Month: March 2021

  • Fixing Nightmares

    I’m just not feeling today. Part of it is that I didn’t sleep well last night, which was due to my mind not shut off. I was having a negative thought downward spiral, where I was listing everything that I was disappoint in about myself, as well as saying to myself over and over again that I will never succeed at anything I truly desire.

    Good times in the self-defeating department.

    And then at about 3 in the morning, the kid woke up from a bad dream, and wanted me to snuggle her back to sleep. That made things a little better. I didn’t ask her what the bad dream was about, as I have found that asking her to relive the nightmare sometimes makes things worse, as it just scares her all over again. What works better is to play a game of naming all the things that makes us happy. We go back and forth, I normally start, and we do this until she either feels better, or falls asleep.

    I start with an easy one;

    Me- Snuggles

    Her – My doll

    Me – Reading books

    Her – Drawing pictures

    Me – Pizza

    Her – Cheesy noodles

    Me – The dog

    Her – Friends at the park

    After a few back and forth’s, she is out. I hold on to her for a minute or two more just to make sure she’s asleep. Then I slow slink out of her room, with the job accomplished.

    Not that I got back to sleep right away, but I tried thinking about the things that keep me going, the goals I have. Generally, I keep it together, but there are those days when everything feels a million miles away, and nothing will change it.

    That is the Covid-isolation brain talking. I have been pretty much doing the same thing for a year now, and it just feels like nothing has changed. But feelings aren’t necessarily facts.

    I’m just tired.

  • Texas! Please Put a Mask On!

    I grew up in Texas, and I really don’t understand that state anymore. I think about how it was a good place to grow up, and I would describe the Texas of those years as a place that was common sense Democrat. Now, I can’t recognize any of that in Texas anymore.

    For me, it all started with the election of Ann Richards in 1990, what the Republicans did, and who they ran against her. First of all, if you want to know what Texas was like, study Ann Richards. She could take care of herself, and wasn’t afraid of a fight.

    In 1990, Richards won the Democrat nomination for Governor, and was running on a Texas moderate platform. The Republicans ran a campaign against her, stating a Richards win would be “Death to Families.” But the worst was that the Republicans ran an almost stereotype of a Texan named Clayton Williams who was a millionaire oil businessman who inherited much of it from his father. His campaign was basically that a businessman with no political experience was better for Texas, a platform with nothing other than cut taxes, and he was winning with that schtick. He would have won if he hadn’t made several huge gaffs. The big two were that he refused to shake hands with Richards, because she was a former alcoholic, and the second was he made a rape joke. Well, those were still the days of decency, and Williams dropped in the polls and Richards won. She had a successful term, but ended up losing reelection to George W. Bush in 1994.

    When I look back on the 1990 Texas election, it was the precursor, the warning, of what platformless conservatism will do to the state and the nation. Clayton Williams was the Pre-Trump; rich with no ideas, shooting from the hip, and remorseless for being offensive. Policy was only important if it conformed to this toxic-masculine ideal; logic and science be damned!

    That is what happened in Texas yesterday, with Abbott’s order to get back to normal. There is no science out there that supports his decision, but he keeps saying that he is “following the science.” People will die from this decision, ad for what? To keep the market open? To stop people from asking for help from the government?

    To my friends and family in Texas, please get your vaccine. Ware a mask. Stay socially distant. Listen to science.

  • Where’s My Covid Vaccine?

    Now, I know that you should never use social media to compare yourself, let alone use it as a gage of current news.

    But…

    It sure as hell seems that just about everyone I know is getting vaccinated. It stated to make me wonder if I am doing something wrong.

    Now, the truth of the matter is that a great number of my friends are in the teaching profession, so clearly, I’m seeing them, as a priority group, all getting their shot.

    So, I just went on the New York State Covid Vaccine page and tried to see if I am eligible. After answering a bunch of questions about what I do for a living, and asking if I face the public, I was informed that I am not eligible. Looking a little deeper, I see that healthy people in their early forties will be up for a vaccine around Summer.

    Five months. Me and the wife could have about five months to go. Wow, that’s, just a bit more time than I thought…

    Again, the logical part of me knows that NY state is only getting so much vaccine a week, and we are a big state, and I live in the biggest city, so it will take some time. I also know that the more people in front of me in line who get vaccinated, actually will help make everyone safer through herd immunity. I know all of that.

    But I am getting anxious, and that is based in fear of getting sick, and also I am getting worn down with being restricted at home. The fatigue is getting to me, and I feel like we are starting to see the beginning of the end of this thing.

    I just gotta stay patient.

  • Personal Review: New Yorker Profile on Nicole Eisenman

    Do you know who Nicole Eisenman is? I didn’t until this weekend. I got another gift of a Sunday, and was able to do an hour of uninterrupted reading on the couch while listening to music. I chose to make my way through the March 1st issue of The New Yorker, and landed on a profile on the artist/painter/sculptor Nicole Eisenman. I do give a great deal of credit to the article’s writer, Ian Parker, for doing a great job of making visual art come to life through the written word. Not an easy task.

    There are many great parts to the piece, sharing how Eisenman works, and has survived and flourished as an artists in NYC. One part of the article that really struck me was Nicole speaking about how in college, after she came out to her parents, her father, who is a psychiatrist and believed that being gay was a mental disease, would write her long letters trying to dissuade her from being a lesbian, to “save her.” It struck as so depressing and heartbreaking. Her parents not accepting her for who she is bad enough, but to think when she would receive mail from her dad, it was just a dense letter to say how awful she was. I can’t imagine what that does to one’s self esteem, and how hard it must have been to move past that.

    The other thing that struck me about Nicole Eisenman, was how she moved between different forms of expression. Painting is clearly her main focus, but she is also a sculptor. Then if you pay attention and read between the lines, you learn that she was a DJ for a good bit of time, and blogged, and Nicole refers to many cartoons she has drawn in sketchbooks. She struck me as a person who is continually looking for ways to express, and share, and try new ideas. I admire her ability to stay in creative motion, which now I feel bad that I didn’t know of her before.