My Google newsfeed gave me five stories, right now, about Sally Rooney publishing a new book this September.
I’m not trying to get all algorithm conspiracy on you, but I think something is up.
Month: January 2021
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Process: Talking About a Story
I fully admit that I am a superstitious/neurotic writer, and it’s annoying to everybody, especially me. I follow silly rules that have no logical basis with the belief that somehow adhering to these guidelines will guarantee success.
Such as; I can’t reuse a character’s first name, I can’t work on fiction until I journal first, and the big one, don’t talk about details of a story until it’s finished, because if I were, then the story will never get finished. The last rule has been tricky when it comes to this blog, which leaves some of my posts so vague that they are incomprehensible.
Last night, I broke the no talking rule with my wife. (Yes, I don’t even tell my wife about my work until it’s done.) And it needed to happen.
The context here is that I have been working, on and off, for about a year, on a story based upon a person I used to work with, and who my wife also knows. I have told no one about this story, obviously, and this co-worker came up in conversation last night. As in, “Whatever happened to what’s their name?” We talked about the possible fate of this person, and why they were such a challenge to work with.
And that’s when I was like, I should share this idea, and why I am curious to attempt to write a story about them. Also, I wanted feedback if it was a good idea.
The jury is still out, as the wife pointed out everything that I knew was problematic about the story… so it needs still more work if it is ever to see the light of day.
The bigger point here is that I still have several self imposed barriers that I need to break through. The “talking” rule is bullshit as what really does is try to protect me from any criticism. If I never share, then I can never be wrong.
I still got a long way to go, but working on it.
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House Votes for Impeachment, Nothing Changes
Well, I’m watching the House debate and vote on impeachment, and it is just making my stomach sink. Last night it looked like Republicans were going to break with Trump and vote to impeach. Now, watching the debate and the first procedural vote, it looks like nothing has changed from the last time there was a Trump impeachment vote. Yes, there will be more Republicans voting “for” than last time, but there is no way one could say this is a bipartisan vote.
I am well aware of the fact that 120+ Republican House members voted to overturn the election are in solid red districts, meaning their only real challenge is in the Republican primary, and not in the general election. Odds are that these districts are Trump country, so they have to vote against impeachment, or risk being primaried.
That is the truth, and that is also disgusting.
I’m not sure what is worse; the Republicans politicians from these districts, or the people in these districts.
Sadly, I don’t see 17 Republican Senators voting to convict Trump. Maybe if 60 Republican House voted for impeachment, then I could believe in the Senate. But if only 5 House Republicans vote “for,” then it’s like we are right back where we were.
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Letting Go of Past Mistakes
I’m finding it hard to stay motivated. I was able to put a blog together yesterday, but I never made it to journal or work on anything else, which, at the end of the day, I was feeling like I had failed. And with my anxiety started a death spiral of thoughts about, well, just being a failure. Then I started thinking about everything that I had screwed up on in the past three years, replaying the mistakes over and over…
It’s exhausting…
Digging myself out of that isn’t easy. The first step is watching an old MST3k on PlutoTV. That helps in just calming my head down. Then I have to start telling myself that tomorrow is a new opportunity to make changes; to get it right.
But, when it comes to thinking about the things I did wrong in the past, that one is much harder for me to put to rest. I have been told in therapy, by friends and loved ones, and Oprah that I have to forgive myself. You know, I’ve tried, but there I was last night thinking about old work situations, and people I haven’t seen in years. I don’t think there is anything that I can say to myself to enact a state of forgiveness that will cause the exorcise these thoughts. It is unattainable.
But what I think is attainable is more attune to what being an ex-smoker, or recovering alcoholic is like; It is a daily struggle to choose not to take part. I used to smoke, and it took me about a year to ween myself off of cigarettes, and a good part had to do with changing my behavior. I had to stop having the first cigarette in the morning, or right before I went to bed. The desire was still there, but I had to say no to myself. That was seven years ago, and still I have moments where the craving for a smoke over takes me, but I fight it off. I don’t have to forgive myself for the craving, I have to fight it.
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Still Dealing with the Capital Riot
I can’t seem to get my head in the game today. The kid’s schooling is going fine, and the wife is off and working.
Me? I feel like there is this looming storm outside that is about to hit.
Yes, this is a day of Covid fatigue, but also everything that has happened at The Capital, Trump, Biden, and all the other shit involved with it.
I thought I was linked to the news before, but now, it’s like I can’t go five minutes to see if there was an update. It’s sickening. I feel like I am in a knot. This weekend was a loss for me, as I didn’t accomplish anything, just dealing with the anxiety of the moment.
What I feel like is right after 9/11. Such as everything had changed, but at the same time, everyone was trying to go about their normal routines. Now, it seems even stranger as nothing was normal before 1/6, and today everything feels even weirder. The mere fact that people can’t even agree if the attack and its repercussion are worth dealing with. One side is, “Let’s Deal with This!” while to other is “Move on and heal.” The answer is both, but I don’t see that happening.
The kid has asked a few questions about it, and I know she is trying to figure out what happened, and whether she should have an opinion. Clearly, the wife and I are very angry at Trump and want him removed immediately. But when I hear my kid parrots the same sentiment, that makes me uncomfortable. I know she can’t grasp all the details other than bad guys broke into an important building, so I feel like she should say those things. Yet, bad guys did break into an important building, and if we don’t stand up and defend this country from those bad guys, then what future am I leaving for my daughter.
We have to show my kid how Americans deal with a situation like this. Protest peacefully. Vote. Get involved. Call and write your representatives on the local, state and federal level. Stay open minded and curious. Fight the fiery emotion of hate, with the cool logic of reason. And remember, always, that all Americans have a place at the table of Democracy.
