision, ad for what? To keep the market open? To stop people from asking for help from the government?

    To my friends and family in Texas, please get your vaccine. Ware a mask. Stay socially distant. Listen to science.

  • Where’s My Covid Vaccine?

    Now, I know that you should never use social media to compare yourself, let alone use it as a gage of current news.

    But…

    It sure as hell seems that just about everyone I know is getting vaccinated. It stated to make me wonder if I am doing something wrong.

    Now, the truth of the matter is that a great number of my friends are in the teaching profession, so clearly, I’m seeing them, as a priority group, all getting their shot.

    So, I just went on the New York State Covid Vaccine page and tried to see if I am eligible. After answering a bunch of questions about what I do for a living, and asking if I face the public, I was informed that I am not eligible. Looking a little deeper, I see that healthy people in their early forties will be up for a vaccine around Summer.

    Five months. Me and the wife could have about five months to go. Wow, that’s, just a bit more time than I thought…

    Again, the logical part of me knows that NY state is only getting so much vaccine a week, and we are a big state, and I live in the biggest city, so it will take some time. I also know that the more people in front of me in line who get vaccinated, actually will help make everyone safer through herd immunity. I know all of that.

    But I am getting anxious, and that is based in fear of getting sick, and also I am getting worn down with being restricted at home. The fatigue is getting to me, and I feel like we are starting to see the beginning of the end of this thing.

    I just gotta stay patient.