Too Long

I have been away far too long from this. The new job happened, and then we all got into the swing of things when it comes to living in California. It has been a learning curve.

The worst part is that I have completely let myself fall into old and bad habits. There is no working out, and I have noticed that, though NYC was a grind, car culture has made me lazy. I drive everywhere, and I don’t move. At least NYC meant that I had to walk everywhere, and that meant on most days I got my 10,000 steps in.

It’s as if two different and competing ideas are in my head right now.

First, there is the part of me that feels like with all these changes, I have lost my stability, and everything feels like it’s on the edge of spinning out of control. (This is not actually true, but it is the feeling that I have, since my life of the past 12 years has changed. And as I co-worker said to me, people don’t deal with change well at all.) I don’t know what my new stability is, or how to create it, so in the end, it feels like nothing is really getting accomplished.

The other side is that I keep trying to force my new CA life to behave like my NYC life. The best example I can give is that in NYC, once I got home, I never went back out. Such as, I tried to schedule my life around the idea of being out (Leave for work, then rehearsal, then drinks with friends, then dinner, then home and done,) for as long as possible, and when I got home at the end of the day, my day was over. Here, not unlike when I was in TX, I can come and go from event to home, to event to home, but in my head, it’s like once I get home, I can’t leave again… Which is silly, but that was the way I lived for 12 years.

Anyway, the point here is that I have trying to get out of old habits, make new and healthier ones, and find a way to live a new way, with new possibilities. It’s not as easy as I thought it would be.