Month: September 2024

  • Open Letter to the Asshole Who Stole My Umbrella

    Dear Dingleberry,

    You already know that I consider you to be an asshole from the title of this piece, so I thought it best, in the hopes of keeping this letter active and engaging, that I come up with some other descriptive names for you; such as rat faced monkey butt.

    Yet, I feel I should get to the point. For you, you near sighted stinky weasel, stole my umbrella that was wet, and drying outside of my apartment’s front door. You might not be aware of this, you waste of carbon, but theft is frowned upon. In fact, as this is a small building with a limited number of people living here, we all know each other rather well, and stealing from the front door of your neighbor, is a cardinal sin around these parts.

    I understand why you did it, you simple minded amoeba, it was raining outside, but that doesn’t justify your actions. If you wanted to borrow and return the umbrella, I would have agreed to that, for I am a neighborly neighbor, unlike you, a stain left on the floor.

    But, you did not do that.

    You saw an opportunity, and took it believing that there would be no repercussions to this action. The actions of a poop smelling little person.

    I know that there is a good chance that one of my neighbors did not do this, because as I had mentioned before, we do look out for each other in this building. We help each other move heavy things up and down the stairs, water each other’s plant, feed each other’s animals, delivery packages and mail, and most importantly, hold doors open and say hello. NO, my neighbors are good people.

    You, assclown, most likely don’t live here, and maybe thought you would never come back here, or if you do come back, so much time will have past that no one will care that you swiped an umbrella from someone’s door step.

    Ah! You figured wrong; you chunk of ear wax! You couldn’t have imagined that “the power of words” would come after you in this wildly passive-aggressive letter! Yes, the pen is mightier than the sword, but a baseball bat to the shins is even better!

    And with no due respect; please burn in hell. Forever, if you wouldn’t mind,

    Matt Groff

    P.S. – Bruce knows what I’m going through…

  • ODDS and ENDS: Hurricane Training, Mayor of NYC, and LinkedIn

    (I’m a cold Italian pizza, I could use a lemon squeeze-a…)

    Yes, hurricanes are dangerous, and we should take them seriously. The damage they cause and the loss of life, so people need to heed the warnings that officials give. But I want to talk about those poor television meteorologists who get stuck with the job of standing out in the wind and rain to “show us” how dangerous the storm is. First of all, no one is out here asking for somebody to stand in the storm – when you tell us it’s windy and rainy, we believe you, we’re good. Second, and being that it’s a cliche for the weatherman to stand in the storm, it’s dangerous to do that, so does the meteorologist receive some sort of training? Do they teach how to breast a storm and hold on to your hat? Or is this a “figure it out on your own” type situation?

    I told you that you couldn’t trust Eric Adams. If a guy lies about sharing an apartment with his son so he can claim residency in NYC to run for mayor, then you know he’s not fit for the job. Just saying…

    Oh LinkedIn; the account I have but never use. Though I haven’t touched it in years, I do enjoy your weekly email telling me that my profile appeared in 3 searches. Week in, week out, it’s always the same – 3 searches. It’s a magic number, three.

  • My “Merch” Page

    I sit in my little office, and I try to come up with things. Sometimes I write them down, and put them up on my blog. Other times, I send them out to magazines – both online and print – with the hopes that they get published. I have made some headway in this regard, but my results have been modest, to say the most. Through all of this, there has been a goal in the back of my mind, which is that I will earn enough money from my writing to go and buy a new computer. Not that I need a new computer, it’s more of a symbol, and sounds better than saying I want to earn $1,000. (But if someone out there wants to buy me a MacBook Air 13-inch with M2 chip, I won’t say no.) As of the end of August, combining what I have earned from my writing and the ads on my blog, I have $6.69.

    I started to think, I might need to diversify my income streams from my writing. Hence why I am contemplating opening up a “merch” store on the blog.

    This might require that I come up with a logo. Maybe a funny catch phrase or two that could go on a sweatshirt or a hoodie. And I gotta have coffee mugs.

    I produced enough shows and ran some theatre companies that I know you never make your money off of ticket sales; it’s the concessions and the mech that really pays for everything. Well, that and grants and a large loyal donor base…

    Point being, maybe my tens and tens of fans are coming for my witty observations and inspired criticisms, but that stuff doesn’t pay the bills, you know.

