First of all, I am having trouble with getting motivated to work on my projects this week. Taking time to examine art that has influenced me has been helpful.
And as such…
Back at the start of 2016, I was in a world of professional turmoil. I had been promoted to a senior leadership position in a theatre company/school that was in the process of a slow painful death, that most people in the company were in denial about. I was ambitious and thought I could save the company, but by April of that year, it was clear to me that nothing could be done to save it. I was captain of a sinking ship. And at this time, I started to realize that what I was doing to pay the bills, had come to dominate my life, and pull me a million miles away from all the reasons I had moved to New York City in the first place; I didn’t come to run a company, I had to come to artistically create.
In this state of feeling lost, I read a profile on the author Maggie Nelson. The article was in support of The Argonauts which had just won a National Book Award. When I read the profile, I identified with Maggie Nelson’s love of reading, and a curiosity for artistic expression as well as self-examination, and well, examination of everything. There was also a deep honesty from Nelson that was at once shocking, and revealing of how easily I could be shocked by honesty. Half way through the article, I knew that I need to read that book.
I went over to the Barnes & Noble in Union Square, and when I got to where her books were, they only carried one of her’s; Bluets. Better to have something by Nelson, rather than nothing. I bought the very slim, blue book that was supposed to be poetry, but on the back of the book was listed as essay.
What I got from Bluets was what I had been looking for but could never put my finger on. The book read like someone sharing the thoughts that come in and out of their head. Not early 20th century stream of conscious, but more like thoughts from in my head, like a monologue for the audience of me. Thoughts come, develop, repeat with revision, and are funny, and also melancholy. I keep going back to Bluets often. I love the structure, and the idea of meditation by using words on a theme that has no answer or conclusion. Nelson’s writing for me is more than honest, but feels like a living thing. Insight that welcomes me to sit and ponder along with her.
It’s funny how the right thing shows up when things are going wrong.