When I was a kid, I went through this period, I was around the age of 8 or 9, when everything thing gave me anxiety, and I worried about everything in the world going wrong. It was like a smothering blanket would kill any positive thought I could have. It made me feel that I was going to die at any moment, and I would miss out on all the things life would have to offer. It could get so bad at school, that I would break down in tears, and be unable to go to class, or move. It was also difficult to see my friends look at me when these moments arrived, and they couldn’t fathom how to help me feel better. It was one of the first truly self-conscious moments in my life, when I knew I was different from everyone else, and it wasn’t a good different.
My depression was my own, and it was serious, but I am thankful that I was never put on medication. My parents sent me to therapy, and I learned tools to cope, but I have never gotten over it, I am still always dealing with it.
I know what can trigger it, which is when my life begins to enter a transition phase, but not always. If I am prepared for it, looking forward to it, then I can handle it. If the change is thrust upon me, that it starts badly.
The first therapist I went to, his advice has served me to best. He told me that when the fear and anxiety start to build up in me, I should draw or write the worst possible outcome that could happen to me. Then read it back, and write what the second worse outcome. And just keep writing al the outcomes, and see, when I’m done writing, if they were as scary as I thought.
The expression of emotions, the examining of how we think, and what might happen, is what creating art is about. Maybe I would have gone into the arts no matter what, but anxiety and therapy gave me to tools to create.
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