Month: October 2020

  • NYC Almost Back to Normal?

    I had a busy ass day in NYC again.

    I was up early to get the kid ready for school.

    Then I had to move the car for alt-side parking, but got my spot back after the sweeper went by.

    When I got back home, I help the kid with her remote learning.

    Next I made lunch for the family.

    Then me and a buddy went in my car to pick up our friend who had foot surgery from the hospital and got him home.

    Dealt with crazy drivers on the West Side Highway

    Parked the car, amazingly, right back in the same parking spot on the street, which never happens.

    Did some shopping on the way home.

    And now I am home, and exhausted.

    It almost feels like an old fashioned pre-Covid New York kind of day.

  • Anger Stage of Grief, Again

    This is a tough week for me. Two years since my mom died, and I thought I was dealing well with it. The 14th was the actual day, and it went fine as death anniversaries go. The 13th on the other hand, and I wrote about it yesterday, was just anxious to no end, as I was dreading the 14th. Today has just been anger. Not that I’m lashing out at anyone, but I have been arguing with a troll online about Trump. It’s not making me feel better.

    Just angry at the world and I don’t have my mom to talk to about it. I feel like I need to be keeping it all together because the world is falling apart. But I feel like I’m failing at that job.

    I am very fortunate to have a great wife that I can talk to about all of this, and I do talk to her. But the anger still happens.

    What I am wanting is to channel these emotions into something productive. That seems like the healthy thing to do, but right now I don’t feel like I have the energy to even start that.

    It is a process and I know that I am still grieving. I have to forgive my anger and accept that I have these emotions, and all of that is normal and healthy.

    But at the end of the day, I still want to give her a call.

  • Two Years From My Mother’s Passing

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    Two years ago, today, my mother passed away. It happened too fast. In June
    she had a funny feeling in her throat when she swallowed. In August, she was diagnosed
    with a tumor in esophagus and lung. In late September she when in fir a surgery
    to remove the mass from her lung. Her three day stay in the hospital turned
    into a week. The next week her lungs started to fail. Then she was moved to
    hospice, and died on a Sunday morning.

    In five months, everything changed. It was awful, and hard, and none of us
    in the family have yet found solid ground under our feet. But we were reminded
    how strong our family bond is. We were all there for our Dad, and for each
    other.

    Last year at this time, I was a sad angry wreck. I have a great wife that
    gave me space, and time, and allowed me to grieve the way I discovered that I
    needed.

    This year, I felt I was handling it well. It wasn’t a matter of seeing the
    date coming up on the calendar, but more like I could feel the date coming in
    me. And yesterday, it was an anxious feeling, not knowing how I would feel or
    react to this day. I think I am dealing with it better than I thought.

    Today is a sad day; melancholy and sluggish. I did speak to my father; which
    I am sure my brothers did the same thing. I wouldn’t say that we are getting
    better, or that it hurts less. It’s a part of me. It is a part now that reminds
    me to love those in my life, and to let them know.

  • Playing with Dolls

    So, we are doing the remote school thing for my daughter. It is not idea in anyway, but we are making the best out of it, and we do have a really good teacher we all like.

    Today, we ended up have a long break between video classes, and the kid wanted us to play something together. Let’s play with my Barbies, was what my daughter suggested, and ever since she turned five, this has been a common request. I am happy to oblige in the make believe. I mean, I’ve played spaceship, pirates, and she has endulged me with making a few puppet shows. All of this to me falls under the respobilities of being a father.

    As we were playing with my daughter’s dolls, a memory shot back into my mind that I had completely forgotten about. I remembered being about eight years old, riding my bike through the neighborhood with some other friends on a random day after school, and my friend Kevin told me that this one kid who lives up the street, this kid plays with Barbies. I remembered the shock and feeling embarrassed for this boy. That this boy had crossed some social line, and it must be a huge secret this boy was trying to hide. That this kid had some huge burden on him. But I don’t remember anyone ever bring it up to this kid. It was just a known secret.

    I don’t remember when boys playing with dolls stopped being a big deal. I know in high school it wasn’t an issue anymore, as the group I hung with were all outcasts, artists, and theatre people, and being different was celebrated, and valued. I think nowadays, people would be shocked if a parent took dolls away from their son who wanted to play with them.

    Maybe, there has been some progress against toxic masculinity.

  • Dance of the Parked Cars

    We have a car in the City. It is something that I thought we would never really do, but here we are. To be honest, it’s been great having the car. It has been our release valve with the pandemic, just allowing us to get out of the City, regardless if we actually get out of the car, and just drive around. It has helped in running errands, and we have even helped friends out when they needed a quick ride.

    But as with all good things, the is always a downside.

    And that would be parking on the street.

    I just dread having to park the car. Not only am I a horrible parallel parker, but it is a level of Lord of the Flies out there for a spot.

    But the bane, demon curse of my life is Alternative Side Parking! Here are the current NYC Rules, and I fear when things go back to normal. Currently, I have to go out once a week and move the car, and the dilemma I am in is whether to sit in the car, and wait for the street sweeper to come, move the car out of the way, and then back into my spot. That sounds simple, but it could mean that I have to sit in our car for an hour and a half. Or, I can leave my spot and see if I can find one where the sweeper has already gone through, which is a risk, as that could take five minutes, or one time took me an hour and a half to find a spot.  

    What is really interesting, and I should take a pic of it, are the people who line up their cars on the opposite side of the street, waiting for the sweeper to go by. There are guys smoking in their cars, or reading the paper, neighbors talking to each other, sharing coffee. It appears to be such a feeling of community and neighborliness fraternity on those blocks, that it does make me envious for their parking reality.