Month: January 2022

  • Taking and Keeping Notes

    I had this great idea for a story this morning. I was in the kitchen, making the kid’s lunch for school, and it just hit me like lightening. I remember thinking that it was a great idea that I should work on today, but I should finish making the kid’s lunch, and then I’ll jot down some notes. By the time I finished making the lunch, the idea left my body… and I cannot for the life of me remember what it was.

    Nothing

    I tried retracing my steps, doing what I was doing when the idea hit me, but nothing has worked. The idea is lost to the universe…

    Now as I sit here blogging, I wonder, is this just the normal forgetfulness of life, or am I getting older?

    Most likely, a little of both.

    More importantly, I have never had a good system for taking notes. Even in school, like in junior high, I was taught a note taking system, which it’s really just bullet points. I still use to this day, and it sucks. It’s not real coherent, or logical, but I keep using it – never improving on it. The other weekend, we were cleaning out the office, and I found a couple of legal pads that had meeting notes from the second to last job I had, and my notes aren’t really helpful, as I can’t really understand what I was taking the notes for. That could also be a sign that the job wasn’t very good.

    Some people are great at taking notes, and cataloging things. I was rather impressed with several friends for listing all the books and movies they watched in the past year. Not only did they have an impressive count, but I thought it was equally impressive that they had the wherewithal to just follow through on collecting that information. That is, if they were telling the truth. People do lie on the internet.

    As this is a new year, and I seem to lack the ability to remember things, I will need to step up my note game, or outlining, or just keeping track of shit. I am getting older.

  • Walking in the Snow, Trying to be a Good Dad

    There’s five inches of snow on the ground. Me and the kid could barely contain ourselves as we walked to school. We both wanted to bounce through the snow and step in the places where no one had walked yet so we could make footprints and hear the crunch of the snow under our boots. We were late to school.

    I told the kid we had to hurry up, and she asked me is it her fault that she’s late? And that question made me feel sad and pitiful for her. Had I said something earlier to make her feel guilty? Had I been saying things to her this week that make her feel like she was to blame? I thought I had been doing good job of not transferring the Catholic Guilt I grew up with to her. But the way that she asked me that question, is it her fault, made me think that I hadn’t accomplished my goal.

    I had promised myself that I would raise a confidant and self-assured kid. I didn’t want her growing up like I did; afraid, worrying, low self-esteem, and neurotic. I feel like I have talked myself out of so many things that I wanted because of my lack of confidence. I still have trouble believing in me.

    Last night, I woke up at 3am, and I couldn’t get back to sleep. As I lay in bed, mind racing, that nagging voice in the back of my head kept poking at me – “You don’t have a career, you’re too old to start a new one, you aren’t that creative, you don’t know the right people, you don’t have any real friends, what create is boring and pedestrian.” I’m 45 years old, and sometimes I still feel like that 12-year-old on the first day of junior high; scared that they will all laugh at me and beat me up.

    I don’t want my daughter to think of herself that way. I want her to like who she is, and be confidant in who she is, and not be afraid. I’m doing what all parents do – I want me kid to be better than me. And most days I don’t know how to do that. But I keep trying, because we’re going sledding after school, and that’s going to be a lot of fun.

  • ODDS and ENDS: Storage Unit, More Covid, and Do What You Love

    ODDS and ENDS is my continuing series of random thoughts and follow ups…    

    I am currently in an online chat with a person who works for U-Haul. It turns out that we need a larger storage unit. I feel a little defeated in having to do this. In a sense, I have a second apartment in New York City. An apartment for things I only want to see once a year, or never seen again, but don’t want to throw away. I could say there is a logical reason for this development in our lives, but it feels like our stuff is dictating how we live. So, another project for the weekend! And we get the Christmas stuff out of the apartment as well!

    We got another notice that there was a Covid exposure in the kid’s classroom. Which means that we will have another round of at home testing to see if she has been infected. Ironically, the kid got her second Covid vax yesterday. I know that she still needs about two weeks for the vax to fully get in her system for her to be TOTALLY COMPLELETY 100% AMZAINGLY VACCINATED! Yet, I feel like it is still a matter of time before the schools close and we are back to remoting. This is Omicron’s fault, and not the failing of some person or institution, and I am aware that I am in the minority of people who believe that. Soon, just like with the Delta variant, things will peak, and then a decline will start, so it is a wave we are riding. We all just have to hang in there for a while longer.