    First of all, I do need you guys to like and subscribe as that does help me move up in the algorithm.

    Next, I will set up a page on the blog, and get some really funny and catchy shit on t-shirts that we all can wear ironically (or sincerely… they’ll always wonder when reading it…) I haven’t forgotten about the coffee mugs; those will have inspirational crap on it, like “The Only Rule is that There Are No Rules.”

    Right?

    Oh, and I’m open to a refurbished MacBook Air from like a year, as well.

  • Short Story Review: “Ambrose” by Allegra Goodman

    (The short story “Ambrose” by Allegra Goodman appeared in the September 30th, 2024 issue of The New Yorker.)

    Photograph by Annie Collinge for The New Yorker

    I’m paraphrasing this, but John Lennon said the best way to become a good song writer, is that you first have to write a lot of bad songs. I think that applies to any artist; to make good art, you have to make a whole lot of bad art first. That doesn’t mean that the bad art only serves the purpose of getting the artist to their good art. No, bad art can help in so many ways. That was one of the thoughts that went through my head while reading “Ambrose” by Allegra Goodman’s effectively touching story.

    Here’s a way too short synopsis: Lily is a sixth grader who is writing a story, about the Princess Ambrose, while also dealing with the difficulties of her parent’s divorce. Elements of Lily’s life work their way into the world of Princess Ambrose.

    What Goodman’s story just smashes are the little details. The way Lily decorates her notebook that contains the story, her parents concern, the words and phrases used by grownups talking about kids, and the way Lily sees her parents sitting together when they haven’t in a long time. I appreciated how Goodman approached Lily’s struggles by never belittling them, and though the school might have over reacted, the adults in Lily’s life take her seriously. But my favorite aspect was that Lily’s story wasn’t particularly good, in regard to originality or grammar. Lily creating a “good story” really isn’t the point so much as Lily discovering, maybe subconsciously, that the issues of her life can be expressed and dealt with in the art she is creating. I felt that was a very honest and authentic way to dramatize the creation of this writer, showing us how important it is that she writes this story, even though it isn’t very good. I think lesser writers would have made Lily’s story epic, and original and well written… and that would have missed the point.

    My only criticism of the story is the ending. Not the climax, which was handled very well. No, I’m talking about the last nine paragraphs. After giving us a nice honest moment between Lily and her mother, the final scene is in Lily’s dance class with an odd fitting “deus ex machina” of a substitute dance teacher. This felt tagged on, as if to give Lily a win in the story, or to end on a button. I found it distracting because the story was taking us to a place where Lily, and her parents, are all learning that this life together will be difficult, but they will face it as a family. Just didn’t sit right with me.

    That’s not to say that I’m not recommending this story. “Ambrose” is sweet, and moves with an airy confidence that is charming. Goodman makes Lily a very interesting, and intelligent kid who is going through a time in her life which makes everything a challenge. This isn’t life and death drama, but Goodman shows how impactful moments in a six grader’s life can be.

  • Missing Sleep, and Snuggles

    Last night was a rough night of sleep for me. The wife went to be at 10, and I was going to follow her at 10:30, which is normal for us. (She needs a head start, because if we go to bed together, I will fall asleep first, and I will snore which will cause my wife not to sleep, and you can see why I don’t want this to happen.) And right as I was about to get off the couch and go to bed, the kid got up.

    She was sleep walking, and mumbling, and I quickly put her back into bed. This happens from time to time, so no big deal. Other than the fact that I was awake, and had trouble falling asleep. Then the kid did this three more times, and by 1:30 in the morning, I started to wonder if I was ever getting to sleep. We all did, but my total for the night was four hours of sleep.

    To say that I am dragging, well, that’s accurate. I have nodded off twice while trying to write this. Sure, doesn’t help that I am sitting on my bed, but still – nodding off over here. I might do a power nap before I leave to get the kid from school.

    When all of this was going on last night – the kid sleep walking and try to coax her back to bed – I thought about when the kid was a little baby, and getting her fussy little butt to calm down and get some sleep. We had a rocking chair then, and even though we normally got a few hours of sleep during that period in our life, there was an understanding that fussiness with sleep was a temporary problem, she would grow out of it eventually, and also that her being tiny and snuggly was also a limited timed offer. She wouldn’t be a snuggle bug for long.