Month: July 2018

I have never really fit into a traditional role. I have viewed marriage as a partnership, as well as child rearing. I have no issue with my wife earning more money than me. I do not feel bound by any convention of what I should be, and I love that my wife is ambitious and successful.

And we have been thinking of ways to get the family budget down, and what would be best for the kid. And we have been kicking around the idea that I could be a stay at home dad until the kid gets to school age. It is an idea that I welcome.

I have no illusion that this would be a great commitment, and not easy in any way. It will be work. There will be little free time, and I will continue to have to find the time to follow my creative projects.

What I would gain out of it is getting to have that time with the kid. I already have the melancholy/bittersweet sinking feeling in my stomach watching her get bigger and form her own personality. I feel it all going by so quickly, and I really don’t want to miss any of it. But… but… I know that this is a losing battle. She will grow up, and I have to learn to step aside.

Waiting… I do a lot of it, and I also hate it. Just waiting to hear back from people, or jobs, or things, or decisions… Don’t like it. I would prefer to do something, and inherently, that is when I make mistakes. I should have learned this lesson, but I haven’t.

And that will lead me to the mistakes I just keep repeating.

Why does it always rain on me?

I remember when I used to buy CD’s to listen to one song. I was that guy. Today, I have decided to listen to some albums that I only listen to one song off of… And the only album I can remember doing that to was The Man Who by Travis.

I can’t shake this slight head ache behind my left eye. It might be caused by the gin I drank last night.

I think that I might want to try again at something new.

Most of my sentences in this thing start with “I,” and I don’t know if that is good or bad; just an observation.

This weekend, I started really missing walking around a bookstore. That was one of the first things I did when I got my driver’s license, was take a trip over to Taylor books in Lincoln Square, and spend a few hours looking and reading.

I had spouted something crazy, or maybe it was amazing… I don’t know… but it is a new theory.

There are very few people left in America who remember when America wasn’t a superpower. When we were just one of many powerful nations, but not the dominate economy or military. That would be the World War II generation, and they are passing away quickly, and so is the last living memory that America. I think this explains why we are in the crisis we are in.

We are the decedents of the people that built America into a superpower, and being that we have no idea of what the pre-superpower world is like, we have become greedy and selfish, just like spoiled children do.

The Post World War II ethic was to create organizations and treaties that would stop another devastating war from happening again. And to a certain degree, it has worked. For 73 years that has not been a major full-scale war between industrialized nations. There hasn’t been a war that killed 70 million people, or 3% of the population of the planet. The tradeoff has been, what? America hasn’t made enough money? We haven’t won enough wars? We have to listen to other countries because we believe in diplomacy?

I think a lot of the anger that has come up in the last 20 years has to do with the generational shift from WWII people to Baby Boomers, and now to Gen X to Millennials.

There is something to this thought. It should be explored.

I have the hardest time committing to working out. I got two good days in this week, but for the past two days, I just cannot get myself motivated. I’m trying to work with myself, but I don’t seem to be a willing partner.

I have a very limited window, which is the first hour of my day. After that hour, I have too many things to do; getting the kid up, making breakfast, and getting myself to work. Also, being that I pick the kid up from school, that pretty much kills the ability to work out after work. Very narrow window.

I have lots of reasons to get in shape, but there is the part of me that really just hates working out. There is no work out high or runner’s high, and when I see people get really psyched about what a great work out they had, it makes me a little uneasy. It’s like people wanting to talk to me about Jesus. I’m glad you’re happy about it, but I just don’t care.

Yup, I am the kid that won’t eat their vegetables.

I also have this thought that if I really knuckle down, and start working out, that I’ll become some gym rat, and work exercise in every conversation, and will just get filled up with glam muscles, and say “Gains” at the end of sentences.

I had no hot water this morning in my apartment when I woke up. In fact, the hot water when out the night before, and I went to bed hoping that it would be back in the morning. Yes, it was a form of magical thinking; believing that the super would magically fix something the moment it broke.

After I work up and checked that the water would not get hot, I made the difficult choice that I would take a cold shower. I had the thought that as it was Summer, and rather warm in the apartment even with the window a/c running, that this cold show might feel refreshing.

Not even close.

What it did was make me appreciate living in the modern world.

It was cold and painful, and did get my day started off on the wrong foot.

Watching the morning news didn’t make me feel any better…

And this is when I had to ask myself, is happiness a choice?

What makes a day good or bad is only perception? Is that right? If I stay comfortable and unchallenged is that a good day? The uncomfortable act of moving beyond what is known and understood, does that make a day bad?