    Do what you love, and follow your bliss. Oh, Joseph Campbell, you inspiring mythology professor, you! I have been wrestling with his thought for, well, the past two years actually. As things fell apart, I started to question what I loved and what was my bliss. I wasn’t thinking about who I loved, and who made me happy, as I saw the question pertaining to a “what” – a thing, a desire, a concept even – not a person or persons. And as I thought about my “what” made me happy, my “what” never felt consequential, as I thought, that’s what it should be. Love and bliss should be a burning passion that I can’t live without, right? It should be epic. If it’s not top of the pops, and the best of the best, then can it be worth following? I’m not sure anymore. What brings me joy is not epic, but it is fulfilling. It gives me confidence and purpose, but it isn’t a burning passion. Is this state due to wisdom, or compliancy? But age is a factor.  

  • Covid and School

    Yesterday and today has been a big Covid day in our household. As things seem to be getting worse for people contracting Covid, I am very nervous about the state of school here in NYC.

    See, before the Christmas break, my daughter’s classroom had a possible exposure. The school cancelled the last day of class before the break and suggested that the kid get tested or quarantine for ten days. At the time, it was like a two to four hour wait to get a test, and since we weren’t planning on seeing anyone for the holidays, we opted for quarantining. The kid never developed any signs, so we felt good that we were in the clear.

    School started up on Monday, and my daughter returned. Her class has twenty students, and on that Monday, only ten were present. That number has stayed steady each day this week.  

    At Tuesday’s drop off, the kid’s teacher asked each of us parents if we had a device that could be used for remote learning. That didn’t make me feel good, as that lead me to believe that either the school was planning on shutting down, or they are prepping for the situation where schools will need to shut down.

    Then at pick up on Tuesday, we were told that again, there was a possible exposure in the classroom. This time, we were given two test kits, and instructed to take it immediately. If the results were positive, then stay home. If negative, come back to school, but if the kid starts showing signs of something, then take the second test to see if it is a positive result, thus stay home. But, if the kid shows no signs after the first test, we should take the second test on the 9th, to confirm that there is no infection.

    Ung…

    I have no issue with the testing, and I understand that there is no answer that will make everyone happy. This is just a lot of work and stress on the kids.

    Our silver lining here is that today, the kid goes and gets her second Covid vaccine shot. And then, two weeks after that, we will be a fully vaccinated and boosted family.

    Remember when that was everyone’s goal? Like, at the start of the pandemic, everyone was all on board for the vaccine, and we’d all take it, and we’d all get back to normal? (It’s almost like there was a “good ol’ days” of the pandemic.) Sadly, I think we all know that there isn’t going to be a return to normal.

    But, having my family full vaccinated is a goal that we have accomplished. And I am proud of that.

  • Random Thoughts of Living in NYC

    Funny thought… I would like to wear a suit again. Or, or, or… a sportscoat and tie. Nothing super formal, but dressed nice.

    I am casual all the time now, that I think a little style for the sake of style sounds fun.

    I grocery shopped today. I went to three different places, and it was enjoyable hopping around the Upper West Side, and then back to Harlem. I needed to get some dashi, and uncooked noodles, as I have it in my head that I will be making my own miso ramen sometime this week. I headed over to H Mart at 110th. Then there was the normal round of shopping at Trader Joe’s at 93rd. Funny thing was that at TJ’s, they had no produce, which was a little shocking. (The last time the store looked like that was the start of the pandemic.) Then back home to Harlem and hitting up the local grocery store for the final items. In all, about two hours to get it all done.

    I know that we are staring down another surge, and we all need to be careful, and I was. But, sometimes I do miss being out and watching the people. I miss seeing the weird, strange stuff that is piled up in front of buildings.

    Speaking of which…

    Most parks in the City have an area where people can leave their old Christmas Trees, so the City will dispose of them, and turn the trees into mulch. This morning, as I was walking by a park that had a huge pile of Christmas Trees, I saw that someone had left two bright orange pumpkins among all the green trees. It made me laugh as I walked by, and then after a couple of more steps, it hit me I should take a picture of this setting. When I turned around, there was a guy, a normal looking middle-aged white guy, who was pulling out the pumpkins from the pile of trees. He held the pumpkins in front of his face, as if gaging their worth, and then he took off with them.

    Why? What for? What could he possible be thinking that he needs with two, quite possible, four-month-old pumpkins? It was confounding with the amount of possibilities that these pumpkins could be used for.

    Yet another reason it is still fun to live in this town.